Try Again...

Looks like there are still a few of you who pop in here now and again to see I still haven't written. Take a peek here. I don't write often there either...but I have recently.

Prayers...

For those of you still checking in I want to ask for your prayers on two issues.

1. Just over a week ago a friend of mine named David committed suicide. David is from the country I lived in and is from a great family. He and I were able to travel together some while I was there. It has been a hard week for me dealing with the loss of a friend. Please pray for his friends and family as we grieve the loss of such an amazing young man.

2. I am looking at a job. A school in Arizona is interested in me becoming their Campus Pastor. I am to let them know Monday if they should book a ticket for a face to face on the campus. It sounds like an intriguing position. Call if you want to hear more details.

Thanks for your prayers!

Faith and Questions...

The chats I’ve had with some friends recently have been interesting.  Two are struggling with faith.  They are struggling with the things they grew up knowing.  I think they are struggling for different reasons, and their approaches to it are different, but they are both struggling.  

The first has shared with me that as a child/youth she felt lied to.  She doesn’t believe pastors and other leaders actually believed or meant the things they told her.  The view on alcohol or sex perhaps wasn’t meant to be taken as strictly as she assumed it was.  When her mind started to spin and she lost faith in leaders she began to question God.  As she did, she looked for answers.  She looked in good places.  She found none that satisfied and eventually stopped looking all together.  Even worse, some of the guides not only didn’t give answers that helped – the screwed her up more.  Now she longs for answers, but lacks the desire or motivation to search for them.  She has given up on churches and dreams and love and faith.  Yet she doesn’t really want to give up on any of them.  

The other friend is in a different place.  I think she found sin she enjoyed before she found doubt.  She found a boy who she liked but she knew wasn’t a wise choice.  She wasn’t really interested in a wise choice though, so she pursued it anyway.  A few times it has crashed yet resurrected itself.  She hates the relationship but likes feeling loved and being able to love.  She likes the physical.  She likes the idea of it being around until she at least figures out herself and her own beliefs again.  She doesn’t see that it is likely what keeps her guessing.  She is searching for answers.  Or maybe she just thinks she is.  In actuality she is probably more concerned with finding justification for her sin than answers.  She is working harder to disprove her faith than to remember it as real and alive.  She wants to box God in.  She wants God to be simple and understandable…possibly so she can figure out how to hide the sin from him.  She is like Adam and Eve hiding in the garden from the God that sees everything they do no matter where they hide.  She wants to love God; she is just tired of it being so damn hard.    

I never know where to go with these types of chats.  I feel we have a responsibility to help one another brave the path of faith.  Yet I believe the doubts and the questions contain great value.  How do I stop giving answers but encourage they continue asking good questions?  How do I walk beside them as they search?  How do I help others question in healthy manners but not come to dangerous places as perhaps both of these have?  I do I help decipher good questions from not so great ones?

I led a youth weekend two weeks ago.  I spent a lot of time with senior guys in high school.  We had a lot of fun.  We shot it pretty straight.  We talked about life and love and God.  We talked about how we try to mix them all together.  The focus was on making Christ Lord.  Not sure I’ve ever figured out how to do that.  I’m trying to learn.  But the more I look the more I believe it is less about quiet times and going to church and doing this and not doing that.  It seems to be more concerned with people than tasks.  It seems to be more concerned with love than perfection.  

I miss ministry.  I miss community.  I love to be able to have chats like these with friends.  I love to walk with others as we journey faith.  The Father is leading me back towards church ministry.  I hope as he does so he continues helping me learn how to serve better, how to love better, how to live out holiness better.  I hope he makes of me the man he has called me to be.  I hope I can help him more than be a hindrance to the project.  

Personal Pride...

A couple of weeks ago I made a comment.  As soon as it got out of my mouth I thought, “Damn that sure was arrogant!”  I let it go, because as bad as it sounded I said it because I meant it; I believed it.  Wednesday afternoon I got hit hard.  This pride I had recognized a couple of weeks ago resurfaced.  This time it hit me hard.  I wasn’t proud of it and I’m still not sure how to deal with it.

Let me give some background.  My mom always assumed I would be a homebody.  I was pretty close to my family growing up.  I spent the majority of my weekend nights in high school at home or church.  It wasn’t so much because of a lack of friends as it was that I enjoyed being with my family.  Typically I went to the movies with Mom and Dad.  I don’t remember many times I went with friends.  

