Stuff I'm Reading...

Closing sentence in an essay: "If we don't pray according to the needs of the heart, we repress our deepest longings. Our prayers may not be rational, and we may be quite aware of that, but if we repress our needs, then those unsaid prayers will fester." - Madeleine L'Engle in Glimpses of Grace

Opening sentence in an essay: "An agnostic is somebody who doesn't know for sure whether there really is a God. That is some people all of the time and all people some of the time." Frederick Buechner in Beyond Words

Truth in a Movie...

I'm sitting in the living room watching a movie I've seen more times than I can count. It isn't even a very good movie, but it is fun and I knew I wouldn't have to pay much attention and could work at the same time.

I'm watching Pure Country. George isn't much of an actor. But it is a fun story of trying to find one's roots. I'm not really writing about the movie because I'm a fan; rather I was impressed by something Grandma Ivy said.

I've had a few conversations lately about asking questions. I notice that as many of us move into a place of seeking and asking questions we have one goal in mind...answers. I was so blessed to go to a school and be surrounded by friends who forced me to ask questions.

Now I'm still not sure I'm much of question asker, but I keep trying. However, over time I've learned one thing. I've learned that asking questions isn't always about finding answers; often the question is more important than the answer.

Earl was asking Grandma Ivy where Wyatt was and she gave him some long answer about a tree growing too fast and something about its roots. Earl had no idea what she was saying and told her he had never heard her answer a question directly. She merely smiled and said, "There are no answers, only the search."

Now she wasn't intending to claim any spiritual truths, but I wonder if she is right. I wonder if Jesus is more interested in our search, our journey, than he is us discovering answers. I guess one day we'll learn, for now I'll just keep searching.

I'm excited that I have a new friend in the search. Two guys helped change my life. Mark and Jason were a big part in me becoming who I am today. Now some might not compliment them on that but I sure do. I'm not yet where I desire to be or where I think I'm created to be. But I give a lot of credit to those two for where I am on the journey. Their faithfulness in our accountability has done wonders for me.

Last week I started to meet with a new guy. Now we are meeting together to live the journey. We are trying to hold one another accountable and ask tough questions about one another's walk; about faith; about life. Together we search. One other thing I think I've learned is that the search is supposed to happen in community. Thankfully I've found some.

Lost and...Finding?

[Listening to: Love Is A Battlefield - Pat Benatar - 13 Going On 30 Soundtrack]

I hate to lose things. When I was in high school I remember losing my wallet twice. The first time was in Kansas City if I remember right. I didn't realize I had lost it until we had long since left the scene. I was on a church trip and we were staying overnight at the hotel. For dinner several of us cruised across the parking lot for some McDonald's. (Man I could go for a good American burger right now!) Somewhere on the journey back to the hotel from McDonald's my wallet disappeared. Now I was young so there wasn't much in it in the first place. I think I had some cash and some trading cards and some tracts (wow).

I was pretty tight with money, so it broke my heart to find out I had lost that cash. I was sick about losing it. Once I got home I contacted the police station just to see if anything was turned in. Come to find out it had been, the very night I lost it. They sent it to me with the address and phone number of the finder. Every dime was accounted for. I called and had a great talk with the couple that found and returned it.

Another time I was on a school choir trip to Louisville. While there we went out to a restaurant to eat. We befriended the hostess there, which came to my benefit and demise later. After we returned from the restaurant to the hotel, I realized my wallet was gone. This time there was a bit more to lose inside...drivers license, more money, etc. I called to see if I had left it at the restaurant, hoping that if I had I could convince the director to take me back on the bus (wasn't likely). Thankfully my hostess friend walked by as the phone call was happening. She volunteered to deliver it to me.

The demise came with her bringing a bathing suit and spending a large portion of the night hanging out with a bunch of us at the pool. Somehow my girlfriend at the time's sister decided I caused the whole event intentionally. And the girlfriend believed her. I tried to tell both of them there are safer ways to pick up chicks, but it didn't get me off the hook. So after I lost the wallet I lost the girl.

When I was in college I dated a girl for nearly a year and a half. She was older than I was and lived about 45 minutes from college. But we were crazy about one another and spent a lot of time together. Along the way we began to talk about and make plans for marriage. I remember that we had assumed we would marry right around my December graduation and move to Texas for me to continue schooling. Around August or September I began to become convinced the relationship needed to come to a close. I didn't quite understand the tug and hesitated for a month or more.

