Last week I sat in a conference on the persecuted church. It was powerful information. The presenter has done about 450 interviews in about 65 of the most persecuted countries in the world. He has amazing wisdom and insight into what it means to do ministry. He especially has insight into doing ministry in the persecuted world. Let me share a couple things that were moving to me.
The first night dealt with persecution and the US. He mentioned the fact that the church grows when it is in a state of persecution. This being the case he doubts there will be serious persecution in the States. "Why would Satan want to cause persecution in the States if it will get the church going? It is doing nothing now, why cause it to get started?" What a powerful, challenging statement.
On the first night he defined the church. He defines church as:
1. Chooses its leader, governs itself
2. Cares for its members, supports and finances itself
3. Reproduces itself into new communities (defined by community)
I of course have questions. Does there have to be a leader? Do I have a church that fits this definition? Does this definition apply to churches in the states and overseas? If so we aren't the best at reproducing.
On the weekends I try to hang out with my church. I don't really consider my church the place I worship on Sunday mornings. Sure that is my church too. But I think of my church as my community. They are the people I pray with and play with. They are the people I eat with and cry with. They challenge me to grow to serve God more. They challenge me to receive grace more. They challenge me to not be greedy with my money or my stuff. They challenge me to live like Jesus. I wonder if we fit the above definition. We don't have a leader. We support each other somewhat, but usually not financially. We care about one another more than we care for each other. We have never reproduced. I'm not sure I have ever been in a church that can fulfill this definition.
Perhaps I am the closest now though. We are defined by our community. We live and love side by side; hand in hand. We encourage one another and pray for one another. We break bread together; we serve God together.
The conference finished with looking at examples of victorious faith. My faith is so far from victorious. He continued to share the challenge of the persecuted: "Don't give up in freedom what we would never give up in persecution." What a challenge. How convicting. How disappointing. I desire to experience victorious faith. I want to look more like Christ.
I went to Best Buy to buy a new CD today. They didn't have it. I don't know the title I just knew I wanted the Coldplay CD I learned in Africa. Every time I hear a song from that CD I think of driving down the streets of Africa. I miss that place. I want to hear the reminder more often.
Monday, February 23, 2004
Sunday, February 15, 2004
Monster
I love the movies. Last night Mark, Megan, and I went to see "Monster." Holy Cow what a movie! It was extremely intense. There were some scenes and some language that I would definitely warn people of before I could recommend it. But I definitely recommend it. I love when a movie makes it possible for you to hurt for the "bad guy."
Charlize Theron (who is hot, by the way; but not in the movie) plays a hooker who begins to kill her clients and falls in love on the way. It was amazing. Mark and I talked about it lots last night. There are some amazing challenges for the church in the movie. Christians are shown in a bad light in the movie. The sad thing is I wish the portrayal was incorrect. But it was so dead on the majority of upper middle-class,white, "Christian," America.
The mother of the house got on to the young girl who was staying with them because she brought a street person into the house. "We don't need to be around those kinds of people," she said. Oh don't we though?! We as the body of Christ need to immerse ourselves in the people of the world. We need to be a passionate part of the world that we live in. Christ in us is powerful enough to change the world if we will participate in it.
Great movie!!
Go see it and let me know what you think.
Charlize Theron (who is hot, by the way; but not in the movie) plays a hooker who begins to kill her clients and falls in love on the way. It was amazing. Mark and I talked about it lots last night. There are some amazing challenges for the church in the movie. Christians are shown in a bad light in the movie. The sad thing is I wish the portrayal was incorrect. But it was so dead on the majority of upper middle-class,white, "Christian," America.
The mother of the house got on to the young girl who was staying with them because she brought a street person into the house. "We don't need to be around those kinds of people," she said. Oh don't we though?! We as the body of Christ need to immerse ourselves in the people of the world. We need to be a passionate part of the world that we live in. Christ in us is powerful enough to change the world if we will participate in it.
Great movie!!
Go see it and let me know what you think.
Saturday, February 14, 2004
Jason's table...
I am sitting at Jason's table in Starbuck's. I hate my computer because not all of the keys work and I only get about 7 minutes of battery time.
