One of my favorite things in life is also one of my least favorite. I both love and hate to meet incredible people. It is a favorite because of the cool chance that you have to learn and interact with them. It is a least favorite because you often have a great conversation and then know that you are never going to actually see one another again.
One difficulty I still have in figuring out community is where do you draw the lines. I want to be around so many people all the time. How do I include those who “aren’t a part?” (Meaning they don’t know, and/or don’t like the others, etc.) Do I at that point participate in numerous communities? Or do I have one main community and lots of fringe ones? Do I just treasure the one conversation and then let the individual drift into the world of people I once knew?
I believe strongly in community. But I also believe in that community reaching out to others. The two issues I still deal with in the midst of this are how to feel any sense of consistency once the group gets to big and has to “multiply?” Also how do you build the trust with the newbies you have with the veterans?
I got no answers just random thoughts.
Friday, January 30, 2004
Thursday, January 29, 2004
Purging...Finally
Blah
I had to begin this blog by just writing down the topics I wanted to discuss. There is so much that has been rattling around in my brain the last several days and zero time to get it down on paper. It is tough to be so busy and to have no other desire than that life would just slow down.
Community
I am so blessed. I have the opportunity to spend my life in the midst of incredible people. Why has it taken so long for me to recognize the value of the people that have been placed in my life? I have been in Waco for 3½ years and for the most part I have pissed away some of the best relationships I have ever had the opportunity to participate in.
I was in Orlando with my family over Christmas and it hit me how badly I wanted to get home (Waco) to see the people that I loved. It was sparked by a phone call from Jen. She called to get someone to go into her apartment with her since no one was around. I realized at that point the value of other people. I realized that I had wasted so many opportunities to invest in the lives of others and really get to know who they are.
At this point in life I really want nothing more than to share life with these people. I get to learn so much from each of them. I could go on and on with stories about Mark and Jason and Christy and Dwight and Steph and Jen and Mikel and Murph and Aiken and on and on and on. I hope to spend as much time as possible with these people this semester. What in life could be more important than living in the midst of Christian community? I have decided to work harder to treat my chaplain job as more like these types of relationships than work responsibilities.
Chaplain Work
My job has been busy this week but fulfilling. I have pondered not having my small group meetings with CL’s but instead making sure I have one on one time with each of them. I talked to Neil and Cori last week who both brought up a desire to hang out with me but an inability to feel like they could do so. They were stuck in the idea that I was their superior. And while of course I am I still desire to spend time with them. I think I am going to try and figure out how to be their friend rather than their boss, etc.
A Girl
So I met a girl. I have a crush. I’m scared to death of her. I can’t get anyone I talk to, to convince me not to ask her out. I’m a sissy. Jason says do it – what have you got to loose. I don’t even know the girl I just know the limited time I spent with her she impressed me. Laura started trying to figure out ways to help get us in a common situation. I will likely only see her again if I initiate an interaction. We run in different circles with different people. Mark (another one) says go for it. He knows who she is and said he doesn’t see any red flags. I’m scared to death; can’t that be a red flag?
Laura made the comment that stepping out on the line to ask a girl out honors her. I am still trying to decide if I agree with that thought. This thought has really challenged me though. I had decided to contact her when Jason challenged me – I was going to send an email. Rejection is so much easier over email. Then I decided maybe a voicemail. I could call when I knew she would be at work and not actually talk to her.
But if it is truly honoring than I desire to honor her as much as possible (She deserves it.). Therefore I have decided if I ever have the guts I will call and have a conversation. It may hurt or it may be the beginning of something great.
I have never asked out a girl I didn’t know. I have not asked any girl out in three years or more. I am a chicken.
Blogging
I am still trying to figure out what is appropriate to publish online. If said girl runs across this site, I look like an even bigger idiot than I usually look like. If I publish my thoughts and desires and ideas I prove myself to be so much less than I like people to think that I am. I am not sure I am comfortable with that reality.
Therefore I will only give you what I feal comfortable allowing you to read. The rest of my miserable self I will keep to myself or perhaps share only with those who care enough to dig deep enough. Or those who I care enough about to vomit the reality of me upon whether they care or not. That's what freinds are for, right?
Email Response
No word from Africa.
