Sacrifice...

[Listening to: She Must and Shall Go Free - Derek Webb - The House Show (3:16)]

Tuesday I was with a national friend. He is an amazing man. He started his own business, led almost all his employees to the family. Now he has a piece of the body meeting each week in his house. He does incredible things.

They just finished Acts and John. Now he wants to lead them towards the OT. I have been pondering on his words since he mentioned them. I asked what books. He mentioned two different ones based on their call to sacrifice. He said that no believers here are willing to sacrifice anything. They are all taught that joining the family is about blessings you receive.

This land is desperate. I wonder if we (Westerners) did that blessing thing to them. I don't remember many sermons on sacrifice. I didn't preach any either, I don't think, it is a good way to not get invited back. All of our favorite books in the Bible and at the bookstore deal with all the great things we get by believing. Not many tell us that God might decide to kill off our family (Job). We aren't often told we might get so frustrated with how different God is than what we expect him to be we might kill ourselves (Judas). We aren't told that we have a good chance of being hated by everyone and eventually killed (most of the disciples). We aren't told God might ask us to kill our son, only to change his mind at the last minute (Abraham). We aren't told that we may get run out of our own home and have to live in the desert for a while (Moses). We aren't told that it may mean we have to wander in the wilderness our whole lives (Israelites).

Instead we read that we will have peace in all things. We read that our inheritance will be multiplied. We focus on jewels in crowns and blessings from above. Now I am not making the claim that there aren't wonderful blessings for us in the kingdom. My claim is that they don't look the way we expect them to. My claim is that it seems clear in the Bible that believers get more sacrifice than blessing. In the annals of our tradition it seems that a mark of faithfulness was persecution. Many of the great bearers of truth sacrificed their life, their family's lives, their freedom, their respect, their power, their authority, their wealth, etc. for the kingdom.

My friend is upset because no one here sacrifices anything to be called a child of God. It hurt me to think of how much more they sacrifice here than I ever sacrifice...here or at home.

After all of that, is it bad to say I got a new refrigerator this week? I was pretty excited about it. It has a freezer. I can actually fit Cokes and leftovers in it!

Missing the Point...

Today is the day to worship the saint Gabriel. I know this because there is a church built for Gabriel on the way to a restaurant I have become quite a regular at. Typically there are not many people at late at night (Note that late is not too long after dark.). On this night the street was packed. There was lots of traffic and numerous people just standing beside and in the roadway.


I asked the man in front of me on the taxi what was happening. He affirmed my guess. This place is so deceived. I believe fully that we can follow the same Master and do it in different ways. The problem is that the people here have completely abandoned the pursuit of following the Master. Instead they follow good deeds and saints and luck that can bless their lives. Their pursuit of religion is all about the benefits for self.


According to the book, Notes from the Hyena's Belly the orthodox here have, "263 saints' days, 52 Sundays, 9 other Christian holidays, 13 abdar days [They worship the traditional sacred tree of the family.], 36 Wukabi days [They worship spirits.], and 12 days to worship ancestor's spirits." On these days they are supposed to worship all day and do no work. Do the math! It comes up to about 368 days. Now they do use a different calendar here, but there are still 365 days in the year.


They spend all of their time earning the respect and "grace" of their God.




On another front. I hooked up with some old friends from last summer. I got to visit their university today and watch one of the guys play football (soccer). I was amazed; most of them were terrible. I guess I had some pretty high expectations. Perhaps if ever become able to make it up my 5 flights of stairs without sounding like I ran a marathon, I might try to play some ball. At the current rate, I will guess the possibility will never become reality…these stairs are gonna be the death of me.

Where to begin...

[Listening to: Jesus To These - Ryan Richardson - Delve]

Lord I want to be…
To be your hands and your feet.
To walk where you walk,
See what you see.
To feed a hungry soul,
To love a world so poor.
I want to be Jesus to these.
- Ryan Richardson - Jesus to These on Delve


I have never felt quite the way I do here. The pages of the gospel seem to come to life. I have greater mental images of what it looked like to walk out of the temple and be surrounded by beggars. I see them everyday…everywhere…but especially just outside the churches and mosques. Those who worship there move closer to God by giving to the poor.


I hurt for them (the poor and the deceived worshipers), but I also struggle with becoming cold. Poverty is so rampant; it is hard to know who is poor and who has found a good gig to cover for the lack of work in the city. Even the nationals distinguish between three kinds of beggars. Some are truly homeless and have no option, some are using it as a scheme, and some are merely troublemakers. This last group is looking for a quick way to get money. They aren't opposed to lying to you and/or stealing it from you.


Yesterday Daniel walked up to me on the road. He began to walk and talk English with me. (A travel guide about this country tells of the newest scam. Young people, apparently students, invite you to a "cultural event" that is only there on that day. Once they convince you to go with them, they take you somewhere to run up a very large bill and have you pay for it. It is no joke…happened to me last summer…before I read the book.) Daniel tried to pull the scam. I didn't bite. He then began to tell me numerous stories about not being able to work and having to pay for school and his family living in the country. All of his stories may have been true; I have no idea. I chose not to give him money or buy him lunch which he asked for several times.


I'm not sure how to deal with the poor. We are told to care for them; we are told they will always be with us. For that matter I don't know how to be Jesus to anyone. This week I have had a long talk with a national friend. There is a mistranslation in their Bible. It defines secular music (listening to, singing, creating) as removing one from God. It is in the same list with jealousy, envy, orgies, impurity.


I have my own thoughts on music, that isn't the important thing. What matters is how I be Jesus to him and how I encourage him to do the same with others here. Are his beliefs on music important? Do I just leave them be and worry about other things. Or is this a slippery slope down a dangerous hill. My fear is legalism. My desire is love and grace. I desire it for him; I desire it for me; I desire it for the church.


Ryan's song is my desire. Where do I even begin?

Life Together...and the time that follows...

Last semester at school I had the chance to read Dietrich Bonhoeffer's Life Together. It was pretty good. Today as I was walking home a piece of it came to mind.


My struggle the last several days has been loneliness. Honestly this isn't something I expected to deal with. I know many of the Americans here. I even spend quite a bit of time with them. I also have several national friends.


Bonhoeffer's book talked about community. Today I wanted to read part two of the book (I don't know of one.) In LIfe Together he encourages the reader to embrace community. He makes the claim that it will be short lived because our call is to go out alone into a world where believers are not. At that point we lose the community we have had the chance to live in the midst of.


Last Saturday I wanted so badly to call up the old gang for a game of football at Cameron Park. When I wanted to call they were probably all in bed, not to mention the fact I don't live in Waco anymore and neither do some of them. I had amazing community there. I miss the gang.


I want to read what Bonhoeffer claims is to follow the time with community. My guess is it is written about throughout the book The Cost of Discipleship. One day I will get to "reading" that one. (In school I skimmed it…twice.)


My greatest hope today is one I have mentioned before. I desire true community. I desire to find national "persons of peace" to walk the journey with. I hope relationships with the other Americans here increase so that we may be community.

Rainy Days and Mondays...

It is a rainy day in Africa. It is still hard to believe I am here. I have been here a week now. Almost daily I have to remind myself I am here to stay. The rains are supposed to be over soon. A lady on the plane told me it might be another couple weeks. Several days have been bright and sunny but today it pours. I am glad I haven't had to be out as much today.


I have had a great opportunity to meet coworkers here. Today I am going to lunch with a lady and her son. It should be fun we are going to a place I haven't been before. My apartment is much bigger than I expected. It's nice.


In the next few days I will dive into language study full time. I watched a DVD about it last night and it predicted that in order for me to reach a conversational level it will take 1½ years studying about 30 hours a week. That sounds crazy. How in the world will I ever find that much time?


I'm not sleeping well. Not sure why yet. Still getting adjusted. Plus the bed is a bit uncomfortable and squeaks a lot!


I'm glad to be here!

Servant Leadership...

We did something interesting to day. Two associate vice presidents of the company I am working with did the presentation. It was long and boring and repetitive but concluded with something pretty interesting.


They shared the story of John 13, which is definitely a favorite of mine. Jesus was with the disciples in the upper room. And when they had finished eating he got down on his hands and knees and washed the feet of his followers.


Jesus was an incredible leader. Sometimes those under him desired to lead Jesus in new directions but Christ stayed faithful to the course. I heard a cool quote on the West Wing once. What do you call a leader that no one follows? A man taking a walk. Jesus was a leader. I want to lead like Jesus.


I want to be willing to serve those I am working with and under and over. God is powerful enough that he has called me to serve even, "…the least of these…"


We have seen foot washings before. But these two associate vice presidents. Sat us down in chairs by twos. They took our names our soon to be homes, and a prayer request. They prayed over us and instead of washing out feet, they brushed our shoes.


They pulled out a shoe brush for each of us and cleaned our shoes. Then they allowed us to take the brush as a symbol of their commitment to continue to be our servants and prayer advocates as we go out.


Thought it was neat and I would share.

Africa...

Excitement to get overseas changes almost daily. Many days I am scared to death. I can't believe I have let myself get into this. "This ain't a two month trip overseas!" I tell myself. I am anxious about being so far away from family and friends and all that I know and love.


