Thanks Sarah...

I drove home from Waco today. I was so tired driving. Several times I almost stopped to take a nap. One thing that kept me awake through some of it was thinking over things.


At one point I began to think about friends. I thought about old friends and new friends. I thought about graduations - high school, college, seminary. How were they different? How were they the same?


While doing this I realized I could be overseas and miss my ten year high school reunion (We are all getting old, you know?). Even if I am there it might be soon after returning, so I get to be the jobless guy trying to make a connection. I partnered this thinking with high school graduation and remembered one event that was both very painful and very redefining.


We were sitting on the hard wooden gym floor at Lone Oak High School (no snickers!). We were in alphabetical order practicing for senior night. (Senior night is something other than graduation but it is when they present a lot of awards and tell where people got scholarships, etc.) A row or two behind me was Sarah - she was in the W's.


Sarah and I and a couple others started talking about what we were going to do when we grew up. I mentioned that I was planning to go into ministry. After saying this I remember Sarah's words clearly. "I could never go to your church Chad." "Why is that?" "Because you would know how I was when I was a kid and I would feel guilty."


Sarah's intentions were probably not the same as the effect of those words. I recognized at that point and continually over the next year that I had an issue with being judgmental. I had never even realized that it was a reality.


I haven't reached where I should be yet but Sarah helped me realize that if I was ever going to be an effective minister than I would have to be a person that didn't make others feel guilty for the realities of who they are.


There was nothing wrong with Sarah. She was a teenager. Most of us (I was sort of a geek so maybe not me) did the same things. We hung out with our friends, we made silly mistakes we might regret in the future, we lived life and had fun doing it.


I am still guilty of being judgmental. I think poorly of people just by the company they keep or the places they go. I am the Pharisees with the woman caught in adultery. I am just as guilty as they are but I spend all of my time pointing out others rather than cleaning up my act. In fact I work hard to hide my blemishes so that others might not notice.


I am not sure I could ever be Sarah's pastor, because I know how I was when I was a kid, and I know how I am now, and I would feel guilty every time I saw her face.


I hope to see these words from Bonhoeffer next to the front door of my church one day:

"You are a sinner, a great, desperate sinner; now come, as the sinner that you are, to God who loves you. He wants you as you are; He does not want anything from you, a sacrifice, a work; He wants you alone."

The Tire Man...

I met a man today. I had to go and get new tires put on my car. I ended up at this little shack out in the middle of what seemed like nowhere. While Zack put the tires on my car I sat in side their air-conditioned office they sent me towards.


Inside was a very large old man in overalls. He was missing some teeth and liked to use cuss words in his sentences. He never told me his name but he shared with me his life. He is 60, retired, and the father of three. He has loved two women in his life. The first he got pregnant when they were "dumb teenagers." Sharon was 15 and 3 months when Shelly Ann was born. They went their separate ways and lost touch for a while. His daughter was in her 20's before he reconnected with her. It was real obvious this had been a regret of his. Not the daughter, he was very proud of her, but he was ashamed he was away so long. Sharon seems to have trouble with men, being she is on her sixth husband and has publicly voiced she would love to again be with my friend the tire man.


This kindof pisses my friend off because he loves his wife of 43 years very much. He and Ann have two children, Elizabeth Ann and a son in his forties whose name was never shared. At times I thought he was going to cry as he shared the joys of his life and the struggles of his life. I don't really know why he chose to share any of this with me. I know about his daughter getting beat up by her boyfriend and a father's revenge. I know that his wife and Shelly Ann's mom get along, and Shelly gets along with his wife Ann.


I know that this man enjoys telling the stories of his life. He doesn't care who he tells; he wants all to know he has loved and still loves. He wants the world to know that the women of his life - his daughters and their mothers - mean the world to him.


I wondered if it was gossip to listen to him talk about the others. I wondered if I was supposed to respond. I just listened and smiled and nodded and set "uh huh," and "I bet" a lot. I doubt I will ever see him again, but I wonder if I ministered to him in some way. I want to help shed the grace of Christ into the lives of others, I wonder if I was faithful today. I know that soon my friend will be with his wife camping in their RV and fishing, and while they sit on the boat I hope he will sit and reflect on the love of Christ and the blessings of family he has been afforded.


I don't know if he knows Christ. He mentioned that he usually leaves to camp on Thursday and returns home on Sunday, somedays he comes home early in the morning so that he can go to church. I don't have any idea if he loves Jesus, but I know that Jesus loves him and therefore I am called to love him too.


I love my new friend the tire man. I hope I was a blessing to him, because he sure was a blessing to me.

Friends...

I pulled it off once in college. My birthday came and went and the only people who knew were my family. Every year I do all that I can to not let anyone know that my birthday has come and gone. I try to hide it from everyone I know. I feel so selfish letting anybody know that I have a birthday. I don't like there to be events that are focused on me. I would much rather get together on behalf of others.


Last night my friends got together in my honor. It was tough. Christy continued to tell me that she wanted to throw me a goodbye party as I prepare to leave for Africa. I didn't want her to do it, until we were told at the hiring conference, "Let your friends have parties for you." I told Christy she could do it but I would prefer not help plan the thing. All I had to do was give her some names to add to the list she had made. Last night I got to see some of those show up.


An event like this doesn't say so much about those who couldn't make it, but it says some great things about those who do make it. As I was driving home I was thinking through the people who sacrificed to make it to this thing to say "goodbye" even though they aren't really saying goodbye yet. I was seeing faces and names of those who stopped by, those who brought cards, and those who were willing to pray for me publicly.


