Personal Pride...

A couple of weeks ago I made a comment.  As soon as it got out of my mouth I thought, “Damn that sure was arrogant!”  I let it go, because as bad as it sounded I said it because I meant it; I believed it.  Wednesday afternoon I got hit hard.  This pride I had recognized a couple of weeks ago resurfaced.  This time it hit me hard.  I wasn’t proud of it and I’m still not sure how to deal with it.

Let me give some background.  My mom always assumed I would be a homebody.  I was pretty close to my family growing up.  I spent the majority of my weekend nights in high school at home or church.  It wasn’t so much because of a lack of friends as it was that I enjoyed being with my family.  Typically I went to the movies with Mom and Dad.  I don’t remember many times I went with friends.  

But I didn’t stay home.  When I graduated high school, I moved away to go to college.  I wasn’t that far away.  I was only about a 4 hour drive away.  I came home some.  Summer after my freshman year I even lived at home to work at a local church.  That was the last time I lived at home.  I went from college to seminary; I was four hours away and then twelve.  My next move was to the other side of the world.  I moved to Africa.  

When I finished in Africa I came back to my hometown.  My parents had moved to Africa at that point so being here was hard.  I had been gone nearly 10 years.  I don’t have friends left here and the people I would hang out with here (my family) were mostly gone.  I’ve told people my time here is temporary.  I thought I would move by the beginning of 2007.  I was ready to get out again.  I was ready for the next step.  But I didn’t move by 2007.  I’m still here.  

People still ask, “So have you moved back?”  I don’t know how to answer.  I don’t want to say yes.  I don’t want to have moved back here.  I want this to be a temporary place.  Here is where the arrogance comes in.  

A church here has mentioned me sticking around.  They’ve talked about me helping lead in some way.  The first time it was mentioned I talked about maybe being interested, but I didn’t know if I would be here long.  This week it was brought up again.  Suddenly I saw the pride.  

Somewhere along the way, I decided I was too good for this place.  It is hard for me to say that.  I’m not sure how to deal with it.  I told my brother Wednesday afternoon that part of me fears if I stay here for a while I’ve sold out in some way.  It makes me nervous that I have abandoned some call or some dream for my life.  At the same time the real fear isn’t selling out as much as it is dealing with pride.  Somewhere along the way I decided that all of my adventures put me in a place where I didn’t “fit” here anymore.  I was too good.  Wow! How arrogant does that sound?  How incredibly ungodly is that?  

I’m not sure if I’m gonna stick around, but I know that I have to deal with this pride.  I have to deal with these thoughts I have allowed to seep into my person.  

Right now I’m considering two options for the next phase of my journey.  I might stay here.  I might find some work, hang out with my brother, and help be a part of this local church plant.  I might instead go to the northeast.  A great friend lives up there.  He pastors a really cool community.  I’d love to be a part of it for a time.  But I’m questioning if it isn’t time for that just yet.  I want to answer a call.  A call moved me to Texas; another moved me to Africa.  I want another to decide where I’m going next.  Is it here, is it elsewhere?  I’m just not sure yet.