I got to visit with Mark this past weekend. It was great. His life is right on track with all of his hopes and dreams and I love it. I just want to be here to watch it happen. I shared something with Mark that I had once shared with my mom and am even coming to greater understanding of now.


All the people that work with our group overseas refer to one another as family. They are all uncles and aunts. They begin to treasure the value of community and recognize the need and desire for it in all people's lives.


This realization has helped me clarify my relationships with people in Waco. They were and always will be my family. We laughed together, played together, cried together (sometimes me more than others), prayed together, shared holidays and special events. We traveled together and worked together. We grew closer to Christ together. My relationships with my family in Waco taught me more about what it means to be a child of God. The girls and my boys (who I miss dearly) have changed my life. They have challenged me to be a better follower of Christ and a better family member to my biological family.


However, on days like today I am ready to go. I got to meet a lady from the country I am heading to today. It was exciting. We talked about the city and the people and the food. It left me encouraged and inspired to get there and get to work.


My prayer is that God will grant me community overseas. It may be with nationals or Americans like me. I only hope that I can be blessed by them the same way I have been in the states.


This sounds rather selfish as I read the prayer, but I hope to be the same thing to others. A girl shared something the other day that challenged me. She said, "I'm not going overseas to 'save' anyone. I am going in obedience to God because he wants to work in my life. My belief is that people will see Jesus as I continue to be transformed." What words of wisdom…she's pretty hot too!

Update...

For those of you interested I have received word that Patrick has returned home!

Patrick...

I was in Georgetown towards the end of my summer. I had gone to visit Falmouth, where I was once and youth pastor, and some college friends at Georgetown. I was sitting in the Lock and Key - this neat new coffee shop with free wireless internet. I called home to see how the family was doing.


I found out Patrick had had a car accident. It was pretty bad and they didn't know if he was going to survive. I didn't know Patrick real well. I remembered him from around church. I had played high school soccer with his older brother Cory. I knew his mom and dad fairly well. Rocky and Terri were divorced…had been for as long as I can remember.


I returned home several days after the wreck had happened and mom and I had planned to go to Nashville to do a few things. We decided to go by Vandy to visit Patrick's family. He was still barely holding on. It was Thursday.


Wednesday the doctors had told his parents to get their family there he was going to make it through the afternoon. He did. We saw them on Thursday. We still couldn't see Patrick…he was in a drug induced coma and was barely getting by. I remember Rocky telling me, "In the morning we just pray for a good morning. At night we only hope for a good night. We look for good news moment by moment that is all we can hope for right now."


I remember giving Terri a hug. We had worked together on some youth events when I was the interim at Lone Oak. I shook Rocky's hand. For some reason I remember his bracelet…that kind they sell on TV that are supposed to help your circulation. Cory gave me a hug. I didn't know Cory real well, but as I went to shake his had he hugged me.


A couple weeks later I preached at church Cory was there. He came and thanked me for visiting. We talked and I found out Patrick was improving daily.


They have moved him to Lexington. He is up and getting around on a walker. His memory is still bad. They didn't think this kid was going to live!


I talked to my mom the other night and she had received word (actually dad had) from Rocky. He wanted me to know something. Patrick was being told what all was happening and needed to happen. He asked his dad to write it down and read it to him again later because he wouldn't be able to remember it. Rocky said he would.


Patrick asked him to give it to the male nurse that was taking care of him, and he would read it to him also. According to Rocky these were Patrick's words. "Give it to ____ (I forgot the nurses name.) he is a good guy. He will read it to me later too. He is a good guy; he reminds me a lot of Chad at church."


There is no reason why anyone would remind him of me. I barely knew the kid. I have tried to remember what I knew him from and all I can think of is he must have been at a D'Now or at children's camp with me. For some reason this 19 year old kid who I have not seen or talked to in years remembers me and remembers me as something good.


Wow! What are we to do with that? I didn't and don't know how to respond. I am humbled. I am shocked. I am scared that the remembrances of many might not be so positive. I am frightened to realize that even when I didn't know Patrick was watching he saw me.


Now I prepare to go to Africa. I will be watched. Others will know I am a follower of Jesus and what will my life speak.


Pray for Patrick. Pray he continues to improve. Pray for me. Pray that I leave others remembering Christ even when I don't know I am leaving them with anything.

Life Goes On...

I'm not sure I am the best at feeling blessed in bad situations. I am not one of those trying to always smile so that I can make the world think things are great when they suck. Rather I desire to see how I am blessed when things are tough.


My parents are at the hospital today. A lady that has worked for them for nearly 20 years found out in the last couple weeks she has colon cancer. Today Shirley is having surgery done. She is terrified and a bit hardheaded. She considered just not having the surgery. Not long ago she got mad at two of her friends because they took off work to go to the doctor with her. A couple years ago Shirley's husband died. I can't imagine finding strength in her situation.


Saturday my mom gave me a newspaper clipping. I went to high school with a girl named Shanna. Not long ago I was home and ran into her parents with her two oldest boys. She was at home with her little girl and was due to have the fourth soon. Saturday I found out the fourth, and infant, died. I imagine I would be devastated. I considered visiting her and her parents. I couldn't. What in the world would I tell them? How could I show them how much I hurt for them?


Monday morning my dad went to the dump to unload a trailer of trash. He fell, landed on the rail of the trailer, and was in such pain he just laid there for several minutes. After spending the afternoon at the doctor we found out he broke a rib. He is in quite a bit of pain and I hate seeing my dad this way.


Tuesday Ryan went to the doctor. Last fall he dropped a 1,000-pound sound cabinet on his foot at work. It crushed it. He has had numerous surgeries, metal plates, pins, and more put in there. At the doctor he found out he will need surgery again. The doctor wants to grind down part of the bone in his third toe. It will leave it immovable. In order to fix this problem, they want to attach it to the second toe. He is pretty disappointed. It will put him out of work for at least a month…again.


In three weeks I begin orientation to go overseas. I am so excited and yet worried. I will spend years away from the friends I have made in the last four years. After graduating we have all moved away from one another. It is hard to handle. I miss my friends. I love my parents; I have had great time with them. But I miss those who have become my other family. My family in Waco only has a few pieces in Waco. We have the ability to simply sit and talk for hours about nothing. We play together, and talk together. We laugh together, and pray together. Now we are all separated. I miss them. I'll miss them and my actual family when I am gone. I'm a bit nervous about the whole ordeal.


Just wanted to share life with those of you who swing by to read. By the way I have sent out an email to numerous people to join a prayer team as I head overseas. I am fully aware that I will need a blanket of prayer over me as I go and do ministry. If you have not heard from me I do not have an email to reach you. Let me know if you are interested in participating: send me an email.


One of the hardest things about leaving is that life still goes on for the rest of the world. My family will still get sick and hurt. Those I love may pass away. Others will get older or married or have kids. I will miss these milestones and I hate that. The last several weeks have been about saying goodbyes. They have been about seeing people I know and/or knew and sharing with them some time and a hug. I have a couple weeks left to do this. It's tough.

Appropriate Worship...

[Listening to: Fall On Me - Student Life Praise & Worship - I Will Exalt]

Last week I went to Houston for a few days. I met with a couple of the pastors our overseas work is partnered with. Both of the churches I visited are house church models. They have the majority of their focus on the small group events and life together that happens in houses of members and everyday life activities.


One of the churches has a weekly celebration service. They are moving locations in about a month. A new Christian in the church is opening a coffee shop. The shop is closed on Sundays and the church is going to move their celebration from Saturday night to Sunday and meet in the coffee shop.


The majority of their church members are pretty new Christians. They love that; in fact that is their target. The pastor did mention that they deal with one struggle that they are more concerned about with the new location.


I have been thinking through the idea since he mentioned it. their concern is how they will keep celebration (worship) from becoming so relaxed that it is irreverent. Of course I understand the question; I have heard it a million times. In another time and place I would have asked the question.


Today I struggle deciding what would be too irreverent. Long ago I began to get frustrated with rules about hats, and appropriate Sunday dress, and drinks/food in sanctuaries. If the worship of Christ is going on around people is it even possible for others not to catch the spirit. I'm still trying to figure out where I stand with this.


I imagine the day when many have come to Christ and several house churches come together for a celebration service. I imagine that all will be poor, many will smell bad, and most will have been wearing the same clothes they have had on for a week. Some will be there with their goat. Some will be talking with others, some will be doing nothing more than trying to be in the midst of something new and growing. This is what Africa looks like. Is worship supposed to look different that life does? I'm not sure about it.

[Listening to: Where The Angels Sleep - Bebo Norman - Ten Thousand Days]

#4...

[Listening to: Only Wanna Be With You - Hootie & The Blowfish - The Best Of Hootie & The Blowfish (1993 Thru 2003)]

He wore brown denim pants and an ugly dress shirt with big paisleys on it. He had a pair of brown nubuc Eastland's on. I remember the shoes well. Not because they were the cool dress shoes to have when I was a freshmen (although they were), but because we were in the gym playing volleyball.


For some reason I can't recall, finals for the fall were happening in January. With high enough grades and attendance some students didn't have to take finals. Several of us were in that group. Instead we would spend the day in the gym playing cards, talking, playing volleyball, playing basketball, etc.