I am writing a sermon. I am going to speak tonight at a True Love Waits, Disciple Now. I am a little nervous about it. I have not had the purity I would hope for in most of my relationships. Several months ago I started thinking about this and what the problem had been. I led another D'Now like this a few months ago. At that point I began to think about what it was that I did not get told. What should they have told me that would have helped, because whatever I got did not do the trick?
The story that kept popping in my mind preparing this weekend was the story of Peter walking on water. I knew that the reason I liked it was because for Peter to stay on top of the water he had to have his eyes on Jesus. I realized that I cannot and the teens cannot fight sin alone. We need Jesus!
But last night I read a chapter of a book that made it even clearer. John Ortberg wrote, If You Want to Walk on Water You've to Get out of the Boat. I read some of the section on "focus." I knew Jason had used that word when he and I talked about this sermon at Lolita's, but I did not think of it quite the way the book put it.
When Peter focused on Jesus he could stay on top of the water. When he began to focus on walking on water, he sank. It is the same with us and sin. My focus does not need to be defeating the sin. Rather, it needs to be about pleasing God. If I can change my focus from one trying to be pure as in don't sin, to trying to be pure as in live for Christ perhaps I too can see miracles happen.
As I type this the difference seems so subtle. But in reality it is huge. It is the difference between saying "I can do it" or "he can do it." I can't he can!!
I am writing a sermon. I am going to speak tonight at a True Love Waits, Disciple Now. I am a little nervous about it. I have not had the purity I would hope for in most of my relationships. Several months ago I started thinking about this and what the problem had been. I led another D'Now like this a few months ago. At that point I began to think about what it was that I did not get told. What should they have told me that would have helped, because whatever I got did not do the trick?
The story that kept popping in my mind preparing this weekend was the story of Peter walking on water. I knew that the reason I liked it was because for Peter to stay on top of the water he had to have his eyes on Jesus. I realized that I cannot and the teens cannot fight sin alone. We need Jesus!
But last night I read a chapter of a book that made it even clearer. John Ortberg wrote, If You Want to Walk on Water You've to Get out of the Boat. I read some of the section on "focus." I knew Jason had used that word when he and I talked about this sermon at Lolita's, but I did not think of it quite the way the book put it.
When Peter focused on Jesus he could stay on top of the water. When he began to focus on walking on water, he sank. It is the same with us and sin. My focus does not need to be defeating the sin. Rather, it needs to be about pleasing God. If I can change my focus from one trying to be pure as in don't sin, to trying to be pure as in live for Christ perhaps I too can see miracles happen.
As I type this the difference seems so subtle. But in reality it is huge. It is the difference between saying "I can do it" or "he can do it." I can't he can!!
Lorica
I arise today through God's strength to pilot me:
God's might to uphold me,
God's wisdom to guide me,
God's eye to look before me,
God's ear to hear me,
God's word to speak for me,
God's hand to gaurd me.
Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me,
Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ on my right, Christ on my left,
Christ when I lie down, Christ when I sit down, Christ when I arise.
Christ in the heart of every one who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of every one who speaks to me,
Christ in every eye that sees me,
Christ in every ear that hears me.
I arise today
Through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity.
-- St. Patrick
God's might to uphold me,
God's wisdom to guide me,
God's eye to look before me,
God's ear to hear me,
God's word to speak for me,
God's hand to gaurd me.
Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me,
Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ on my right, Christ on my left,
Christ when I lie down, Christ when I sit down, Christ when I arise.
Christ in the heart of every one who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of every one who speaks to me,
Christ in every eye that sees me,
Christ in every ear that hears me.
I arise today
Through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity.
-- St. Patrick
Norah
FYI - The new Norah Jones, feels like home is wonderful. I went to Best Buy just to browse as I do about once a week. While there I remembered her CD had come out. It was on sale so I bought it. Great buy!! It sounds a lot different than the last one. More diverse; less mellow.
Friday, February 13, 2004
Time Away
Recently, a friend and I decided we were going to not hang out for a while. We decided the best thing for our friendship would be if we spent some time apart and then came back to it later. This isn't easy. I miss my friend.
I recognize that this is the wisest decision and what must happen if our friendship will ever span the difficulties of time. Long term - this is the only way to maintain the relationship. But I hate thinking in the long term when the short term seems so much clearer and easier.
I always tend to like the easy way out.
