Thought some of you guys/gals might want to check out this nifty tool. I like it so far.
WBLOGGAR.COM
Tuesday, April 27, 2004
Grace...
The concepts in the parable of The Forgiving Father are hard for me to grasp. I don't actually understand grace the way it is presented in this story.
About three weeks ago a friend of mine called my understanding of grace into question. Since that time I have been trying to find out if I even believe in grace. Of course I have the verbage to say things about grace but I sure don't live a life with evidence that I exhibit or experience grace.
I have allowed grace to be the ticket that earns us entry into salvation and the body of Christ. From there it seems to stop. I have lived my life as if the grace of God stops at the door...from that point on I have to earn my keep. How crazy is that? It must not be such a foreign idea because the younger soon tried to do the same. He didn't see himself worthy of ever being a son again. He wanted to earn back some honor, some respect.
The father would have none of it. He welcomed him in as a son. He welcomed him fully. He put sandals on his feet and a robe on his back. No matter what was lost, no matter what was done - he was a son. He would always be a son.
The next to last chapter in Blue Like Jazz is on love. It isn't about loving others...that is the chapter before. It is about loving self. Miller realized he was unwilling to love himself. His inability to love or even like himself had made it impossible for him to receive love from others, to receive love from God.
What is the difference between loving yourself and being an arrogant fool? How can one be humble and yet have respect for himself/herself? Both must be possible...but how.
Currently I swim in this world. I swim in the questions of grace. I desire to be a vessel of grace for others, but until I am capable of receiving the grace of God I can not reliably display it.
Today I talked with my friend who began me on this journey of grace. I shared with him the impact he had made and my fear of losing it as I leave this place. Somehow this led us to a conversation of emotion. I am not a very emotional person. I cry like a big fat baby in movies. I am however, not as likely to cry in life situations. I displace my hurt my, my fear, my sadness, my anger. I cover them up and move them away as a way to handle them. I was challenged to feel.
I want a step by step plan to figure out living in grace. I want it to be logical, intellectual. My friend has challenged me to allow this pursuit not to be intellectual but experiential. Continue to experience doubt, sadness, hurt, fear. Don't hid from it, don't ignore it.
My friend has helped me continue to journey of looking more like Christ. I don't always like his ideas. I am also scared I will stop trying once he is gone. I am moving soon...it's scary.
About three weeks ago a friend of mine called my understanding of grace into question. Since that time I have been trying to find out if I even believe in grace. Of course I have the verbage to say things about grace but I sure don't live a life with evidence that I exhibit or experience grace.
I have allowed grace to be the ticket that earns us entry into salvation and the body of Christ. From there it seems to stop. I have lived my life as if the grace of God stops at the door...from that point on I have to earn my keep. How crazy is that? It must not be such a foreign idea because the younger soon tried to do the same. He didn't see himself worthy of ever being a son again. He wanted to earn back some honor, some respect.
The father would have none of it. He welcomed him in as a son. He welcomed him fully. He put sandals on his feet and a robe on his back. No matter what was lost, no matter what was done - he was a son. He would always be a son.
The next to last chapter in Blue Like Jazz is on love. It isn't about loving others...that is the chapter before. It is about loving self. Miller realized he was unwilling to love himself. His inability to love or even like himself had made it impossible for him to receive love from others, to receive love from God.
What is the difference between loving yourself and being an arrogant fool? How can one be humble and yet have respect for himself/herself? Both must be possible...but how.
Currently I swim in this world. I swim in the questions of grace. I desire to be a vessel of grace for others, but until I am capable of receiving the grace of God I can not reliably display it.
Today I talked with my friend who began me on this journey of grace. I shared with him the impact he had made and my fear of losing it as I leave this place. Somehow this led us to a conversation of emotion. I am not a very emotional person. I cry like a big fat baby in movies. I am however, not as likely to cry in life situations. I displace my hurt my, my fear, my sadness, my anger. I cover them up and move them away as a way to handle them. I was challenged to feel.