We were in the bleachers on the left side of the stage. Volleyball games were going on right in front of us. We decided to play and he borrowed Jason's tennis shoes. It was a cold Friday afternoon.


That is my last memory of Shane.


Monday morning it snowed. I woke up early and remember that it is even brighter outside before the sun comes when there is snow on the ground. I walked from my bedroom down the hardwood floor through the kitchen and into the den. I sat down in Dad's recliner and turned on NBC. I watched for the local weather report. I "knew" we weren't going to school. (In Paducah they cancel school if the chances of snow are great.) I was right. School was canceled. I quickly returned to bed.


Several hours later my mom came in and woke me up. "What are you doing, school is canceled," I commented. Once I could force my eyes open (the glaring sun off the snow made my room brighter than normal) I looked up at my mom. Something was wrong; I could see it on her face.


"What happened?"


"Jon's mom just called. Shane Pearson died last night."


"What happened? Why Shane?"


Shane called his girlfriend Tonya before leaving work. He told her he would call her when he got home. He never called. He never made it home. They searched for him throughout the night and finally found him. Shane had been shot and bled to death in a snow covered front yard.


A few days later they found the shooters. According to their story they stopped Shane on the highway as he was headed home. Knowing Shane he would have helped anyone. He likely stopped thinking they needed help. Instead, having been encouraged by a movie the three young men had decided to drive around town and see how many people they could shoot before getting caught. Shane was number two.


They drove him around in his own car. After a few hours they let him out of the car and he began to walk toward a light in the distance. They called him back. He turned to look at them and they shot, again, and again, and again.


Shane and I weren't close friends. We were teammates. I respected Shane. He was number four. For the rest of our careers we retired that number. I never desire to wear number 4. That's Shane's number. He was the lone upperclassman who was good to us little guys. I remember that every year Shane was the only one who showed up to the first practice in shape. He would run laps around us at the track. He punted a ball once and completely unintentionally nailed Nick in the face. You could tell he felt terrible. Nick was pissed. The rest of us laughed.


Shane loved people. I remember talking with the Hudson twins after he died. None of us knew if Shane was a Christian. Back then I was a leader in my church and my FCA. People knew I was a Christian, but probably thought of me more as a goody, goody. I didn't go out, didn't hang out with friends. I went to church and hung out with my family.


Yet I had spent everyday with Shane for several months a year. I was supposed to be a Christian and everyone knew it. Why did I have no idea if Shane knew Christ? Why had I never shared it? Sure I mean some step-by-step plan or tract. But more importantly why had I never shared it with my life? Whether or not Shane knew Christ, I could take no credit for fulfilling what I was called to do.


This reality has bothered me all of my life. Most of my life I have probably cause more people to run from Christ than follow him. I have grown fascinated recently with the way the secular world describes and illustrates Christians. As a kid I always claimed they just didn't know what they were talking about. Now that I am older and willing to look more critically at my self and my faith, I realize they should be able to describe my faith as well as I can. They should see it. Daily, these peers, strangers, and friends should be watching Christ live life in front of them. Sure this time his name is Chad and he has a lot more flaws.


Soon I will leave the states to live Christ before others. I wonder if it will be easier on the other side of the world. I wonder if I will ever figure out how to do it in a way that result in the words all Christians long to hear - "Well done my good and faithful servant."

[Listening to: Away From The Sun - 3 Doors Down - Away From The Sun]

Silly Me...

One thing I am well known for in my family is losing stuff (or just breaking it) out of the back end of the truck. I was catering a dinner with my dad when I was young. There was a four-foot food warmer in the back of my truck. It was some type of chicken, wrapped in bacon, in some kind of sauce. I was about half a block from the restaurant on the way to the event. I turned a corner and the entire warmer flipped over. The food was all over the warmer and the truck. It was a mess.


A couple years later, I went to pick up a new gas grill for my parents. No problem, right? Wrong! I put the grill in the truck, up against the cab, and strapped it in. As soon as I got on the interstate, I heard a crash.


I had put the grill in with the lid opening toward the back. The hinges of the grill were broken off and the lid went flying down the interstate. For several years my parents used the broken grill. For me it was a constant reminder of stupid mistakes.


Tuesday my mom and I went to Lowe's to pick up some barstools. I knew they weren't going to go in the truck quite like I wish they could. I strapped them into the bed all standing up in their boxes. We got on the highway and they all blew over. No problem, we stopped and rearranged. Two were lying down and two were standing up. Again they blew over. Again we stopped to rearrange. We laid all four down. One was stacked on top of the other three. It was strapped in every way possible.


We were driving down the highway again and suddenly a loud thump. A strap had broken. The top barstool was flying through the air and then somersaulting down the highway. Luckily it didn't hit anyone, but we knew the stool was shattered. We stopped and put it back in the truck. After we got home we found the only problem was a nick on one leg. We colored it in with a marker and you can't even tell now.


I'm reading What's So Amazing About Grace right now. And it is pretty good. It's challenging me regarding both granting forgiveness and asking for it. I thought about the book after the stool incident.


I don't like to apologize. I'm not sure why. I don't know if it is because I am afraid I won't be forgiven. I don't know if it is because I don't forgive others well so I don't believe anyone else could forgive me either. I don't know if I am afraid that apologizing admits failure. I don't like failure much. I don't like failure at all.


For the last few months I have been spending time thinking about the ideas of grace. I am amazed by the story of the prodigal. How could the father be so forgiving? How could he be so filled with compassion for his young son that he is willing to break all "rules" for the sake of love? How do I become a person that loves that way? How do I become a person willing to offer grace? How do I live in the grace that God has offered?


The young son wanted to work his way back into his father's world. The father would think nothing of it. He was a son, fully; no matter what he had done to disturb that. That is love beyond explanation. I can't fathom it; He loves me that much.

Thanks Sarah...

I drove home from Waco today. I was so tired driving. Several times I almost stopped to take a nap. One thing that kept me awake through some of it was thinking over things.


At one point I began to think about friends. I thought about old friends and new friends. I thought about graduations - high school, college, seminary. How were they different? How were they the same?


While doing this I realized I could be overseas and miss my ten year high school reunion (We are all getting old, you know?). Even if I am there it might be soon after returning, so I get to be the jobless guy trying to make a connection. I partnered this thinking with high school graduation and remembered one event that was both very painful and very redefining.


We were sitting on the hard wooden gym floor at Lone Oak High School (no snickers!). We were in alphabetical order practicing for senior night. (Senior night is something other than graduation but it is when they present a lot of awards and tell where people got scholarships, etc.) A row or two behind me was Sarah - she was in the W's.


Sarah and I and a couple others started talking about what we were going to do when we grew up. I mentioned that I was planning to go into ministry. After saying this I remember Sarah's words clearly. "I could never go to your church Chad." "Why is that?" "Because you would know how I was when I was a kid and I would feel guilty."


Sarah's intentions were probably not the same as the effect of those words. I recognized at that point and continually over the next year that I had an issue with being judgmental. I had never even realized that it was a reality.


I haven't reached where I should be yet but Sarah helped me realize that if I was ever going to be an effective minister than I would have to be a person that didn't make others feel guilty for the realities of who they are.


There was nothing wrong with Sarah. She was a teenager. Most of us (I was sort of a geek so maybe not me) did the same things. We hung out with our friends, we made silly mistakes we might regret in the future, we lived life and had fun doing it.


I am still guilty of being judgmental. I think poorly of people just by the company they keep or the places they go. I am the Pharisees with the woman caught in adultery. I am just as guilty as they are but I spend all of my time pointing out others rather than cleaning up my act. In fact I work hard to hide my blemishes so that others might not notice.


I am not sure I could ever be Sarah's pastor, because I know how I was when I was a kid, and I know how I am now, and I would feel guilty every time I saw her face.


I hope to see these words from Bonhoeffer next to the front door of my church one day:

"You are a sinner, a great, desperate sinner; now come, as the sinner that you are, to God who loves you. He wants you as you are; He does not want anything from you, a sacrifice, a work; He wants you alone."

The Tire Man...

I met a man today. I had to go and get new tires put on my car. I ended up at this little shack out in the middle of what seemed like nowhere. While Zack put the tires on my car I sat in side their air-conditioned office they sent me towards.


Inside was a very large old man in overalls. He was missing some teeth and liked to use cuss words in his sentences. He never told me his name but he shared with me his life. He is 60, retired, and the father of three. He has loved two women in his life. The first he got pregnant when they were "dumb teenagers." Sharon was 15 and 3 months when Shelly Ann was born. They went their separate ways and lost touch for a while. His daughter was in her 20's before he reconnected with her. It was real obvious this had been a regret of his. Not the daughter, he was very proud of her, but he was ashamed he was away so long. Sharon seems to have trouble with men, being she is on her sixth husband and has publicly voiced she would love to again be with my friend the tire man.


This kindof pisses my friend off because he loves his wife of 43 years very much. He and Ann have two children, Elizabeth Ann and a son in his forties whose name was never shared. At times I thought he was going to cry as he shared the joys of his life and the struggles of his life. I don't really know why he chose to share any of this with me. I know about his daughter getting beat up by her boyfriend and a father's revenge. I know that his wife and Shelly Ann's mom get along, and Shelly gets along with his wife Ann.