I recognize that this is the wisest decision and what must happen if our friendship will ever span the difficulties of time. Long term - this is the only way to maintain the relationship. But I hate thinking in the long term when the short term seems so much clearer and easier.
I always tend to like the easy way out.
"The Good Ole Days" or Were They?
I got a phone call from a high school friend last night. She is actually an exgirlfriend too. I talk to her about once every several months. She calls or emails and we can never get a hold of one another. Then we finally catch each other and have a long conversation about nothing. Usually it ends up back on the conversation of high school.
It is interesting that I really have no continued relationship from high school. I see a few people when I go home but very few. College is not really much different. But my life at Truett looks a lot different. I feel like I have made my life about the community that I am in. In high school and college I knew a lot of people maybe even had a lot of friends. But my primary relationships were with girlfriends.
Since being here I have stepped out of that world a bit and it has allowed me the chance to build some solid friendships that I hope to carry with me for life.
I always love talking about my high school days. It reminds me how much of an idiot I was and encourages me to at least do new idiotic things rather than the same ones I have always done.
Last night my friend asked me if I regretted anything from college. At first I said no and then I changed my mind. I told her I probably should have never dated some of the people I did, never made out with others I did not even date, and I would have been braver. I really would have gone skinny dippin' at camp when we talked about it. I really would have kissed that hostess in Louisville (long story). I would have played more, worried less, and loved harder.
Sometimes I let my life here drift back to the old days. I let worrying push out my play. My life becomes miserable when I live life that way again.
I've lost all of my friends from high school. Most of them I ran off by dating their friends or making out with a friend and never telling anyone (they found out most of them later any way). Others I have lost by just not putting forth any effort to stay in touch. The sad part is I don't really regret those losses. If I had spent all of my time after college maintaining those relationships from the past I would never have built the ones I have today.
I will take today's and forget about the past.
PS - I never actually go back and reread these things. I am sensing after finishing this entry that I sound like a real jerk. I guess there are some things you just can’t hide.
It is interesting that I really have no continued relationship from high school. I see a few people when I go home but very few. College is not really much different. But my life at Truett looks a lot different. I feel like I have made my life about the community that I am in. In high school and college I knew a lot of people maybe even had a lot of friends. But my primary relationships were with girlfriends.
Since being here I have stepped out of that world a bit and it has allowed me the chance to build some solid friendships that I hope to carry with me for life.
I always love talking about my high school days. It reminds me how much of an idiot I was and encourages me to at least do new idiotic things rather than the same ones I have always done.
Last night my friend asked me if I regretted anything from college. At first I said no and then I changed my mind. I told her I probably should have never dated some of the people I did, never made out with others I did not even date, and I would have been braver. I really would have gone skinny dippin' at camp when we talked about it. I really would have kissed that hostess in Louisville (long story). I would have played more, worried less, and loved harder.
Sometimes I let my life here drift back to the old days. I let worrying push out my play. My life becomes miserable when I live life that way again.
I've lost all of my friends from high school. Most of them I ran off by dating their friends or making out with a friend and never telling anyone (they found out most of them later any way). Others I have lost by just not putting forth any effort to stay in touch. The sad part is I don't really regret those losses. If I had spent all of my time after college maintaining those relationships from the past I would never have built the ones I have today.
I will take today's and forget about the past.
PS - I never actually go back and reread these things. I am sensing after finishing this entry that I sound like a real jerk. I guess there are some things you just can’t hide.
Wednesday, February 11, 2004
Glimpses of Grace
I wanted to share some readings from Madeleine L'Engle.
The Qualifications for God's Work
Slowly I have realized that I do not have to be qualified to do what I am asked to do, that I just have to go ahead and do it, even if I can't do it as well as I think it ought to be done. This is one of the most liberating lessons of my life.
The qualifications needed for God's work are very different from those of the world. In fact, when we begin to think we are qualified, we have already fallen for the tempter's wiles. Not one of us has to be qualified in order to employ lesson, meditation, and orison; to read, think, and pray over Scripture. We do not need to have gone to a theological seminary, or to have taken courses in Bible in or out of college. We do have to be willing to open ourselves to the power of the living Word. And sometimes that can be frightening.