Several people came to mind, but one stuck out a bit. One friend who was there hasn't always been a friend. For some reason I still don't understand the two of us have never gotten along very well. We had some things happen as we got to know one another that kept us from connecting I guess. But the last year has been different. Over the last year we have gotten to know each other much better. And this individual means a lot to me. The person didn't have to come; they had no responsibility. They didn't have to make sure that they talked to me one on one, but they did. We have become friends and I am so thankful. We are very different people, but then again that is the case with me and a lot of my friends. I only regret that we waited so long to get to know one another.


Megan was there last night, her laugh is hilarious. As almost everyone had left, a few of us just sat in the living room and listened to her talk and tell jokes and especially laugh. Her laughter is contagious. I love it. She and I have only known each other for the last year, but I will miss her laugh. I told her last night that she is going to have to record it and send it to me. It will be a great heartwarmer on a lonely day.


I have yet to read through the cards I was given. Christy had them bring two types. One was for me to open last night. Christy made me open them in front of everyone. The other stack is not to be opened until I get to Africa. HOLY COW!! That is such a long time for me to hold on to a stack of cards. Sure, it will be a blessing to open them in Africa, but it will be hard to wait. Several included gift cards in their card last night. One of the many were Jason and Joslyn. It was great to have them there. They are engaged!! I couldn't believe people sacrificed what they did so that I might have gifts. The cards will be so valuable for me as I purchase supplies to carry over with me.


The most incredible thing that was done last night was the prayer. We all gathered in Dwight's living room as the group of people gathered around me, and prayed over me. What a blessing to hear friends that you love prayer to our heavenly father for wisdom, protection, guidance, courage, strength, transformation, and so many other prayers. It was powerful and very encouraging to receive their words. Over the next several months those prayers will help pull me through. Many of them signed up to commit to pray to me as I go. Many of those prayers will be my strength to continue to live among the people of Northeast Africa.


Thank you friends! I love you!


For my own sake I want a list of names (please forgive me if I forget you, this is completely from memory): Jason, Joslyn, Eric, Brian, Neil, Steven, Lisa, Julie, Jen, Myles, Ryan, Kristen, Pam, Cori, Anna, Liz, Claire, Kimberly, Murph, Lizzie, Megan, Coleman, Dana, Andrew, Potter, April, Bethany. I feel bad cause I know I have left people out, but I will add them as I remember (it's early dang it!).


And especially the gang (I didn't forget you guys): Mark, Jason, Christy, Dwight, Chris, Mikel. You guys mean more to me than I could ever put into words. I am fully aware that I would not be the person I am today not the person I hope to become if it were not for the inspiration that each of you have been in my life. I will miss you immensely!


Thank you friends! I love you!

Goodbyes...

This is a time of endings. This is a time of goodbyes. This year has been that way. Today has especially been that way.


This morning I woke up and watch the two hour series finale of Dawson's Creek. Yes, I know Dawson's Creek ended ages ago. But I didn't watch it ages ago. I only made fun of those who watched it back then. But this year I started watching the reruns on TBS and I sort of got hooked. Really after a while I just wanted to know how the show ended. So today I saw it. I cried.


I had lunch with the boys.


I got this phone call requesting I come to some banquet I had RSVP'ed not to go to. I heard several people speak about the end of the year. Dr. Eileen Hulme gave a report of what all had been done throughout the year. I began to tear up realizing my time at Baylor was nearly over. Sometimes I hate my job. I get so pissed at the way things are done sometimes. Often I love my job! I love that I get to work with incredible students. I love that "I knew them when..." Some of these men and women will eventually change the world and I will have the great privilege of knowing that in spite of all my deficiencies God ministered to them through me. I'm going to miss my students. I got some award which again made me want to cry. It again clarifies this is the end.


I had a dinner tonight with some of the people I started Truett with who are still here. There really aren't that many of us left. We talked about our time here and who we had lost track of and what our plans are. I am leaving. Going to Africa. Working with an organization many of them hate. But I am following God with both fear and excitement.

Sidenote - My friend Christy says that if there is anything in female fashion I don't like, it is probably in style. However I really like one style going on right now. I love the comeback of skirts. Granted they are often way to short and rather dangerous with a burst of wind, but when tasteful they are so stinkin' cute. I have two friends who pull it off very well. Watson and Hatfield are great skirt girls. They can pull of a skirt with a pair of old tennis shoes and a Tshirt. Cute girls. If I wasn't so scared of girls I might chase after one of those cute skirt girls and try to marry them.

Tonight I went to Jen's and watched the series finale of friends. I didn't cry this time but there were some moments of great laughter and excitement.


Momentarilly I will begin my last final. I will be finished with my formal education. Wow!


Saturday Christy is throwing me some party. Numbers of my friends have been invited to celebrate my going overseas (or my leaving one, I'm not real sure). I've never had friends really. I wonder if for the first time in my life I will keep up with these friends. Waco has changed me. It has made me into a different person than I was three and a half short years ago.


May 1, Mark and I decided to start our "lasts." "This is the last time will will be here or do this." Christy gets upset when we talk about it. I do too, but laughing about it keeps me from getting sad.


This is the end of so many great things. But endings always mean beginnings also. I wonder what is beginning. I know I am going overseas but what is beginning in this new stage of life. How will I change? How will I grow? Will I fall back to the person I used to be? Who will I love? Who will I play with, and laugh with, and cry with? Who's mom will I talk about? Who will I give a ride home?


I am heartbroken; but I am so excited! What is beginning? What is next?