I know that this man enjoys telling the stories of his life. He doesn't care who he tells; he wants all to know he has loved and still loves. He wants the world to know that the women of his life - his daughters and their mothers - mean the world to him.


I wondered if it was gossip to listen to him talk about the others. I wondered if I was supposed to respond. I just listened and smiled and nodded and set "uh huh," and "I bet" a lot. I doubt I will ever see him again, but I wonder if I ministered to him in some way. I want to help shed the grace of Christ into the lives of others, I wonder if I was faithful today. I know that soon my friend will be with his wife camping in their RV and fishing, and while they sit on the boat I hope he will sit and reflect on the love of Christ and the blessings of family he has been afforded.


I don't know if he knows Christ. He mentioned that he usually leaves to camp on Thursday and returns home on Sunday, somedays he comes home early in the morning so that he can go to church. I don't have any idea if he loves Jesus, but I know that Jesus loves him and therefore I am called to love him too.


I love my new friend the tire man. I hope I was a blessing to him, because he sure was a blessing to me.

Friends...

I pulled it off once in college. My birthday came and went and the only people who knew were my family. Every year I do all that I can to not let anyone know that my birthday has come and gone. I try to hide it from everyone I know. I feel so selfish letting anybody know that I have a birthday. I don't like there to be events that are focused on me. I would much rather get together on behalf of others.


Last night my friends got together in my honor. It was tough. Christy continued to tell me that she wanted to throw me a goodbye party as I prepare to leave for Africa. I didn't want her to do it, until we were told at the hiring conference, "Let your friends have parties for you." I told Christy she could do it but I would prefer not help plan the thing. All I had to do was give her some names to add to the list she had made. Last night I got to see some of those show up.


An event like this doesn't say so much about those who couldn't make it, but it says some great things about those who do make it. As I was driving home I was thinking through the people who sacrificed to make it to this thing to say "goodbye" even though they aren't really saying goodbye yet. I was seeing faces and names of those who stopped by, those who brought cards, and those who were willing to pray for me publicly.


Several people came to mind, but one stuck out a bit. One friend who was there hasn't always been a friend. For some reason I still don't understand the two of us have never gotten along very well. We had some things happen as we got to know one another that kept us from connecting I guess. But the last year has been different. Over the last year we have gotten to know each other much better. And this individual means a lot to me. The person didn't have to come; they had no responsibility. They didn't have to make sure that they talked to me one on one, but they did. We have become friends and I am so thankful. We are very different people, but then again that is the case with me and a lot of my friends. I only regret that we waited so long to get to know one another.


Megan was there last night, her laugh is hilarious. As almost everyone had left, a few of us just sat in the living room and listened to her talk and tell jokes and especially laugh. Her laughter is contagious. I love it. She and I have only known each other for the last year, but I will miss her laugh. I told her last night that she is going to have to record it and send it to me. It will be a great heartwarmer on a lonely day.


I have yet to read through the cards I was given. Christy had them bring two types. One was for me to open last night. Christy made me open them in front of everyone. The other stack is not to be opened until I get to Africa. HOLY COW!! That is such a long time for me to hold on to a stack of cards. Sure, it will be a blessing to open them in Africa, but it will be hard to wait. Several included gift cards in their card last night. One of the many were Jason and Joslyn. It was great to have them there. They are engaged!! I couldn't believe people sacrificed what they did so that I might have gifts. The cards will be so valuable for me as I purchase supplies to carry over with me.


The most incredible thing that was done last night was the prayer. We all gathered in Dwight's living room as the group of people gathered around me, and prayed over me. What a blessing to hear friends that you love prayer to our heavenly father for wisdom, protection, guidance, courage, strength, transformation, and so many other prayers. It was powerful and very encouraging to receive their words. Over the next several months those prayers will help pull me through. Many of them signed up to commit to pray to me as I go. Many of those prayers will be my strength to continue to live among the people of Northeast Africa.


Thank you friends! I love you!


For my own sake I want a list of names (please forgive me if I forget you, this is completely from memory): Jason, Joslyn, Eric, Brian, Neil, Steven, Lisa, Julie, Jen, Myles, Ryan, Kristen, Pam, Cori, Anna, Liz, Claire, Kimberly, Murph, Lizzie, Megan, Coleman, Dana, Andrew, Potter, April, Bethany. I feel bad cause I know I have left people out, but I will add them as I remember (it's early dang it!).


And especially the gang (I didn't forget you guys): Mark, Jason, Christy, Dwight, Chris, Mikel. You guys mean more to me than I could ever put into words. I am fully aware that I would not be the person I am today not the person I hope to become if it were not for the inspiration that each of you have been in my life. I will miss you immensely!


Thank you friends! I love you!

Goodbyes...

This is a time of endings. This is a time of goodbyes. This year has been that way. Today has especially been that way.


This morning I woke up and watch the two hour series finale of Dawson's Creek. Yes, I know Dawson's Creek ended ages ago. But I didn't watch it ages ago. I only made fun of those who watched it back then. But this year I started watching the reruns on TBS and I sort of got hooked. Really after a while I just wanted to know how the show ended. So today I saw it. I cried.


I had lunch with the boys.


I got this phone call requesting I come to some banquet I had RSVP'ed not to go to. I heard several people speak about the end of the year. Dr. Eileen Hulme gave a report of what all had been done throughout the year. I began to tear up realizing my time at Baylor was nearly over. Sometimes I hate my job. I get so pissed at the way things are done sometimes. Often I love my job! I love that I get to work with incredible students. I love that "I knew them when..." Some of these men and women will eventually change the world and I will have the great privilege of knowing that in spite of all my deficiencies God ministered to them through me. I'm going to miss my students. I got some award which again made me want to cry. It again clarifies this is the end.


I had a dinner tonight with some of the people I started Truett with who are still here. There really aren't that many of us left. We talked about our time here and who we had lost track of and what our plans are. I am leaving. Going to Africa. Working with an organization many of them hate. But I am following God with both fear and excitement.

Sidenote - My friend Christy says that if there is anything in female fashion I don't like, it is probably in style. However I really like one style going on right now. I love the comeback of skirts. Granted they are often way to short and rather dangerous with a burst of wind, but when tasteful they are so stinkin' cute. I have two friends who pull it off very well. Watson and Hatfield are great skirt girls. They can pull of a skirt with a pair of old tennis shoes and a Tshirt. Cute girls. If I wasn't so scared of girls I might chase after one of those cute skirt girls and try to marry them.

Tonight I went to Jen's and watched the series finale of friends. I didn't cry this time but there were some moments of great laughter and excitement.


Momentarilly I will begin my last final. I will be finished with my formal education. Wow!


Saturday Christy is throwing me some party. Numbers of my friends have been invited to celebrate my going overseas (or my leaving one, I'm not real sure). I've never had friends really. I wonder if for the first time in my life I will keep up with these friends. Waco has changed me. It has made me into a different person than I was three and a half short years ago.


May 1, Mark and I decided to start our "lasts." "This is the last time will will be here or do this." Christy gets upset when we talk about it. I do too, but laughing about it keeps me from getting sad.


This is the end of so many great things. But endings always mean beginnings also. I wonder what is beginning. I know I am going overseas but what is beginning in this new stage of life. How will I change? How will I grow? Will I fall back to the person I used to be? Who will I love? Who will I play with, and laugh with, and cry with? Who's mom will I talk about? Who will I give a ride home?


I am heartbroken; but I am so excited! What is beginning? What is next?

New Tool

Thought some of you guys/gals might want to check out this nifty tool. I like it so far.

WBLOGGAR.COM

Grace...

The concepts in the parable of The Forgiving Father are hard for me to grasp. I don't actually understand grace the way it is presented in this story.


About three weeks ago a friend of mine called my understanding of grace into question. Since that time I have been trying to find out if I even believe in grace. Of course I have the verbage to say things about grace but I sure don't live a life with evidence that I exhibit or experience grace.


I have allowed grace to be the ticket that earns us entry into salvation and the body of Christ. From there it seems to stop. I have lived my life as if the grace of God stops at the door...from that point on I have to earn my keep. How crazy is that? It must not be such a foreign idea because the younger soon tried to do the same. He didn't see himself worthy of ever being a son again. He wanted to earn back some honor, some respect.


The father would have none of it. He welcomed him in as a son. He welcomed him fully. He put sandals on his feet and a robe on his back. No matter what was lost, no matter what was done - he was a son. He would always be a son.


The next to last chapter in Blue Like Jazz is on love. It isn't about loving others...that is the chapter before. It is about loving self. Miller realized he was unwilling to love himself. His inability to love or even like himself had made it impossible for him to receive love from others, to receive love from God.


What is the difference between loving yourself and being an arrogant fool? How can one be humble and yet have respect for himself/herself? Both must be possible...but how.


Currently I swim in this world. I swim in the questions of grace. I desire to be a vessel of grace for others, but until I am capable of receiving the grace of God I can not reliably display it.