But I didn’t stay home.  When I graduated high school, I moved away to go to college.  I wasn’t that far away.  I was only about a 4 hour drive away.  I came home some.  Summer after my freshman year I even lived at home to work at a local church.  That was the last time I lived at home.  I went from college to seminary; I was four hours away and then twelve.  My next move was to the other side of the world.  I moved to Africa.  

When I finished in Africa I came back to my hometown.  My parents had moved to Africa at that point so being here was hard.  I had been gone nearly 10 years.  I don’t have friends left here and the people I would hang out with here (my family) were mostly gone.  I’ve told people my time here is temporary.  I thought I would move by the beginning of 2007.  I was ready to get out again.  I was ready for the next step.  But I didn’t move by 2007.  I’m still here.  

People still ask, “So have you moved back?”  I don’t know how to answer.  I don’t want to say yes.  I don’t want to have moved back here.  I want this to be a temporary place.  Here is where the arrogance comes in.  

A church here has mentioned me sticking around.  They’ve talked about me helping lead in some way.  The first time it was mentioned I talked about maybe being interested, but I didn’t know if I would be here long.  This week it was brought up again.  Suddenly I saw the pride.  

Somewhere along the way, I decided I was too good for this place.  It is hard for me to say that.  I’m not sure how to deal with it.  I told my brother Wednesday afternoon that part of me fears if I stay here for a while I’ve sold out in some way.  It makes me nervous that I have abandoned some call or some dream for my life.  At the same time the real fear isn’t selling out as much as it is dealing with pride.  Somewhere along the way I decided that all of my adventures put me in a place where I didn’t “fit” here anymore.  I was too good.  Wow! How arrogant does that sound?  How incredibly ungodly is that?  

I’m not sure if I’m gonna stick around, but I know that I have to deal with this pride.  I have to deal with these thoughts I have allowed to seep into my person.  

Right now I’m considering two options for the next phase of my journey.  I might stay here.  I might find some work, hang out with my brother, and help be a part of this local church plant.  I might instead go to the northeast.  A great friend lives up there.  He pastors a really cool community.  I’d love to be a part of it for a time.  But I’m questioning if it isn’t time for that just yet.  I want to answer a call.  A call moved me to Texas; another moved me to Africa.  I want another to decide where I’m going next.  Is it here, is it elsewhere?  I’m just not sure yet.  

Realizing...

I stopped praying.  Not sure when it happened.  I didn’t even realize it had happened until last week.  For some reason I started thinking about prayer and I realized it had been a while.  I was thinking about the future: thinking about jobs, and where I might live, and who I might live with.  I realized I stopped asking for God to direct that.  I want to follow God; I guess it would be important to interact with God in order to receive some of his wisdom.

Spent a few hours talking to an old friend the other day.  Our expectations had put us both in a strange place regarding our relationship.  Finally we moved past some of those things and were able to be friends again.  The chats that finally came where important.  I needed them.  I’d missed my friend.  

Through them I realized something I think I already knew.  The hardest part of being back in the States has been that I’m lonely.  She challenged me to enjoy where I am and be blessed by the time that I have to relax and grow and learn and experience life.  The tough part is I don’t want to do it alone.  I don’t want to sit on the porch and watch the water and read.  I want to get a cup of coffee with someone I love.  I miss friends.  I miss community.  

I realize every sporadic post I write these days is about the same thing.  I’m having a hard time moving out of this rut.  I don’t enjoy writing these days.  I’m not sure what I enjoy right now.  I’m just hanging out.  I cherish the times with my brother and the times I get to spend with friends.

Calling...

Been thinking about “calling” the last few days.  In high school I knew without a shadow of a doubt I had been called to spend my life working in some type of ministry position.  Now over the years my understanding of what that meant has changed.  

In 2003 I was sitting in a movie with Christy and Jason.  Suddenly I knew I was called to go back to Africa.  I didn’t have the same kind of call with schools at either Truett or Georgetown.  I just knew something fit and God blessed those decisions.  So when are you called to something and when does God bless a choice?

For example: I feel like someone is called to live their life overseas.  I feel like that call is important perhaps crucial.  But what about in a relationship?  Is someone called to be a part of it or does he/she choose to pursue it and God may or may not bless it?