Eventually I broke off the relationship. It was painful, very painful. It crushed her, and I don't think she ever realized how it crushed me. I was losing the girl I loved, my best friend, a friend at all. I was leaving plans and dreams I thought were set for something unknown. For nine months I mourned her loss. I did so sometimes with other girlfriends and sometimes just through hurting. It literally took nine months for me to believe I had made a right decision. Sometimes I still miss her. Sometimes I miss her bad, yet I stand convinced it was over.

Today I feel like I have lost something that I really need to find. I feel like I've lost God. I'll admit Ive never been real good at this whole "quite time" thing. I tend to grow and nurture my relationship with God in community with other believers. However I don't have that community right now. Somewhere along the way I just stopped reading scripture. I stopped praying. I stopped being able to worship when we meet together to do so. I stopped having compassion towards others. I started being resentful and grudge bearing. I'm not sure I like me much right now.

I lost God somewhere and I need him back. I'm not sure where to find him. I'm not sure where to look to find the God that is too big to hide under rocks or behind trees; the God that is too loving to hide from me at all; the God that desires to be found even more than I desire to find him. How do I find God when I know he is right here? How do I honor a commitment I made long ago to forever seek after him?

I lost something and this time I don't think the "lost and found" box in the principal's office holds the treasure. I lost God and I miss him.

[Listening to: Deliver Me - David Crowder Band - Illuminate]

Jazz and Candlelight or People and Parties?

[Listening to: The Night We Called it a Day - Diana Krall - The Look of Love (5:42)]

All of my life the Myers Briggs test has told me I am an extrovert. In the last few years that began to change. I am not sure if that is common or not. Is it supposed to happen? I began to drift towards the introvert side. I am still an extrovert but with many more introvert tendencies than I once held.

How can I be an E and sometimes dislike people so very much?

My relationship with God has always required some form of community. Im not a good quiet time person. Im not good at being quite for that long. I grow with Christ when in community with others who help me strive to look more like him. I slip when I began to move away from community. In the same way as I drift from God my relationships with other people slip.

Today I am either caught in this reality or Ive become incredibly selfish. I think somewhere along the way people became work. I could handle them when it was work but on personal time I wanted to pick and choose who I would and wouldnt spend time with. That is so selfish; so not like Christ. How can I justify this rude behavior?

I am still a bit frustrated but much closer to peace. Im sitting in my living room. Only one roommate is here and he is in the back reading. I am sitting in the dark with only the flicker of a small candle. My JBL portable speakers sit on the coffee table. I put my iPod on the playlist I recently created when I want some good peaceful music. It is almost all jazz. Currently Norah is singing away.

I want to like people, but sometimes I want to be so far from them. What has happened to turn me into this type of person? Is it a slip in where I should be? Is it this place? Is it the people I am in the midst of? How can I begin to become less focused on them and more on the redemption needed inside me? How do I move my focus towards the God who loves me...and them?

Back to Diana Krall. So glad I was ever introduced to her music.

Hotel Church...

This morning in the shower I was thinking about marrying a friend of mine. Now I'm not actually going to marry this friend, I was just thinking about it because another friend thinks we should end up together. Now this isn't really what the story is about it just leads to the important part.

This friend I was thinking about marrying has considered spending some time in San Francisco. Now this is one thing that might interest both of us. I started thinking about what it would like to see church start there. (I didn''t leave out an article.)

Tangent: Speaking of church Im watching this movie I like. It is called Keeping the Faith. It isn't the best movie ever but they do some great things in recreating church. It is pretty cool.

I wonder if it would be possible to see church done in a hotel. The reason I was thinking about it is I started by thinking about partnering overseas. My dream is to see 5 or 10 or 20 churches in the states partnered with the work that will still be happening in the country I live in now. I would love it if the churches in the states had a yearly conference together in the states to pray and create strategy to work together.

So as I was thinking about this conference I was thinking about how great it would be to have a place for people to come and stay. Then it went on from there. I thought how cool would it be if the church lived there together. Then I thought how cool would it be if it was a business that allowed people to stay there. It would help with money and it would allow people to see what is happening. It would also be a place we could offer to help those in need. People could come in and stay and pay for their room by providing work for the facility.

I'm sure there would be difficulties but it would really do some cool things towards looking like the church. The church would be community. They would spend time together daily. They would share things and meet together in homes. There would be assistance if the people are low income or students, etc. who make little.

So this is all kind of random, but I just thought I would share what was going on in my mind. Let me remind you, I'm not gonna marry the friend.