Wounded Healers
Would I really be able to worship a God who was simply implacable power, and who was invulnerable? If I am hurt, I don't turn for strength and help to someone who has never been hurt, but to someone who has, and who can therefore understand a little of what I am going through. The people I know who are the most invulnerable also tend to show the least compassion.
The kind of person I turn to is someone who has been strong enough to face pain when it comes - and it does come. Someone who faces it, endures it, and tries as hard as possible to go through it and come out on the other side. Someone whose urge for health is strong enough to hold on to wholeness even in the midst of suffering. And someone who manages to retain a sense of humour, who has the gift of laughter.
As these are qualities I look for in another human being when I am in need of healing, so these are the qualities I look for in God.
The Qualifications for God's Work
Slowly I have realized that I do not have to be qualified to do what I am asked to do, that I just have to go ahead and do it, even if I can't do it as well as I think it ought to be done. This is one of the most liberating lessons of my life.
The qualifications needed for God's work are very different from those of the world. In fact, when we begin to think we are qualified, we have already fallen for the tempter's wiles. Not one of us has to be qualified in order to employ lesson, meditation, and orison; to read, think, and pray over Scripture. We do not need to have gone to a theological seminary, or to have taken courses in Bible in or out of college. We do have to be willing to open ourselves to the power of the living Word. And sometimes that can be frightening.
Wounded Healers
Would I really be able to worship a God who was simply implacable power, and who was invulnerable? If I am hurt, I don't turn for strength and help to someone who has never been hurt, but to someone who has, and who can therefore understand a little of what I am going through. The people I know who are the most invulnerable also tend to show the least compassion.
The kind of person I turn to is someone who has been strong enough to face pain when it comes - and it does come. Someone who faces it, endures it, and tries as hard as possible to go through it and come out on the other side. Someone whose urge for health is strong enough to hold on to wholeness even in the midst of suffering. And someone who manages to retain a sense of humour, who has the gift of laughter.
As these are qualities I look for in another human being when I am in need of healing, so these are the qualities I look for in God.
Saturday, February 07, 2004
emotions
I've been spending time thinking about emotions lately. I am not very emotional when it comes to real life. For some reason I have created this idea that when it comes to real life my job is to be strong and rational.
It's strange that I work this way because I am one of the first to get emotional in movies. I cry in about every movie I see – and I love it. Tonight I watched about 10 minutes of "Joan of Arcadia." I started crying at the end. I don't know why, I don't even really know what the show is about.
I have been talking about this some in counseling. We are trying to figure out what is up with my emotions. How are they out of whack? How are they undiscovered or immature? Not sure yet.
Emotion has really amazed me when I don’t know what it is about. A couple movies have caused this type of emotion. When I saw The Hours I got emotional but I didn’t know what the emotion meant or how to explain it. When I saw The Butterfly Effect the same thing happened. I like to understand my emotions. I like to know the answers.
I hope to continue to discover what emotion means and why it comes out. What am I supposed to do with it? I usually look at it as a problem to take care of. I have to transition to see it a part of life I am supposed to experience.
It's strange that I work this way because I am one of the first to get emotional in movies. I cry in about every movie I see – and I love it. Tonight I watched about 10 minutes of "Joan of Arcadia." I started crying at the end. I don't know why, I don't even really know what the show is about.
I have been talking about this some in counseling. We are trying to figure out what is up with my emotions. How are they out of whack? How are they undiscovered or immature? Not sure yet.
Emotion has really amazed me when I don’t know what it is about. A couple movies have caused this type of emotion. When I saw The Hours I got emotional but I didn’t know what the emotion meant or how to explain it. When I saw The Butterfly Effect the same thing happened. I like to understand my emotions. I like to know the answers.
I hope to continue to discover what emotion means and why it comes out. What am I supposed to do with it? I usually look at it as a problem to take care of. I have to transition to see it a part of life I am supposed to experience.
Friday, February 06, 2004
Week From Hell
What a Week
I really wanted to just call it all quits. I was so tired of running like a chicken with my head cut off for about 16 hours a day. Finally today I got to the end of the woods...well at least these woods. I'm sure they will start again next week.
The Girl
We talked tonight. I have been praying for her all week and thinking about what had happened. FYI - I called her last week twice. Didn't bother putting this on here. I was intentionally keeping it on the DL. Kinda strange phone calls. They were fun jawkwardward. Not gonna go into it. So all week I have been thinking and talking to people about this reality that we don't even know each other.