I was told when I was younger and actually still today not to ever marry someone who’s “call” doesn’t line up with mine.  But what does this mean.  Come on over the last 20 years I’ve changed my mind many times on what I might do with my life.  My call to ministry seems pretty open in regards to the particular kind of ministry.  I’m called to ministry but I suck at youth ministry so I’m not gonna do that.  

Hypothetically, let’s say I meet a girl.  Let’s say I really like the girl.  Let’s say she feels called to live overseas and I don’t.  Does that mean get out?  I’ve always though so and then a friend made me think a bit differently.  Is it possible that the call to be together overshadows the vocational call?  Which carries more weight?  Which is more important?  Does one have to come before the other?

Is it possible that I meet a girl, I like the girl, I date the girl, I even marry the girl and we still don’t know what we’ll do for life vocationally?  Maybe we just know that God has placed us together and we want to serve him together whatever way we can.  All this is crazy.

Where do thoughts of God choosing one woman/man and reformed theology come into the debate?  I don’t like reformed theology much, but I realized last week dating is a lot easier with it.  Breaking up doesn’t hurt so bad if God has it all worked out…she just wasn’t “the one.”  There is always hope he’ll bring the guy/girl along and the next one will be the one.  

But, breaking up does hurt.  And love isn’t easy.  And I don’t know any more about God and dating at the age of 28 then I knew at the age of 8.

Homecoming Community...

The last week has begun.  A group of us gather together here once a week.  We meet together in a home.  We break bread together, we sing praises together, we enjoy each others presence, we pray together, we discuss scripture together.  Last night was my last.  It will be tough to transition to a different model in the States.  I grew up in the traditional western church model.  It is responsible for my roots.  It is responsible for helping me get where I am today.  But it will be hard to go back to it.  

When I read Acts, I see the church of Jesus’ followers.  They met in homes.  They shared meals.  They shared life.  They worshipped together and played together.  They laughed and cried together.  They lived the life of Christ together.  Seems we’ve lost some of that in the west.  It makes me sad that those who don’t follow the master seem to understand his ideas of community better than those of us who do follow him.

I watch shows like “Friends.”  Sure, there is evidence of a life motivated by something other than Christ.  But they loved one another the way Christians are called to love people.  I’ve become a big fan of the movie version of the musical “Rent.”  A Christian magazine I like slammed it.  They felt it “promoted homosexuality.”  In my opinion it didn’t.  It showed it as a real thing that happens in our world.  I’d like to see believers come to a place of knowing how to love the gay community the way Christ would.  There is a scene in the movie at a cemetery.  It touches me.  I watch how this group lives family.  They love one another, through thick and thin.  They hurt when they have to be away from one another.  They rejoice at chances to be together.

As the States move closer and closer to my reality I long to find community like this.  I had it once.  I still have those guys; we just live in different places now.  Two are in Thailand, two are in Baltimore, two are in Tennessee, and who knows where I’ll be (or when I’ll find the other half of my pair!).  I enter the States differently than ever before.  I won’t be with my best friends.  I won’t be with my parents.  My sister is gone.  I enter a changed person.  Those most responsible for participating in my changing won’t be around me.  It will be a stretch.  I’ll have to learn again how to live life.  But it is all part of the journey.  And oh how I love the journey.

Hurting...

Heartbroken…

I lost something important to me; not sure how to cope without it right now.

Leaving a place I love in about 2½ weeks.  That one is pretty tough too.

Not sure what life looks like without all the people I live around right now.

Feel like I’m living in a state of depression today.  Hoping it will pass soon.

Who's Out There?

My counter tells me where people are looking at my blogs from.  I know some of you, but many I can’t figure out.  Who are Collegeville, Pennsylvania and Elizabeth, New Jersey?

I’m really not sure why some of you keep coming by this blog.  I haven’t written here in ages.  I keep thinking I will get back to it, but then drop the ball.  I’m working one up in response to a comment I got elsewhere.

Stuff I'm Reading...

Closing sentence in an essay: "If we don't pray according to the needs of the heart, we repress our deepest longings. Our prayers may not be rational, and we may be quite aware of that, but if we repress our needs, then those unsaid prayers will fester." - Madeleine L'Engle in Glimpses of Grace

Opening sentence in an essay: "An agnostic is somebody who doesn't know for sure whether there really is a God. That is some people all of the time and all people some of the time." Frederick Buechner in Beyond Words

Truth in a Movie...