Today I talked with my friend who began me on this journey of grace. I shared with him the impact he had made and my fear of losing it as I leave this place. Somehow this led us to a conversation of emotion. I am not a very emotional person. I cry like a big fat baby in movies. I am however, not as likely to cry in life situations. I displace my hurt my, my fear, my sadness, my anger. I cover them up and move them away as a way to handle them. I was challenged to feel.


I want a step by step plan to figure out living in grace. I want it to be logical, intellectual. My friend has challenged me to allow this pursuit not to be intellectual but experiential. Continue to experience doubt, sadness, hurt, fear. Don't hid from it, don't ignore it.


My friend has helped me continue to journey of looking more like Christ. I don't always like his ideas. I am also scared I will stop trying once he is gone. I am moving soon...it's scary.

It's All About To Change...

For those who care I am still alive. Mark got on to me today and told me I had to right something.


Quick updates:
Graduation in about 3 weeks (assuming I get everything done).
Africa - Orientation in July, fly out in September. I'm pretty excited. And pretty nervous.
Dentist - I need lots-o-dental-work. Sucks!!


Now the rest:
I watched a movie tonight, 13 Going on 30. Good little flick. I sat and watched the credits at the end. I like to do that although others tend to laugh at me for it. I sat and watched and thought about my own childhood/teenage years. Who was I a jerk to? I know the list couldn't be summed up in one or two names.


I sat pretty discouraged as I thought about people I probably don't remember. I forgot their names long ago. I wondered who they are now and if we would be friends if I hadn't been so up my own butt. I imagine I push these people away everyday. I sure haven't gotten better as I've aged, if anything I've gone downhill.


Soon I'm leaving. I'm leaving Waco. I'm leaving the States. I wonder how I'll change. I wonder if I will become more of a jerk or less of a jerk. Will I ever want to return home? How will God work in my life? Will I allow him to work at all? Will I stop worrying so much what people think about me and at the same time stop worrying so much about what I think about myself?


I'm so behind in the game. I should have learned so much by now that I have yet to figure out. I wish I knew what grace was. I wish I knew how to give it and how to receive it.


I feel as if my mind is running so crazy that I have tons to write and none to write.


I'm scared to go. I'm ready to go. I don't like myself sometimes. I like myself way to much most of the time. I'm way too arrogant. I deal with inferiority. I have a lot of friends. I love my friends. I want to spend more time with them. I'm lonely.


I'm a mess. God loves me. Who the heck knows why? That is not my question to ask.


The end of school is near. I want to quit. I never want to go again. I'm scared to not have classes. I’m so glad I’m single. I want to be married...now.


God loves me. God loves me. God loves me.

props

I love wireless internet. I am sitting in McAlister's blogging and checking email. How amazing is that? I am ready for the day that it is everywhere...free.


I need to tell a story.


Tonight I was studying at Barnes and Noble. Well, okay, so I wasn't getting much studying done. I am trying to get research done for a paper, but it is slow going. So I spent some time talking to my friend Pam and reading some other books. Then I decided I was falling asleep and it was time to go.


As I was leaving I saw this cool new magazine so stopped to glance at it. On the other side of the magazine rack is a chick. I didn't even notice her until I saw this guy walk up. Here are his words (as best I could hear):


"Hey I've never seen you around before, do you go to Baylor."
"Yes," she shyly responds.
"Me too, what are you studying?"
Small talk continues but who cares about that part. Here comes the best part:
"Well I've seen you around before and I think you're pretty cute."
She said something I couldn't hear.
He said, "Yeah, I think your pretty cute and I would like to know if I could take you out some time."


SUB preacher just preached at me in McAlister's. I have a hard time not being cynical of this.


I've kind of lost track of my story thinking about preaching boy. I can't figure out why this is the way he chooses to show Jesus to the world. I respect his passion and conviction. Maybe I criticize because my faith is too weak to do things like that. Maybe I criticize because I can't think of what passage in scripture would support what just happened.


Now that I have at least temporarily left the story let me talk about this event I sit in. Mark often blogs around people; I tend to do it in private. This being around people sure sparks thoughts. There are cute girls on the left of me that just got back from Six Flags. I am jealous of the trip. I want so badly to go play like that right now. I also wouldn't mind sitting with the girls instead of alone with only my large sweet tea and my chocolate chip cookie. There is a dad (Baylor Dad T-shirt confirmed) eating with his Zeta daughter. I can't really hear their conversation so I just imagine what might be being said. There are a few others scattered here and there. I am on the quiet side of the restaurant. I can't see those speaking on the other side of this curtain thing.


Back to the story:
I can't actually hear the response I just assume she says she is dating someone by the bummed out, "oh okay," I hear.
He casually walks away, sits at a table in the cafe with another girl he was studying with.
She turns back to the magazine. I wish I could have see her face.


I have to tell someone. I rush back to where I was sitting to share the story with Pam. All of the sudden he is back there too. He came to tell another female friend the story. She thought he was lying. He told her, she didn't believe him. But even if she did she told him that would never work the girl would just think he was a freak.


This is when I joined the conversation. "He's not lying." I heard the whole conversation.
"Did you really?" she responds. "Tell him that this will never work and is a dumb idea."
"actually I have to say I was pretty impressed. But did you ever think it would actually work?"
We carry on a short conversation and I left both thinking this guy was a little too arrogant, but also might ballsy. I was jealous of his courage and embarrassed by his mode of presentation.


Gotta go; late for a meeting.

dinner guest

I had a rather amusing experience last night. It was 8:30 or 9 and I decided to go get dinner. I walked down the street to Chili's too. The place was empty. There was one big table there and all of the workers were off doing busy work trying to not get too bored.


I ordered and sat down to start reading a book and catching up on some phone calls. While I was on the phone with Opie I thought I saw something small run across the floor on the other side of the room. Surely it was just a shadow; I was imagining things as I sat alone in the empty restaurant.


Then suddenly there it went again. Holy cow! There was a mouse running around the floor at Chili's. I had never seen that happen and got a pretty good laugh out of it. I so wish the place had been full so that people would have started screaming and jumping on tables. That would have been great comic relief to my otherwise not so interesting day of playing catch-up.

breaking and cathing-up

Ahh, Spring Break!! Do you capitalize that compound word? I don't know but you should. It is such a wonderful chance to experience life differently than the way I have been for the last several weeks and for several more. I agree with the words of one of my favorites, Dr. Hulitt Gloer, when he told us last week, "It is really more of 'Spring Catch-up' then 'Spring Break' for both students and professors." This year especially it is exactly that. Today I decided I would do both break and catch-up.


I am sitting at the park. I had Bush's chicken while I was hear. I read some Bonhoeffer for a paper I have to write. I caught up with the family by talking to all four members of it (well I talked to Mom through Dad). I took a nap (until the sun popped back out and was both in my eyes and too hot to lay in it directly). Now I journal/blog. Next I will respond to an email from a girl (long, funny story I'll tell later). Ahh, Bush's tea is so dang good.


After I conclude this work on the computer I will have to head back to campus to hit the library (yuck) and the mail room. I love being on campus when it is empty; it is peaceful and relaxing. I can just hang out; I can park where I want; I have no choice but to eat out!


The paper is about Bonhoeffer's views on community. I get to read Life Together(I was supposed to read it in college but don't remember actually reading it. Except there are highlight marks throughout it and no "used" sticker on it. So perhaps I actually read this one. Then I have to find other sources to both support and critique his views. At that point I get to voice my opinion and what I have come to understand. I have no idea what community is, but I am trying so hard to learn. It will be amazingly beneficial to me in Africa, in the states pasturing, and in life in general. It should be a fun journey.


I really love this new computer right now. My last one had about seven minutes of battery life. Now with this one I am sitting in the car at the park. The breeze is blowing through the open doors and I am typing as I listen to Coldplay, Hootie, Sheryl Crow, The Dixie Chicks, and Norah. How cool is it that I can have them all playing out of the same box I am typing on.


The girl I mentioned. A couple weeks after the last Truett preview I got an email from Kristen. She had received it from these people I spent about 30 minutes eating lunch with. The two of them (husband and wife) had decided that they knew the perfect girl for me. Of course I quickly thought this was one of the weirdest things I had ever heard. But I decided it would at least create a fun story. So I emailed them, got her address and emailed her. Becca and I are still in the basic get to know a perfect stranger mode asking questions about life, family, work, etc. I have no intention of seeing it become more than a new friend. It is kinda fun!


Not sure if I ever mentioned it or not. Becoming friends, never worked with Amy. I wonder if Harry is right. Is it possible for a girl and a guy to just be friends? Do the chances improve if there are more than just the two of them in the relationship? Who knows? Maybe we never will completely understand what it is like to try and become friends with the opposite sex because we never pull it off without making out or someone falling in love with the other one. I think I have experienced it a couple times, but maybe I just didn't know the truth about the other person.


By the way, this is the first time I have ever given anything up for Lent. At the moment I hate Lent and I'm not really happy with God for the whole idea either.

i'm trying...

I am not real good at this because I don't know what to share. I also rarely take time to sit down and think long enough to journal/blog.


I spend a lot of time reading the blogs of many of you who will eventually read this. As could be expected, I feel more comfortable reading and pondering over the thoughts of others than I do making my own thoughts known to others.