I had to begin this blog by just writing down the topics I wanted to discuss. There is so much that has been rattling around in my brain the last several days and zero time to get it down on paper. It is tough to be so busy and to have no other desire than that life would just slow down.
Community
I am so blessed. I have the opportunity to spend my life in the midst of incredible people. Why has it taken so long for me to recognize the value of the people that have been placed in my life? I have been in Waco for 3½ years and for the most part I have pissed away some of the best relationships I have ever had the opportunity to participate in.
I was in Orlando with my family over Christmas and it hit me how badly I wanted to get home (Waco) to see the people that I loved. It was sparked by a phone call from Jen. She called to get someone to go into her apartment with her since no one was around. I realized at that point the value of other people. I realized that I had wasted so many opportunities to invest in the lives of others and really get to know who they are.
At this point in life I really want nothing more than to share life with these people. I get to learn so much from each of them. I could go on and on with stories about Mark and Jason and Christy and Dwight and Steph and Jen and Mikel and Murph and Aiken and on and on and on. I hope to spend as much time as possible with these people this semester. What in life could be more important than living in the midst of Christian community? I have decided to work harder to treat my chaplain job as more like these types of relationships than work responsibilities.
Chaplain Work
My job has been busy this week but fulfilling. I have pondered not having my small group meetings with CL’s but instead making sure I have one on one time with each of them. I talked to Neil and Cori last week who both brought up a desire to hang out with me but an inability to feel like they could do so. They were stuck in the idea that I was their superior. And while of course I am I still desire to spend time with them. I think I am going to try and figure out how to be their friend rather than their boss, etc.
A Girl
So I met a girl. I have a crush. I’m scared to death of her. I can’t get anyone I talk to, to convince me not to ask her out. I’m a sissy. Jason says do it – what have you got to loose. I don’t even know the girl I just know the limited time I spent with her she impressed me. Laura started trying to figure out ways to help get us in a common situation. I will likely only see her again if I initiate an interaction. We run in different circles with different people. Mark (another one) says go for it. He knows who she is and said he doesn’t see any red flags. I’m scared to death; can’t that be a red flag?
Laura made the comment that stepping out on the line to ask a girl out honors her. I am still trying to decide if I agree with that thought. This thought has really challenged me though. I had decided to contact her when Jason challenged me – I was going to send an email. Rejection is so much easier over email. Then I decided maybe a voicemail. I could call when I knew she would be at work and not actually talk to her.
But if it is truly honoring than I desire to honor her as much as possible (She deserves it.). Therefore I have decided if I ever have the guts I will call and have a conversation. It may hurt or it may be the beginning of something great.
I have never asked out a girl I didn’t know. I have not asked any girl out in three years or more. I am a chicken.
Blogging
I am still trying to figure out what is appropriate to publish online. If said girl runs across this site, I look like an even bigger idiot than I usually look like. If I publish my thoughts and desires and ideas I prove myself to be so much less than I like people to think that I am. I am not sure I am comfortable with that reality.
Therefore I will only give you what I feal comfortable allowing you to read. The rest of my miserable self I will keep to myself or perhaps share only with those who care enough to dig deep enough. Or those who I care enough about to vomit the reality of me upon whether they care or not. That's what freinds are for, right?
Email Response
No word from Africa.
Friday, January 23, 2004
Friday Thoughts
To those who know me well I am considered shall we say, "hard to please." I am never completely satisfied with something. Is this a good thing or a bad thing? I don't know the answer to that question. I once heard a sermon by Andy Stanley. He spoke of being a leader and that a valuable part of that was a critical mind. He said that leaders are made as critical people. They look at something and begin to ponder how it could be made better.
I'm not writing this blog as a complaint of my friends laughing about my typical response, "it's okay." instead I am desiring to dig into understanding me. Since my last blog I have been pondering my negativity. I feel like I have always been an optimist rather than a pessimist. I even often view pessimism and perfectionism as negative character traits. I know that this view isn't fair either.
My desire, which is perhaps a self esteem issue in itself, is to be the type of person that people feel blessed having been around. I feel like that was the character of Christ. People felt built up, appreciated, encouraged, cared for when they were in his presence. Even when Christ offered criticism he seemed to have an amazingly comfortable/compassionate way of doing it.
Where is the line between being a "leader" as Stanley would say, and being a negative person. I want to be one but not the other. I fear I spend more time on the negative side than the leader side. I am not comfortable with that reality.