I decided I wasn't really interested in a "girlfriend" (I hate that word!) right now. But after some personal thought and persuasion from some peers I decided I could not let the chance to be this girl's friend slip away.
So tonight - we chatted for a while then I told her what I was thinking. I am tired of being nervous when I call her. I don't want to pursue her; I just want a chance to be her friend. Then I told her I wasn't sure how she should respond I just knew I needed to say it. She agreed; she doesn't want a relationship but she is willing to pursue being friends.
I am so happy. She could be an incredible friend and prayer warrior. She is so much fun. Now comes the tough part. How do you become friends with a stranger of the opposite sex and keep it from in any shape form or fashion looking like a date or something that could lead that way? You can't really just hang out one on one. I feel bad inviting her to hang out with my friends she doesn't know. But it would be weird to go hang out with all of hers too. I'm not sure yet the sacrifices that have to be made to build a new friendship that will take work.
We decided to think about it over the weekend. I promised I would pray for her as she did a Disciple Now this weekend. Then I asked her permission to call back Sunday or Monday and we would talk again.
Africa
Got an email. They need some clarification. Got a phone call from James. He walked me through their needs and is ready for me to get there. Looks like September or so is a go. I can't wait to get over there.
I'm tired of writing I quit. Gotta watch Ed and the West Wing. Tomorrow night is probably the last Ed ever. That sux!!
I really wanted to just call it all quits. I was so tired of running like a chicken with my head cut off for about 16 hours a day. Finally today I got to the end of the woods...well at least these woods. I'm sure they will start again next week.
The Girl
We talked tonight. I have been praying for her all week and thinking about what had happened. FYI - I called her last week twice. Didn't bother putting this on here. I was intentionally keeping it on the DL. Kinda strange phone calls. They were fun jawkwardward. Not gonna go into it. So all week I have been thinking and talking to people about this reality that we don't even know each other.
I decided I wasn't really interested in a "girlfriend" (I hate that word!) right now. But after some personal thought and persuasion from some peers I decided I could not let the chance to be this girl's friend slip away.
So tonight - we chatted for a while then I told her what I was thinking. I am tired of being nervous when I call her. I don't want to pursue her; I just want a chance to be her friend. Then I told her I wasn't sure how she should respond I just knew I needed to say it. She agreed; she doesn't want a relationship but she is willing to pursue being friends.
I am so happy. She could be an incredible friend and prayer warrior. She is so much fun. Now comes the tough part. How do you become friends with a stranger of the opposite sex and keep it from in any shape form or fashion looking like a date or something that could lead that way? You can't really just hang out one on one. I feel bad inviting her to hang out with my friends she doesn't know. But it would be weird to go hang out with all of hers too. I'm not sure yet the sacrifices that have to be made to build a new friendship that will take work.
We decided to think about it over the weekend. I promised I would pray for her as she did a Disciple Now this weekend. Then I asked her permission to call back Sunday or Monday and we would talk again.
Africa
Got an email. They need some clarification. Got a phone call from James. He walked me through their needs and is ready for me to get there. Looks like September or so is a go. I can't wait to get over there.
I'm tired of writing I quit. Gotta watch Ed and the West Wing. Tomorrow night is probably the last Ed ever. That sux!!
Tuesday, February 03, 2004
Where Does Time Go?
How do I find the time to do all that I want to do in life? I want to finish strong in school. I want to spend time with friends. I want to build new relationships. I want to be a phenomenal chaplain. I want to spend time with my guys and my girls. I want to watch TV. I want to read lots of books. I want to sit in cafes and talk to strangers and drink coffee. I want to spend a day praying. I want to go to Houston. I want to plan a mission trip. I want to get to Africa…soon. I want to be involved in my church. I want to exercise.
Where does it end? Is it supposed to end? The only way I can figure to manage enough time to do it all is to get less sleep. Is that safe; is it healthy? Is the problem that I want to much? Is the problem poor time management? Am I wasting my life away?
How do I know where to go, what to do, and how to get there? How do I pursue Christ in all that I commit to?
Where does it end? Is it supposed to end? The only way I can figure to manage enough time to do it all is to get less sleep. Is that safe; is it healthy? Is the problem that I want to much? Is the problem poor time management? Am I wasting my life away?