For some reason I still haven't discovered, I didn't like myself much this weekend. I don't share that to be psychoanalyzed or to beg for encouragement. I merely share it as a real struggle this week. I need time to ponder what this may mean or be based on. I can't wait for school to end and have time to just sit and listen.


I had some conversations and some thoughts about friends that I think forced me to realize that the large divide that exists between the real me and the me I hope to be is scary. I keep thinking that surely if I "do" enough I have the ability to bridge the divide between the two.


I hate self-discipline or at least my lack of it, but at the same time I live my life trying to pursue more of it. I find myself a difficult person to understand.


I got word from Africa the other day. The resource center is opening, or I guess did open Monday which is nearing two days ago over there. I am so ready to get over there. I am a little nervous about my coming interview though.


I have come to some great conclusions in the last day or two regarding the BF&M. 1. Personal thought - if Paul was willing to overlook his own thoughts of what was right and wrong (eating meat) because it wasn't that big of a deal, should I do the same thing? 2. Thoughts from Mark - If you read the BF&M with the preamble it becomes real easy to support it.


I'm tired of typing on my broken keyboard and need lunch. I bought a new computer. They have been putting it in the box for three days before it can be shipped. However building, testing, etc. took one day. Doesn't make much sense to me.


Have you seen Joan of Arcadia? Once I lost Ed I started recording it. Pretty good stuff. Great sermon starters, but still not Ed.


My prayer - peace and contentment to rest in the arms of God.

graduation

Assuming I can pass my classes, graduation will soon be here!! Praise Jesus!!!!!!

random ranting...

I am about as good at this blogging thing as I am at journaling...I suck at it. Oh well, that is the joy of it being mine, I get to choose if I use it or not.


I am sitting at Barnes and Noble with Christy; we are "studying." Actually she is off looking for something. She is as bad as I am at keeping focused on stuff. She just got back. It is kinda weird being here with Christy. I always wonder if people are going to think she is cheating on her husband with one of his accountability partners. What they don't understand is I live with them, well not really. Last night I spent the night at their house. Accept I never slept and they did; I just played Play Station all night. I played through an entire season and two off seasons. I won the National Championship both years, yeah for me.


I thought I got away with them not knowing I had been there all night. Little did I know Jason got up to pee as I was leaving. As he was going to the bathroom in the next room he thought I had just left the light on, then he saw the light go off and heard the door open. Dope! I was caught. It was 6am. Oops! Guess what - skipped church. And it was a very painful experience, okay so maybe not.


I gotta get married. I hate girls still - some things never change. But I need a kid to play with bad. I keep praying Jason and Christy will have a baby. I told her last night I am going to change her pills for sugar pills. There are all kinds of cute kids here; I'm not sure what they are doing at a bookstore - they are too young to read.


Christy is convinced I am going to be their nanny one day. Jason vetoed the idea. He is scared his kids would like me more than him. Of course they would - who doesn't. (No comments necessary!!)


The other day we were eating at this cool steak place. If you haven't been to Heitmiller's Family Steakhouse, GO! I became buddies with the kid sitting next to us. Before he left he gave me hug and we were playing games and all kinds of stuff. Mark said if I did that in Maryland someone would shoot me - I'm not sure I could ever live there.


Now on to relatively serious stuff. I love Blue Like Jazz. The guy consistently speaks my life right on the pages in front of me. It is so powerful. He spoke about grace a few weeks ago. It rocked my world. Now he is talking about belief.


I so often feel like he claims. It just doesn't all fit. "I have become an infomercial for God, and I don't even use the product." I talk about this stuff so often, but I don't live like I believe it. It is tough for me. I don't know what it is that has yet to click between my head and my heart and my actions. I keep hoping and praying God will grab a hold of me so tightly that I can't even breathe without begging him to let me. I long to realize I need God that much.

Missiology of Suffering

Last week I sat in a conference on the persecuted church. It was powerful information. The presenter has done about 450 interviews in about 65 of the most persecuted countries in the world. He has amazing wisdom and insight into what it means to do ministry. He especially has insight into doing ministry in the persecuted world. Let me share a couple things that were moving to me.


The first night dealt with persecution and the US. He mentioned the fact that the church grows when it is in a state of persecution. This being the case he doubts there will be serious persecution in the States. "Why would Satan want to cause persecution in the States if it will get the church going? It is doing nothing now, why cause it to get started?" What a powerful, challenging statement.


On the first night he defined the church. He defines church as:
1. Chooses its leader, governs itself
2. Cares for its members, supports and finances itself
3. Reproduces itself into new communities (defined by community)
I of course have questions. Does there have to be a leader? Do I have a church that fits this definition? Does this definition apply to churches in the states and overseas? If so we aren't the best at reproducing.


On the weekends I try to hang out with my church. I don't really consider my church the place I worship on Sunday mornings. Sure that is my church too. But I think of my church as my community. They are the people I pray with and play with. They are the people I eat with and cry with. They challenge me to grow to serve God more. They challenge me to receive grace more. They challenge me to not be greedy with my money or my stuff. They challenge me to live like Jesus. I wonder if we fit the above definition. We don't have a leader. We support each other somewhat, but usually not financially. We care about one another more than we care for each other. We have never reproduced. I'm not sure I have ever been in a church that can fulfill this definition.


Perhaps I am the closest now though. We are defined by our community. We live and love side by side; hand in hand. We encourage one another and pray for one another. We break bread together; we serve God together.


The conference finished with looking at examples of victorious faith. My faith is so far from victorious. He continued to share the challenge of the persecuted: "Don't give up in freedom what we would never give up in persecution." What a challenge. How convicting. How disappointing. I desire to experience victorious faith. I want to look more like Christ.


I went to Best Buy to buy a new CD today. They didn't have it. I don't know the title I just knew I wanted the Coldplay CD I learned in Africa. Every time I hear a song from that CD I think of driving down the streets of Africa. I miss that place. I want to hear the reminder more often.

Monster

I love the movies. Last night Mark, Megan, and I went to see "Monster." Holy Cow what a movie! It was extremely intense. There were some scenes and some language that I would definitely warn people of before I could recommend it. But I definitely recommend it. I love when a movie makes it possible for you to hurt for the "bad guy."


Charlize Theron (who is hot, by the way; but not in the movie) plays a hooker who begins to kill her clients and falls in love on the way. It was amazing. Mark and I talked about it lots last night. There are some amazing challenges for the church in the movie. Christians are shown in a bad light in the movie. The sad thing is I wish the portrayal was incorrect. But it was so dead on the majority of upper middle-class,white, "Christian," America.


The mother of the house got on to the young girl who was staying with them because she brought a street person into the house. "We don't need to be around those kinds of people," she said. Oh don't we though?! We as the body of Christ need to immerse ourselves in the people of the world. We need to be a passionate part of the world that we live in. Christ in us is powerful enough to change the world if we will participate in it.


Great movie!!


Go see it and let me know what you think.

Jason's table...

I am sitting at Jason's table in Starbuck's. I hate my computer because not all of the keys work and I only get about 7 minutes of battery time.


I am writing a sermon. I am going to speak tonight at a True Love Waits, Disciple Now. I am a little nervous about it. I have not had the purity I would hope for in most of my relationships. Several months ago I started thinking about this and what the problem had been. I led another D'Now like this a few months ago. At that point I began to think about what it was that I did not get told. What should they have told me that would have helped, because whatever I got did not do the trick?


The story that kept popping in my mind preparing this weekend was the story of Peter walking on water. I knew that the reason I liked it was because for Peter to stay on top of the water he had to have his eyes on Jesus. I realized that I cannot and the teens cannot fight sin alone. We need Jesus!


But last night I read a chapter of a book that made it even clearer. John Ortberg wrote, If You Want to Walk on Water You've to Get out of the Boat. I read some of the section on "focus." I knew Jason had used that word when he and I talked about this sermon at Lolita's, but I did not think of it quite the way the book put it.


When Peter focused on Jesus he could stay on top of the water. When he began to focus on walking on water, he sank. It is the same with us and sin. My focus does not need to be defeating the sin. Rather, it needs to be about pleasing God. If I can change my focus from one trying to be pure as in don't sin, to trying to be pure as in live for Christ perhaps I too can see miracles happen.


As I type this the difference seems so subtle. But in reality it is huge. It is the difference between saying "I can do it" or "he can do it." I can't he can!!

Lorica

I arise today through God's strength to pilot me:
God's might to uphold me,
God's wisdom to guide me,
God's eye to look before me,
God's ear to hear me,
God's word to speak for me,
God's hand to gaurd me.
Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me,
Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ on my right, Christ on my left,
Christ when I lie down, Christ when I sit down, Christ when I arise.
Christ in the heart of every one who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of every one who speaks to me,
Christ in every eye that sees me,
Christ in every ear that hears me.
I arise today
Through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity.

-- St. Patrick

Norah

FYI - The new Norah Jones, feels like home is wonderful. I went to Best Buy just to browse as I do about once a week. While there I remembered her CD had come out. It was on sale so I bought it. Great buy!! It sounds a lot different than the last one. More diverse; less mellow.

Time Away

Recently, a friend and I decided we were going to not hang out for a while. We decided the best thing for our friendship would be if we spent some time apart and then came back to it later. This isn't easy. I miss my friend.