I'm not writing this blog as a complaint of my friends laughing about my typical response, "it's okay." instead I am desiring to dig into understanding me. Since my last blog I have been pondering my negativity. I feel like I have always been an optimist rather than a pessimist. I even often view pessimism and perfectionism as negative character traits. I know that this view isn't fair either.
My desire, which is perhaps a self esteem issue in itself, is to be the type of person that people feel blessed having been around. I feel like that was the character of Christ. People felt built up, appreciated, encouraged, cared for when they were in his presence. Even when Christ offered criticism he seemed to have an amazingly comfortable/compassionate way of doing it.
Where is the line between being a "leader" as Stanley would say, and being a negative person. I want to be one but not the other. I fear I spend more time on the negative side than the leader side. I am not comfortable with that reality.
Thursday, January 22, 2004
I'm so tired of the mundane. Last night I studied for about four hours. I got through about 1/2 of one class's work. I need to read for several more hours this morning but I'm so tired of it from last night I have yet to muster the energy to start all over again.
I am so ready to graduate. It seems like May will never get here. And all though I can't wait until classes end, it will also be rather weird. I have been going to school for 20 years. I'm not sure what it will be like to not register for classes, or buy books, or check into scholarships.
It will be extremely difficult to leave the community that has formed over the last 3 1/2 years and has begun to grow and flourish over last semester. How do I make the most of these relationships before they potentially come to a close? How do I keep them from coming to closure, but maintain contact even in the midst of separation? I'm not sure the answer to any of these questions but they will continue to be a focus of my thoughts as the time draws ever closer.
When I leave I plan to head to Northeast Africa. But that again brings a whole new realm of thoughts roaming around my small brain. When do I leave? How long do I stay? Will they give me a position anyway? Currently it is all up in the air. I will send an email today or tomorrow to the people I hope to work with. Hopefully we will be willing to seek out the wisdom of God on the issue considering our wisdom is definitely not enough.
I am so ready to graduate. It seems like May will never get here. And all though I can't wait until classes end, it will also be rather weird. I have been going to school for 20 years. I'm not sure what it will be like to not register for classes, or buy books, or check into scholarships.
It will be extremely difficult to leave the community that has formed over the last 3 1/2 years and has begun to grow and flourish over last semester. How do I make the most of these relationships before they potentially come to a close? How do I keep them from coming to closure, but maintain contact even in the midst of separation? I'm not sure the answer to any of these questions but they will continue to be a focus of my thoughts as the time draws ever closer.
When I leave I plan to head to Northeast Africa. But that again brings a whole new realm of thoughts roaming around my small brain. When do I leave? How long do I stay? Will they give me a position anyway? Currently it is all up in the air. I will send an email today or tomorrow to the people I hope to work with. Hopefully we will be willing to seek out the wisdom of God on the issue considering our wisdom is definitely not enough.
Wednesday, January 21, 2004
Tonight has been a good night. Jason, Christy, Mark, and I went and saw the Mavs play the Nets. We had a lot of fun as we always do. More and more everyday I am learning the value of good community and the necessity it is in my life. It helps me enjoy life more and it helps me desire to pursue Christ more. I praise God for the community I am able to interact with.
A thought: I recently had a conversation regarding sexual thoughts/actions as a continuum. In the conversation we discussed if there is a point where sexual thoughts turn to lust. If this is true than there is a place on the "line" that is natural and healthy for people to remain even if outside of a marriage relationship. I'm not sure if I agree with the idea or not, but it is an interesting thought.
If it is true than how do we distinguish appropriate thoughts from lust? If it is true why has the idea never been mentioned? Rather we teach young Christians that any sexual thought or act is reserved for marriage alone and is sin outside of that. Perhaps this is a true statement but if it isn't it makes for a lot of guilty teenagers who don't know what to do with natural, appropriate sexual thoughts.
I'm not sure if this entire post makes me look like a sex addict or a pervert. Oh, well. I remember Tony Campolo speaking when I was in high school. He said something about praying prayers that God would remove from him all sexual thoughts and temptation. Then all of the sudden he realized that was a stupid prayer because life would be strange and boring without the natural thoughts.
Who knows. But the game was fun. How 'bout Antoine Walker? (That was for you Mark.)
