[Listening to: Love Is A Battlefield - Pat Benatar - 13 Going On 30 Soundtrack]
I hate to lose things. When I was in high school I remember losing my wallet twice. The first time was in Kansas City if I remember right. I didn't realize I had lost it until we had long since left the scene. I was on a church trip and we were staying overnight at the hotel. For dinner several of us cruised across the parking lot for some McDonald's. (Man I could go for a good American burger right now!) Somewhere on the journey back to the hotel from McDonald's my wallet disappeared. Now I was young so there wasn't much in it in the first place. I think I had some cash and some trading cards and some tracts (wow).
I was pretty tight with money, so it broke my heart to find out I had lost that cash. I was sick about losing it. Once I got home I contacted the police station just to see if anything was turned in. Come to find out it had been, the very night I lost it. They sent it to me with the address and phone number of the finder. Every dime was accounted for. I called and had a great talk with the couple that found and returned it.
Another time I was on a school choir trip to Louisville. While there we went out to a restaurant to eat. We befriended the hostess there, which came to my benefit and demise later. After we returned from the restaurant to the hotel, I realized my wallet was gone. This time there was a bit more to lose inside...drivers license, more money, etc. I called to see if I had left it at the restaurant, hoping that if I had I could convince the director to take me back on the bus (wasn't likely). Thankfully my hostess friend walked by as the phone call was happening. She volunteered to deliver it to me.
The demise came with her bringing a bathing suit and spending a large portion of the night hanging out with a bunch of us at the pool. Somehow my girlfriend at the time's sister decided I caused the whole event intentionally. And the girlfriend believed her. I tried to tell both of them there are safer ways to pick up chicks, but it didn't get me off the hook. So after I lost the wallet I lost the girl.
When I was in college I dated a girl for nearly a year and a half. She was older than I was and lived about 45 minutes from college. But we were crazy about one another and spent a lot of time together. Along the way we began to talk about and make plans for marriage. I remember that we had assumed we would marry right around my December graduation and move to Texas for me to continue schooling. Around August or September I began to become convinced the relationship needed to come to a close. I didn't quite understand the tug and hesitated for a month or more.
Eventually I broke off the relationship. It was painful, very painful. It crushed her, and I don't think she ever realized how it crushed me. I was losing the girl I loved, my best friend, a friend at all. I was leaving plans and dreams I thought were set for something unknown. For nine months I mourned her loss. I did so sometimes with other girlfriends and sometimes just through hurting. It literally took nine months for me to believe I had made a right decision. Sometimes I still miss her. Sometimes I miss her bad, yet I stand convinced it was over.
Today I feel like I have lost something that I really need to find. I feel like I've lost God. I'll admit Ive never been real good at this whole "quite time" thing. I tend to grow and nurture my relationship with God in community with other believers. However I don't have that community right now. Somewhere along the way I just stopped reading scripture. I stopped praying. I stopped being able to worship when we meet together to do so. I stopped having compassion towards others. I started being resentful and grudge bearing. I'm not sure I like me much right now.
I lost God somewhere and I need him back. I'm not sure where to find him. I'm not sure where to look to find the God that is too big to hide under rocks or behind trees; the God that is too loving to hide from me at all; the God that desires to be found even more than I desire to find him. How do I find God when I know he is right here? How do I honor a commitment I made long ago to forever seek after him?
I lost something and this time I don't think the "lost and found" box in the principal's office holds the treasure. I lost God and I miss him.
[Listening to: Deliver Me - David Crowder Band - Illuminate]