I recognize that this is the wisest decision and what must happen if our friendship will ever span the difficulties of time. Long term - this is the only way to maintain the relationship. But I hate thinking in the long term when the short term seems so much clearer and easier.


I always tend to like the easy way out.

"The Good Ole Days" or Were They?

I got a phone call from a high school friend last night. She is actually an exgirlfriend too. I talk to her about once every several months. She calls or emails and we can never get a hold of one another. Then we finally catch each other and have a long conversation about nothing. Usually it ends up back on the conversation of high school.


It is interesting that I really have no continued relationship from high school. I see a few people when I go home but very few. College is not really much different. But my life at Truett looks a lot different. I feel like I have made my life about the community that I am in. In high school and college I knew a lot of people maybe even had a lot of friends. But my primary relationships were with girlfriends.


Since being here I have stepped out of that world a bit and it has allowed me the chance to build some solid friendships that I hope to carry with me for life.


I always love talking about my high school days. It reminds me how much of an idiot I was and encourages me to at least do new idiotic things rather than the same ones I have always done.


Last night my friend asked me if I regretted anything from college. At first I said no and then I changed my mind. I told her I probably should have never dated some of the people I did, never made out with others I did not even date, and I would have been braver. I really would have gone skinny dippin' at camp when we talked about it. I really would have kissed that hostess in Louisville (long story). I would have played more, worried less, and loved harder.


Sometimes I let my life here drift back to the old days. I let worrying push out my play. My life becomes miserable when I live life that way again.


I've lost all of my friends from high school. Most of them I ran off by dating their friends or making out with a friend and never telling anyone (they found out most of them later any way). Others I have lost by just not putting forth any effort to stay in touch. The sad part is I don't really regret those losses. If I had spent all of my time after college maintaining those relationships from the past I would never have built the ones I have today.


I will take today's and forget about the past.


PS - I never actually go back and reread these things. I am sensing after finishing this entry that I sound like a real jerk. I guess there are some things you just can’t hide.

Glimpses of Grace

I wanted to share some readings from Madeleine L'Engle.


The Qualifications for God's Work
Slowly I have realized that I do not have to be qualified to do what I am asked to do, that I just have to go ahead and do it, even if I can't do it as well as I think it ought to be done. This is one of the most liberating lessons of my life.


The qualifications needed for God's work are very different from those of the world. In fact, when we begin to think we are qualified, we have already fallen for the tempter's wiles. Not one of us has to be qualified in order to employ lesson, meditation, and orison; to read, think, and pray over Scripture. We do not need to have gone to a theological seminary, or to have taken courses in Bible in or out of college. We do have to be willing to open ourselves to the power of the living Word. And sometimes that can be frightening.


Wounded Healers
Would I really be able to worship a God who was simply implacable power, and who was invulnerable? If I am hurt, I don't turn for strength and help to someone who has never been hurt, but to someone who has, and who can therefore understand a little of what I am going through. The people I know who are the most invulnerable also tend to show the least compassion.


The kind of person I turn to is someone who has been strong enough to face pain when it comes - and it does come. Someone who faces it, endures it, and tries as hard as possible to go through it and come out on the other side. Someone whose urge for health is strong enough to hold on to wholeness even in the midst of suffering. And someone who manages to retain a sense of humour, who has the gift of laughter.


As these are qualities I look for in another human being when I am in need of healing, so these are the qualities I look for in God.

emotions

I've been spending time thinking about emotions lately. I am not very emotional when it comes to real life. For some reason I have created this idea that when it comes to real life my job is to be strong and rational.


It's strange that I work this way because I am one of the first to get emotional in movies. I cry in about every movie I see – and I love it. Tonight I watched about 10 minutes of "Joan of Arcadia." I started crying at the end. I don't know why, I don't even really know what the show is about.


I have been talking about this some in counseling. We are trying to figure out what is up with my emotions. How are they out of whack? How are they undiscovered or immature? Not sure yet.


Emotion has really amazed me when I don’t know what it is about. A couple movies have caused this type of emotion. When I saw The Hours I got emotional but I didn’t know what the emotion meant or how to explain it. When I saw The Butterfly Effect the same thing happened. I like to understand my emotions. I like to know the answers.


I hope to continue to discover what emotion means and why it comes out. What am I supposed to do with it? I usually look at it as a problem to take care of. I have to transition to see it a part of life I am supposed to experience.

Week From Hell

What a Week
I really wanted to just call it all quits. I was so tired of running like a chicken with my head cut off for about 16 hours a day. Finally today I got to the end of the woods...well at least these woods. I'm sure they will start again next week.

The Girl
We talked tonight. I have been praying for her all week and thinking about what had happened. FYI - I called her last week twice. Didn't bother putting this on here. I was intentionally keeping it on the DL. Kinda strange phone calls. They were fun jawkwardward. Not gonna go into it. So all week I have been thinking and talking to people about this reality that we don't even know each other.

I decided I wasn't really interested in a "girlfriend" (I hate that word!) right now. But after some personal thought and persuasion from some peers I decided I could not let the chance to be this girl's friend slip away.

So tonight - we chatted for a while then I told her what I was thinking. I am tired of being nervous when I call her. I don't want to pursue her; I just want a chance to be her friend. Then I told her I wasn't sure how she should respond I just knew I needed to say it. She agreed; she doesn't want a relationship but she is willing to pursue being friends.

I am so happy. She could be an incredible friend and prayer warrior. She is so much fun. Now comes the tough part. How do you become friends with a stranger of the opposite sex and keep it from in any shape form or fashion looking like a date or something that could lead that way? You can't really just hang out one on one. I feel bad inviting her to hang out with my friends she doesn't know. But it would be weird to go hang out with all of hers too. I'm not sure yet the sacrifices that have to be made to build a new friendship that will take work.

We decided to think about it over the weekend. I promised I would pray for her as she did a Disciple Now this weekend. Then I asked her permission to call back Sunday or Monday and we would talk again.

Africa
Got an email. They need some clarification. Got a phone call from James. He walked me through their needs and is ready for me to get there. Looks like September or so is a go. I can't wait to get over there.

I'm tired of writing I quit. Gotta watch Ed and the West Wing. Tomorrow night is probably the last Ed ever. That sux!!

Where Does Time Go?

How do I find the time to do all that I want to do in life? I want to finish strong in school. I want to spend time with friends. I want to build new relationships. I want to be a phenomenal chaplain. I want to spend time with my guys and my girls. I want to watch TV. I want to read lots of books. I want to sit in cafes and talk to strangers and drink coffee. I want to spend a day praying. I want to go to Houston. I want to plan a mission trip. I want to get to Africa…soon. I want to be involved in my church. I want to exercise.

Where does it end? Is it supposed to end? The only way I can figure to manage enough time to do it all is to get less sleep. Is that safe; is it healthy? Is the problem that I want to much? Is the problem poor time management? Am I wasting my life away?

How do I know where to go, what to do, and how to get there? How do I pursue Christ in all that I commit to?

Disruptions

My journaling ended so abruptly yesterday. I was interrupted in the middle of it by a strange man at Common Grounds. I didn’t know him from Adam and honestly I kept hoping he was going to eventually ask me for money and let me get back to work. He never asked for money.

Instead he sat and talked to me for two hours. He claims God speaks to him audibly and frequently. I’m okay with this idea, but then he went farther. He told me about his angel friend he hangs out with. He is 7 foot tall, 4 foot wide, and has long blond curly hair. The angel Michael also hangs out with him pretty frequently – supposedly because he has such an interesting life.

He believed himself a prophet and shared with me what God had to say about my life. Apparently God is thus far pleased with me. He also is calling me to be a full time missionary and I will be leaving for the field within three months. Of course this isn’t very possible considering it would require me quitting school and chaplain work about a month before finishing. He went back to God at which point God told him I would actually finish school early somehow.

I didn’t argue or ask many questions because honestly I just wanted to be left alone. Today I was reading Blue Like Jazz. In it there is a story of a young lady coming to Christ. Her friend Naomi was a valuable tool to that position because she “talked about God as if she had talked to him on the phone that day.”

I was a little weirded out by my CG friend, but I was insanely jealous of the girl in the book. I desire to know God that way. I recognize the problem isn’t God but me. I must be willing to listen to God and sacrifice my own desires to sit in his presence.

I feel bad about the guy in CG. I barely listened and sure didn’t enjoy the conversation. In know way did I show him the love of Christ in my life. Was God giving me an opportunity to prove my willingness to lay down my own tasks and listen to the heart of another? I hope not, because I failed…miserably.

I recognize I have been trying to answer all of my own questions for my life. I want to “decide” the best time to go to Africa. I want to plan out the stuff with the girl. When will I have enough faith to take these things to God?

I unfortunately believe the mistake my pastor is making. He is talking about rebooting out life to connect with God. The problem with the illustration is you only begin to fix computers when something is broken. I can’t wait until my life falls apart to give it to God. I have to recognize the brokenness that currently exists and give my life to God now.

I’m done writing, I have actually said nothing, and I feel better. That’s kinda weird.

Meeting Strangers and Living in Community

One of my favorite things in life is also one of my least favorite. I both love and hate to meet incredible people. It is a favorite because of the cool chance that you have to learn and interact with them. It is a least favorite because you often have a great conversation and then know that you are never going to actually see one another again.