A thought: I recently had a conversation regarding sexual thoughts/actions as a continuum. In the conversation we discussed if there is a point where sexual thoughts turn to lust. If this is true than there is a place on the "line" that is natural and healthy for people to remain even if outside of a marriage relationship. I'm not sure if I agree with the idea or not, but it is an interesting thought.
If it is true than how do we distinguish appropriate thoughts from lust? If it is true why has the idea never been mentioned? Rather we teach young Christians that any sexual thought or act is reserved for marriage alone and is sin outside of that. Perhaps this is a true statement but if it isn't it makes for a lot of guilty teenagers who don't know what to do with natural, appropriate sexual thoughts.
I'm not sure if this entire post makes me look like a sex addict or a pervert. Oh, well. I remember Tony Campolo speaking when I was in high school. He said something about praying prayers that God would remove from him all sexual thoughts and temptation. Then all of the sudden he realized that was a stupid prayer because life would be strange and boring without the natural thoughts.
Who knows. But the game was fun. How 'bout Antoine Walker? (That was for you Mark.)
Tuesday, January 20, 2004
I have been pretty unproductive today. I very intentionally did not set my alarm clock. I woke up at 10:45. It was great. It had been a long weekend. I did Jason’s D-Now. Mark and I ended up in the same house working with the high school guys.
They were good guys. It was sort of tough though. I those situations I always find myself reflecting back to when I was there age. I think of the things I was thinking, and saying, and doing. I try to imagine what should have been said to encourage me to live my life differently than I have. I wonder if I needed more “don'ts” or more “how’s” or more “this is why’s.” I never quite figure out what should have happened.
My prayer is that we leave the weekend and someone has been touched. Hopefully it is one of the guys; usually it is me. We had fun, good things happened, God was worshiped.
Counseling
Last semester I went to see a friend who does counseling. We were only allowed to visit three times and then I started elsewhere. Now I have met with that Doc twice. Today was another.
At both of the first meetings the question was asked why I had come. I felt as if I was supposed to have this deep pressing psychological issue I needed to resolve. The truth is I first went because one of “the bosses” told me to. He told us all to go. He thought it would be a good place to resolve job related stress. Mine has never really talked about work. I don’t really have any job related stress because I don’t really do my job.
I go to a counselor because I believe all people can benefit from the experience and because I think it will allow me more empathy for those I counsel.
Each time I go I love it. It is so exhilarating. I leave with this new insight into me. It is fascinating. Each time I leave lost in thought about who I am and why I am who I am. One of the discoveries in the last two weeks was into defense mechanisms. We explored possible fears and anxieties in my life and how I might be going about dodging admitting or discussing them.
There will definitely be more on this issue soon.
Work
I was real lazy in my job last semester. God has called me to be more and do more. I have to be faithful to that call.
They were good guys. It was sort of tough though. I those situations I always find myself reflecting back to when I was there age. I think of the things I was thinking, and saying, and doing. I try to imagine what should have been said to encourage me to live my life differently than I have. I wonder if I needed more “don'ts” or more “how’s” or more “this is why’s.” I never quite figure out what should have happened.
My prayer is that we leave the weekend and someone has been touched. Hopefully it is one of the guys; usually it is me. We had fun, good things happened, God was worshiped.
Counseling
Last semester I went to see a friend who does counseling. We were only allowed to visit three times and then I started elsewhere. Now I have met with that Doc twice. Today was another.
At both of the first meetings the question was asked why I had come. I felt as if I was supposed to have this deep pressing psychological issue I needed to resolve. The truth is I first went because one of “the bosses” told me to. He told us all to go. He thought it would be a good place to resolve job related stress. Mine has never really talked about work. I don’t really have any job related stress because I don’t really do my job.
I go to a counselor because I believe all people can benefit from the experience and because I think it will allow me more empathy for those I counsel.
Each time I go I love it. It is so exhilarating. I leave with this new insight into me. It is fascinating. Each time I leave lost in thought about who I am and why I am who I am. One of the discoveries in the last two weeks was into defense mechanisms. We explored possible fears and anxieties in my life and how I might be going about dodging admitting or discussing them.
There will definitely be more on this issue soon.
Work
I was real lazy in my job last semester. God has called me to be more and do more. I have to be faithful to that call.
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