How do I know where to go, what to do, and how to get there? How do I pursue Christ in all that I commit to?
Monday, February 02, 2004
Disruptions
My journaling ended so abruptly yesterday. I was interrupted in the middle of it by a strange man at Common Grounds. I didn’t know him from Adam and honestly I kept hoping he was going to eventually ask me for money and let me get back to work. He never asked for money.
Instead he sat and talked to me for two hours. He claims God speaks to him audibly and frequently. I’m okay with this idea, but then he went farther. He told me about his angel friend he hangs out with. He is 7 foot tall, 4 foot wide, and has long blond curly hair. The angel Michael also hangs out with him pretty frequently – supposedly because he has such an interesting life.
He believed himself a prophet and shared with me what God had to say about my life. Apparently God is thus far pleased with me. He also is calling me to be a full time missionary and I will be leaving for the field within three months. Of course this isn’t very possible considering it would require me quitting school and chaplain work about a month before finishing. He went back to God at which point God told him I would actually finish school early somehow.
I didn’t argue or ask many questions because honestly I just wanted to be left alone. Today I was reading Blue Like Jazz. In it there is a story of a young lady coming to Christ. Her friend Naomi was a valuable tool to that position because she “talked about God as if she had talked to him on the phone that day.”
I was a little weirded out by my CG friend, but I was insanely jealous of the girl in the book. I desire to know God that way. I recognize the problem isn’t God but me. I must be willing to listen to God and sacrifice my own desires to sit in his presence.
I feel bad about the guy in CG. I barely listened and sure didn’t enjoy the conversation. In know way did I show him the love of Christ in my life. Was God giving me an opportunity to prove my willingness to lay down my own tasks and listen to the heart of another? I hope not, because I failed…miserably.
I recognize I have been trying to answer all of my own questions for my life. I want to “decide” the best time to go to Africa. I want to plan out the stuff with the girl. When will I have enough faith to take these things to God?
I unfortunately believe the mistake my pastor is making. He is talking about rebooting out life to connect with God. The problem with the illustration is you only begin to fix computers when something is broken. I can’t wait until my life falls apart to give it to God. I have to recognize the brokenness that currently exists and give my life to God now.
I’m done writing, I have actually said nothing, and I feel better. That’s kinda weird.
Instead he sat and talked to me for two hours. He claims God speaks to him audibly and frequently. I’m okay with this idea, but then he went farther. He told me about his angel friend he hangs out with. He is 7 foot tall, 4 foot wide, and has long blond curly hair. The angel Michael also hangs out with him pretty frequently – supposedly because he has such an interesting life.
He believed himself a prophet and shared with me what God had to say about my life. Apparently God is thus far pleased with me. He also is calling me to be a full time missionary and I will be leaving for the field within three months. Of course this isn’t very possible considering it would require me quitting school and chaplain work about a month before finishing. He went back to God at which point God told him I would actually finish school early somehow.
I didn’t argue or ask many questions because honestly I just wanted to be left alone. Today I was reading Blue Like Jazz. In it there is a story of a young lady coming to Christ. Her friend Naomi was a valuable tool to that position because she “talked about God as if she had talked to him on the phone that day.”
I was a little weirded out by my CG friend, but I was insanely jealous of the girl in the book. I desire to know God that way. I recognize the problem isn’t God but me. I must be willing to listen to God and sacrifice my own desires to sit in his presence.
I feel bad about the guy in CG. I barely listened and sure didn’t enjoy the conversation. In know way did I show him the love of Christ in my life. Was God giving me an opportunity to prove my willingness to lay down my own tasks and listen to the heart of another? I hope not, because I failed…miserably.
I recognize I have been trying to answer all of my own questions for my life. I want to “decide” the best time to go to Africa. I want to plan out the stuff with the girl. When will I have enough faith to take these things to God?
I unfortunately believe the mistake my pastor is making. He is talking about rebooting out life to connect with God. The problem with the illustration is you only begin to fix computers when something is broken. I can’t wait until my life falls apart to give it to God. I have to recognize the brokenness that currently exists and give my life to God now.
I’m done writing, I have actually said nothing, and I feel better. That’s kinda weird.
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