Help Wanted...

I have begun to become frustrated with something. I think the problem is my own, but I'm not sure. Around many of my coworkers I continually hear the Bible refer to simply as "The Word." I've used the same descriptor. My problem is with giving the Bible more authority and/or power than it claims to have itself. I had never heard of the concept of Bibolitry (spelling?) until I was a senior in college. Now it scares me.

I have great faith in scripture. I believe it to have power and be from God. I believe God was brave enough (sometimes I think stupid enough) to used normal people to write the words that would become sacred.

In John 1 we see talk of "the Word" but it sure doesn't appear to be the Bible. Here is my question. Does the Bible ever claim itself to be the word of God or are the references to word of God in the Bible speaking of something quite different.

These types of questions make me miss school. At Truett I could have sat at Common Grounds with the fellas and gained some perspective. I could have asked some questions in class and not been blasted as a heretic. I'm not sure I have that ability anywhere here yet.

I sure would appreciate some feedback. Comment here or send an email.

Other Worlds and Authenticity...

I am sitting at a restaurant called Hamlet's waiting on others to show up and eat. It is just before 7 and night has almost fallen. The moon is a very thin crescent in the sky with the points facing up. The sky is beautiful.

I'm on a short four-legged stool covered with some animals hide. For the last hour I've pondered a few things.

1. While technology has made the world smaller, has it made us more complacent to what is going on elsewhere? We've begun to believe London looks the same as Dallas and China the same as Baltimore. We think Asia and Africa really aren't that different and they all look about the same as the states. I live in a city where cultures collide. The people here believe themselves to be very distinct and unique. They don't even see themselves to be the same as other Africans. Never make the mistake of calling them black; they will quickly clarify...they are chocolate.

My parents are coming to visit me soon. I talked to them recently online. With an instant messenger and a webcam we are able to see and talk to one another as if we were in the next room. Daylight issues throw off the illusion but in all other ways it is just as effective if not more so than my cell phone was in the states which allowed me free long distance.

I try to explain this world to friends and family and I can't find the words to make it come together. It is like explaining the color red to a blind man. I can't explain with clarity how the two worlds collide here. Sadly our culture has infected them. TV shows from the states corrupt them. They see Days of our Lives as a documentary about life in the states. Many of the young ladies have given up customarily appropriate dress for clothing that is very similar to that worn in the states. The style may not match exactly but they are getting down the show as much skin as possible thing. It is sometimes humorous to see how they've bonded their world and mine. And someimes it is sad to see they have lost the beauty of their culture to take on ours.

Our complacency has left us willing to just stay home. We will let others go and do things there. I'll stay home where it is safe and comfortable. It is that different there anyway right? We allow worlds to be devastated by poverty, war, torture, disaster. We stay home and watch it on TV as if it is another Monday night movie (They don't actually show those anymore do they?) I'm not sure what is and isn't our business. I do know that we have a chance to see and help the world as each of us struggle with the difficulties of life. Some struggles aren't that much different. Some are vastly different.

2. I have come to believe that the desire of the church today is authenticity. At the same time we hate honesty and humility which seem to be the keys to authenticity. An example: these blogs have become my rope from home to here. Blogs of those I love and respect allow me to see their life from the other side of the world. Somehow I was directed to the blog of a guy going by the name Real Live Preacher. I was intrigued; he is an interesting guy. In time I have learned he is a pastor in Texas. He is constantly pushing the envelope of a typical pastor. He is honest, real, authentic.

Recently he posted a story. It had some sexual innuendos and comments. It shared embarrassment and fear; it shared truth. He was blasted! He was too honest, too real for many. To be honest, some of the post disturbed me too, it was uncomfortable. Most of the story moved me though it was a different kind of uncomfortable. Derek Webb has a CD out that my friend Cori sent me. He talks too much on it. But he talks about the value of the world discovering our deepest, darkest sin. You know there is truth in his thoughts, but it is dangerous. The church is scared of flaws. I know because so am I. I'm scared of mine and I judge those of others. Acts and the New Testament don't seem to read as if Jesus or the early church had that same fear. They trusted Paul for some strange reason. I wonder what it looks like for us to love all in spite of sin. Is authentic church a real possibility or a farce? I'm not sure.

Just some thoughts.

A New Look...

I wondered if this would inspire me to write on here once in a while. I got a few things in the pot...give me some time to get them together.

What are your thoughts on the new look?