I want a step by step plan to figure out living in grace. I want it to be logical, intellectual. My friend has challenged me to allow this pursuit not to be intellectual but experiential. Continue to experience doubt, sadness, hurt, fear. Don't hid from it, don't ignore it.
My friend has helped me continue to journey of looking more like Christ. I don't always like his ideas. I am also scared I will stop trying once he is gone. I am moving soon...it's scary.
Sunday, April 25, 2004
It's All About To Change...
For those who care I am still alive. Mark got on to me today and told me I had to right something.
Quick updates:
Graduation in about 3 weeks (assuming I get everything done).
Africa - Orientation in July, fly out in September. I'm pretty excited. And pretty nervous.
Dentist - I need lots-o-dental-work. Sucks!!
Now the rest:
I watched a movie tonight, 13 Going on 30. Good little flick. I sat and watched the credits at the end. I like to do that although others tend to laugh at me for it. I sat and watched and thought about my own childhood/teenage years. Who was I a jerk to? I know the list couldn't be summed up in one or two names.
I sat pretty discouraged as I thought about people I probably don't remember. I forgot their names long ago. I wondered who they are now and if we would be friends if I hadn't been so up my own butt. I imagine I push these people away everyday. I sure haven't gotten better as I've aged, if anything I've gone downhill.
Soon I'm leaving. I'm leaving Waco. I'm leaving the States. I wonder how I'll change. I wonder if I will become more of a jerk or less of a jerk. Will I ever want to return home? How will God work in my life? Will I allow him to work at all? Will I stop worrying so much what people think about me and at the same time stop worrying so much about what I think about myself?
I'm so behind in the game. I should have learned so much by now that I have yet to figure out. I wish I knew what grace was. I wish I knew how to give it and how to receive it.
I feel as if my mind is running so crazy that I have tons to write and none to write.
I'm scared to go. I'm ready to go. I don't like myself sometimes. I like myself way to much most of the time. I'm way too arrogant. I deal with inferiority. I have a lot of friends. I love my friends. I want to spend more time with them. I'm lonely.
I'm a mess. God loves me. Who the heck knows why? That is not my question to ask.
The end of school is near. I want to quit. I never want to go again. I'm scared to not have classes. I’m so glad I’m single. I want to be married...now.
God loves me. God loves me. God loves me.
Quick updates:
Graduation in about 3 weeks (assuming I get everything done).
Africa - Orientation in July, fly out in September. I'm pretty excited. And pretty nervous.
Dentist - I need lots-o-dental-work. Sucks!!
Now the rest:
I watched a movie tonight, 13 Going on 30. Good little flick. I sat and watched the credits at the end. I like to do that although others tend to laugh at me for it. I sat and watched and thought about my own childhood/teenage years. Who was I a jerk to? I know the list couldn't be summed up in one or two names.
I sat pretty discouraged as I thought about people I probably don't remember. I forgot their names long ago. I wondered who they are now and if we would be friends if I hadn't been so up my own butt. I imagine I push these people away everyday. I sure haven't gotten better as I've aged, if anything I've gone downhill.
Soon I'm leaving. I'm leaving Waco. I'm leaving the States. I wonder how I'll change. I wonder if I will become more of a jerk or less of a jerk. Will I ever want to return home? How will God work in my life? Will I allow him to work at all? Will I stop worrying so much what people think about me and at the same time stop worrying so much about what I think about myself?
I'm so behind in the game. I should have learned so much by now that I have yet to figure out. I wish I knew what grace was. I wish I knew how to give it and how to receive it.
I feel as if my mind is running so crazy that I have tons to write and none to write.
I'm scared to go. I'm ready to go. I don't like myself sometimes. I like myself way to much most of the time. I'm way too arrogant. I deal with inferiority. I have a lot of friends. I love my friends. I want to spend more time with them. I'm lonely.
I'm a mess. God loves me. Who the heck knows why? That is not my question to ask.
The end of school is near. I want to quit. I never want to go again. I'm scared to not have classes. I’m so glad I’m single. I want to be married...now.
God loves me. God loves me. God loves me.
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