Grace...

The concepts in the parable of The Forgiving Father are hard for me to grasp. I don't actually understand grace the way it is presented in this story.


About three weeks ago a friend of mine called my understanding of grace into question. Since that time I have been trying to find out if I even believe in grace. Of course I have the verbage to say things about grace but I sure don't live a life with evidence that I exhibit or experience grace.


I have allowed grace to be the ticket that earns us entry into salvation and the body of Christ. From there it seems to stop. I have lived my life as if the grace of God stops at the door...from that point on I have to earn my keep. How crazy is that? It must not be such a foreign idea because the younger soon tried to do the same. He didn't see himself worthy of ever being a son again. He wanted to earn back some honor, some respect.


The father would have none of it. He welcomed him in as a son. He welcomed him fully. He put sandals on his feet and a robe on his back. No matter what was lost, no matter what was done - he was a son. He would always be a son.


The next to last chapter in Blue Like Jazz is on love. It isn't about loving others...that is the chapter before. It is about loving self. Miller realized he was unwilling to love himself. His inability to love or even like himself had made it impossible for him to receive love from others, to receive love from God.


What is the difference between loving yourself and being an arrogant fool? How can one be humble and yet have respect for himself/herself? Both must be possible...but how.


Currently I swim in this world. I swim in the questions of grace. I desire to be a vessel of grace for others, but until I am capable of receiving the grace of God I can not reliably display it.


Today I talked with my friend who began me on this journey of grace. I shared with him the impact he had made and my fear of losing it as I leave this place. Somehow this led us to a conversation of emotion. I am not a very emotional person. I cry like a big fat baby in movies. I am however, not as likely to cry in life situations. I displace my hurt my, my fear, my sadness, my anger. I cover them up and move them away as a way to handle them. I was challenged to feel.


I want a step by step plan to figure out living in grace. I want it to be logical, intellectual. My friend has challenged me to allow this pursuit not to be intellectual but experiential. Continue to experience doubt, sadness, hurt, fear. Don't hid from it, don't ignore it.


My friend has helped me continue to journey of looking more like Christ. I don't always like his ideas. I am also scared I will stop trying once he is gone. I am moving soon...it's scary.