One difficulty I still have in figuring out community is where do you draw the lines. I want to be around so many people all the time. How do I include those who “aren’t a part?” (Meaning they don’t know, and/or don’t like the others, etc.) Do I at that point participate in numerous communities? Or do I have one main community and lots of fringe ones? Do I just treasure the one conversation and then let the individual drift into the world of people I once knew?

I believe strongly in community. But I also believe in that community reaching out to others. The two issues I still deal with in the midst of this are how to feel any sense of consistency once the group gets to big and has to “multiply?” Also how do you build the trust with the newbies you have with the veterans?

I got no answers just random thoughts.

Purging...Finally

Blah
I had to begin this blog by just writing down the topics I wanted to discuss. There is so much that has been rattling around in my brain the last several days and zero time to get it down on paper. It is tough to be so busy and to have no other desire than that life would just slow down.

Community
I am so blessed. I have the opportunity to spend my life in the midst of incredible people. Why has it taken so long for me to recognize the value of the people that have been placed in my life? I have been in Waco for 3½ years and for the most part I have pissed away some of the best relationships I have ever had the opportunity to participate in.

I was in Orlando with my family over Christmas and it hit me how badly I wanted to get home (Waco) to see the people that I loved. It was sparked by a phone call from Jen. She called to get someone to go into her apartment with her since no one was around. I realized at that point the value of other people. I realized that I had wasted so many opportunities to invest in the lives of others and really get to know who they are.

At this point in life I really want nothing more than to share life with these people. I get to learn so much from each of them. I could go on and on with stories about Mark and Jason and Christy and Dwight and Steph and Jen and Mikel and Murph and Aiken and on and on and on. I hope to spend as much time as possible with these people this semester. What in life could be more important than living in the midst of Christian community? I have decided to work harder to treat my chaplain job as more like these types of relationships than work responsibilities.

Chaplain Work
My job has been busy this week but fulfilling. I have pondered not having my small group meetings with CL’s but instead making sure I have one on one time with each of them. I talked to Neil and Cori last week who both brought up a desire to hang out with me but an inability to feel like they could do so. They were stuck in the idea that I was their superior. And while of course I am I still desire to spend time with them. I think I am going to try and figure out how to be their friend rather than their boss, etc.

A Girl
So I met a girl. I have a crush. I’m scared to death of her. I can’t get anyone I talk to, to convince me not to ask her out. I’m a sissy. Jason says do it – what have you got to loose. I don’t even know the girl I just know the limited time I spent with her she impressed me. Laura started trying to figure out ways to help get us in a common situation. I will likely only see her again if I initiate an interaction. We run in different circles with different people. Mark (another one) says go for it. He knows who she is and said he doesn’t see any red flags. I’m scared to death; can’t that be a red flag?

Laura made the comment that stepping out on the line to ask a girl out honors her. I am still trying to decide if I agree with that thought. This thought has really challenged me though. I had decided to contact her when Jason challenged me – I was going to send an email. Rejection is so much easier over email. Then I decided maybe a voicemail. I could call when I knew she would be at work and not actually talk to her.

But if it is truly honoring than I desire to honor her as much as possible (She deserves it.). Therefore I have decided if I ever have the guts I will call and have a conversation. It may hurt or it may be the beginning of something great.

I have never asked out a girl I didn’t know. I have not asked any girl out in three years or more. I am a chicken.

Blogging
I am still trying to figure out what is appropriate to publish online. If said girl runs across this site, I look like an even bigger idiot than I usually look like. If I publish my thoughts and desires and ideas I prove myself to be so much less than I like people to think that I am. I am not sure I am comfortable with that reality.

Therefore I will only give you what I feal comfortable allowing you to read. The rest of my miserable self I will keep to myself or perhaps share only with those who care enough to dig deep enough. Or those who I care enough about to vomit the reality of me upon whether they care or not. That's what freinds are for, right?

Email Response
No word from Africa.

Friday Thoughts

To those who know me well I am considered shall we say, "hard to please." I am never completely satisfied with something. Is this a good thing or a bad thing? I don't know the answer to that question. I once heard a sermon by Andy Stanley. He spoke of being a leader and that a valuable part of that was a critical mind. He said that leaders are made as critical people. They look at something and begin to ponder how it could be made better.

I'm not writing this blog as a complaint of my friends laughing about my typical response, "it's okay." instead I am desiring to dig into understanding me. Since my last blog I have been pondering my negativity. I feel like I have always been an optimist rather than a pessimist. I even often view pessimism and perfectionism as negative character traits. I know that this view isn't fair either.

My desire, which is perhaps a self esteem issue in itself, is to be the type of person that people feel blessed having been around. I feel like that was the character of Christ. People felt built up, appreciated, encouraged, cared for when they were in his presence. Even when Christ offered criticism he seemed to have an amazingly comfortable/compassionate way of doing it.

Where is the line between being a "leader" as Stanley would say, and being a negative person. I want to be one but not the other. I fear I spend more time on the negative side than the leader side. I am not comfortable with that reality.

I'm so tired of the mundane. Last night I studied for about four hours. I got through about 1/2 of one class's work. I need to read for several more hours this morning but I'm so tired of it from last night I have yet to muster the energy to start all over again.

I am so ready to graduate. It seems like May will never get here. And all though I can't wait until classes end, it will also be rather weird. I have been going to school for 20 years. I'm not sure what it will be like to not register for classes, or buy books, or check into scholarships.

It will be extremely difficult to leave the community that has formed over the last 3 1/2 years and has begun to grow and flourish over last semester. How do I make the most of these relationships before they potentially come to a close? How do I keep them from coming to closure, but maintain contact even in the midst of separation? I'm not sure the answer to any of these questions but they will continue to be a focus of my thoughts as the time draws ever closer.

When I leave I plan to head to Northeast Africa. But that again brings a whole new realm of thoughts roaming around my small brain. When do I leave? How long do I stay? Will they give me a position anyway? Currently it is all up in the air. I will send an email today or tomorrow to the people I hope to work with. Hopefully we will be willing to seek out the wisdom of God on the issue considering our wisdom is definitely not enough.

Tonight has been a good night. Jason, Christy, Mark, and I went and saw the Mavs play the Nets. We had a lot of fun as we always do. More and more everyday I am learning the value of good community and the necessity it is in my life. It helps me enjoy life more and it helps me desire to pursue Christ more. I praise God for the community I am able to interact with.

A thought: I recently had a conversation regarding sexual thoughts/actions as a continuum. In the conversation we discussed if there is a point where sexual thoughts turn to lust. If this is true than there is a place on the "line" that is natural and healthy for people to remain even if outside of a marriage relationship. I'm not sure if I agree with the idea or not, but it is an interesting thought.

If it is true than how do we distinguish appropriate thoughts from lust? If it is true why has the idea never been mentioned? Rather we teach young Christians that any sexual thought or act is reserved for marriage alone and is sin outside of that. Perhaps this is a true statement but if it isn't it makes for a lot of guilty teenagers who don't know what to do with natural, appropriate sexual thoughts.

I'm not sure if this entire post makes me look like a sex addict or a pervert. Oh, well. I remember Tony Campolo speaking when I was in high school. He said something about praying prayers that God would remove from him all sexual thoughts and temptation. Then all of the sudden he realized that was a stupid prayer because life would be strange and boring without the natural thoughts.

Who knows. But the game was fun. How 'bout Antoine Walker? (That was for you Mark.)

I have been pretty unproductive today. I very intentionally did not set my alarm clock. I woke up at 10:45. It was great. It had been a long weekend. I did Jason’s D-Now. Mark and I ended up in the same house working with the high school guys.
They were good guys. It was sort of tough though. I those situations I always find myself reflecting back to when I was there age. I think of the things I was thinking, and saying, and doing. I try to imagine what should have been said to encourage me to live my life differently than I have. I wonder if I needed more “don'ts” or more “how’s” or more “this is why’s.” I never quite figure out what should have happened.
My prayer is that we leave the weekend and someone has been touched. Hopefully it is one of the guys; usually it is me. We had fun, good things happened, God was worshiped.

Counseling
Last semester I went to see a friend who does counseling. We were only allowed to visit three times and then I started elsewhere. Now I have met with that Doc twice. Today was another.
At both of the first meetings the question was asked why I had come. I felt as if I was supposed to have this deep pressing psychological issue I needed to resolve. The truth is I first went because one of “the bosses” told me to. He told us all to go. He thought it would be a good place to resolve job related stress. Mine has never really talked about work. I don’t really have any job related stress because I don’t really do my job.
I go to a counselor because I believe all people can benefit from the experience and because I think it will allow me more empathy for those I counsel.
Each time I go I love it. It is so exhilarating. I leave with this new insight into me. It is fascinating. Each time I leave lost in thought about who I am and why I am who I am. One of the discoveries in the last two weeks was into defense mechanisms. We explored possible fears and anxieties in my life and how I might be going about dodging admitting or discussing them.
There will definitely be more on this issue soon.

Work
I was real lazy in my job last semester. God has called me to be more and do more. I have to be faithful to that call.