Realizing...

I stopped praying.  Not sure when it happened.  I didn’t even realize it had happened until last week.  For some reason I started thinking about prayer and I realized it had been a while.  I was thinking about the future: thinking about jobs, and where I might live, and who I might live with.  I realized I stopped asking for God to direct that.  I want to follow God; I guess it would be important to interact with God in order to receive some of his wisdom.

Spent a few hours talking to an old friend the other day.  Our expectations had put us both in a strange place regarding our relationship.  Finally we moved past some of those things and were able to be friends again.  The chats that finally came where important.  I needed them.  I’d missed my friend.  

Through them I realized something I think I already knew.  The hardest part of being back in the States has been that I’m lonely.  She challenged me to enjoy where I am and be blessed by the time that I have to relax and grow and learn and experience life.  The tough part is I don’t want to do it alone.  I don’t want to sit on the porch and watch the water and read.  I want to get a cup of coffee with someone I love.  I miss friends.  I miss community.  

I realize every sporadic post I write these days is about the same thing.  I’m having a hard time moving out of this rut.  I don’t enjoy writing these days.  I’m not sure what I enjoy right now.  I’m just hanging out.  I cherish the times with my brother and the times I get to spend with friends.

Calling...

Been thinking about “calling” the last few days.  In high school I knew without a shadow of a doubt I had been called to spend my life working in some type of ministry position.  Now over the years my understanding of what that meant has changed.  

In 2003 I was sitting in a movie with Christy and Jason.  Suddenly I knew I was called to go back to Africa.  I didn’t have the same kind of call with schools at either Truett or Georgetown.  I just knew something fit and God blessed those decisions.  So when are you called to something and when does God bless a choice?

For example: I feel like someone is called to live their life overseas.  I feel like that call is important perhaps crucial.  But what about in a relationship?  Is someone called to be a part of it or does he/she choose to pursue it and God may or may not bless it?

I was told when I was younger and actually still today not to ever marry someone who’s “call” doesn’t line up with mine.  But what does this mean.  Come on over the last 20 years I’ve changed my mind many times on what I might do with my life.  My call to ministry seems pretty open in regards to the particular kind of ministry.  I’m called to ministry but I suck at youth ministry so I’m not gonna do that.  

Hypothetically, let’s say I meet a girl.  Let’s say I really like the girl.  Let’s say she feels called to live overseas and I don’t.  Does that mean get out?  I’ve always though so and then a friend made me think a bit differently.  Is it possible that the call to be together overshadows the vocational call?  Which carries more weight?  Which is more important?  Does one have to come before the other?

Is it possible that I meet a girl, I like the girl, I date the girl, I even marry the girl and we still don’t know what we’ll do for life vocationally?  Maybe we just know that God has placed us together and we want to serve him together whatever way we can.  All this is crazy.

Where do thoughts of God choosing one woman/man and reformed theology come into the debate?  I don’t like reformed theology much, but I realized last week dating is a lot easier with it.  Breaking up doesn’t hurt so bad if God has it all worked out…she just wasn’t “the one.”  There is always hope he’ll bring the guy/girl along and the next one will be the one.  

But, breaking up does hurt.  And love isn’t easy.  And I don’t know any more about God and dating at the age of 28 then I knew at the age of 8.

Homecoming Community...

The last week has begun.  A group of us gather together here once a week.  We meet together in a home.  We break bread together, we sing praises together, we enjoy each others presence, we pray together, we discuss scripture together.  Last night was my last.  It will be tough to transition to a different model in the States.  I grew up in the traditional western church model.  It is responsible for my roots.  It is responsible for helping me get where I am today.  But it will be hard to go back to it.  

When I read Acts, I see the church of Jesus’ followers.  They met in homes.  They shared meals.  They shared life.  They worshipped together and played together.  They laughed and cried together.  They lived the life of Christ together.  Seems we’ve lost some of that in the west.  It makes me sad that those who don’t follow the master seem to understand his ideas of community better than those of us who do follow him.

I watch shows like “Friends.”  Sure, there is evidence of a life motivated by something other than Christ.  But they loved one another the way Christians are called to love people.  I’ve become a big fan of the movie version of the musical “Rent.”  A Christian magazine I like slammed it.  They felt it “promoted homosexuality.”  In my opinion it didn’t.  It showed it as a real thing that happens in our world.  I’d like to see believers come to a place of knowing how to love the gay community the way Christ would.  There is a scene in the movie at a cemetery.  It touches me.  I watch how this group lives family.  They love one another, through thick and thin.  They hurt when they have to be away from one another.  They rejoice at chances to be together.

As the States move closer and closer to my reality I long to find community like this.  I had it once.  I still have those guys; we just live in different places now.  Two are in Thailand, two are in Baltimore, two are in Tennessee, and who knows where I’ll be (or when I’ll find the other half of my pair!).  I enter the States differently than ever before.  I won’t be with my best friends.  I won’t be with my parents.  My sister is gone.  I enter a changed person.  Those most responsible for participating in my changing won’t be around me.  It will be a stretch.  I’ll have to learn again how to live life.  But it is all part of the journey.  And oh how I love the journey.

Hurting...

Heartbroken…

I lost something important to me; not sure how to cope without it right now.

Leaving a place I love in about 2½ weeks.  That one is pretty tough too.

Not sure what life looks like without all the people I live around right now.

Feel like I’m living in a state of depression today.  Hoping it will pass soon.

Who's Out There?

My counter tells me where people are looking at my blogs from.  I know some of you, but many I can’t figure out.  Who are Collegeville, Pennsylvania and Elizabeth, New Jersey?

I’m really not sure why some of you keep coming by this blog.  I haven’t written here in ages.  I keep thinking I will get back to it, but then drop the ball.  I’m working one up in response to a comment I got elsewhere.