I'm sitting in the living room watching a movie I've seen more times than I can count. It isn't even a very good movie, but it is fun and I knew I wouldn't have to pay much attention and could work at the same time.

I'm watching Pure Country. George isn't much of an actor. But it is a fun story of trying to find one's roots. I'm not really writing about the movie because I'm a fan; rather I was impressed by something Grandma Ivy said.

I've had a few conversations lately about asking questions. I notice that as many of us move into a place of seeking and asking questions we have one goal in mind...answers. I was so blessed to go to a school and be surrounded by friends who forced me to ask questions.

Now I'm still not sure I'm much of question asker, but I keep trying. However, over time I've learned one thing. I've learned that asking questions isn't always about finding answers; often the question is more important than the answer.

Earl was asking Grandma Ivy where Wyatt was and she gave him some long answer about a tree growing too fast and something about its roots. Earl had no idea what she was saying and told her he had never heard her answer a question directly. She merely smiled and said, "There are no answers, only the search."

Now she wasn't intending to claim any spiritual truths, but I wonder if she is right. I wonder if Jesus is more interested in our search, our journey, than he is us discovering answers. I guess one day we'll learn, for now I'll just keep searching.

I'm excited that I have a new friend in the search. Two guys helped change my life. Mark and Jason were a big part in me becoming who I am today. Now some might not compliment them on that but I sure do. I'm not yet where I desire to be or where I think I'm created to be. But I give a lot of credit to those two for where I am on the journey. Their faithfulness in our accountability has done wonders for me.

Last week I started to meet with a new guy. Now we are meeting together to live the journey. We are trying to hold one another accountable and ask tough questions about one another's walk; about faith; about life. Together we search. One other thing I think I've learned is that the search is supposed to happen in community. Thankfully I've found some.

Lost and...Finding?

[Listening to: Love Is A Battlefield - Pat Benatar - 13 Going On 30 Soundtrack]

I hate to lose things. When I was in high school I remember losing my wallet twice. The first time was in Kansas City if I remember right. I didn't realize I had lost it until we had long since left the scene. I was on a church trip and we were staying overnight at the hotel. For dinner several of us cruised across the parking lot for some McDonald's. (Man I could go for a good American burger right now!) Somewhere on the journey back to the hotel from McDonald's my wallet disappeared. Now I was young so there wasn't much in it in the first place. I think I had some cash and some trading cards and some tracts (wow).

I was pretty tight with money, so it broke my heart to find out I had lost that cash. I was sick about losing it. Once I got home I contacted the police station just to see if anything was turned in. Come to find out it had been, the very night I lost it. They sent it to me with the address and phone number of the finder. Every dime was accounted for. I called and had a great talk with the couple that found and returned it.

Another time I was on a school choir trip to Louisville. While there we went out to a restaurant to eat. We befriended the hostess there, which came to my benefit and demise later. After we returned from the restaurant to the hotel, I realized my wallet was gone. This time there was a bit more to lose inside...drivers license, more money, etc. I called to see if I had left it at the restaurant, hoping that if I had I could convince the director to take me back on the bus (wasn't likely). Thankfully my hostess friend walked by as the phone call was happening. She volunteered to deliver it to me.

The demise came with her bringing a bathing suit and spending a large portion of the night hanging out with a bunch of us at the pool. Somehow my girlfriend at the time's sister decided I caused the whole event intentionally. And the girlfriend believed her. I tried to tell both of them there are safer ways to pick up chicks, but it didn't get me off the hook. So after I lost the wallet I lost the girl.

When I was in college I dated a girl for nearly a year and a half. She was older than I was and lived about 45 minutes from college. But we were crazy about one another and spent a lot of time together. Along the way we began to talk about and make plans for marriage. I remember that we had assumed we would marry right around my December graduation and move to Texas for me to continue schooling. Around August or September I began to become convinced the relationship needed to come to a close. I didn't quite understand the tug and hesitated for a month or more.

Eventually I broke off the relationship. It was painful, very painful. It crushed her, and I don't think she ever realized how it crushed me. I was losing the girl I loved, my best friend, a friend at all. I was leaving plans and dreams I thought were set for something unknown. For nine months I mourned her loss. I did so sometimes with other girlfriends and sometimes just through hurting. It literally took nine months for me to believe I had made a right decision. Sometimes I still miss her. Sometimes I miss her bad, yet I stand convinced it was over.

Today I feel like I have lost something that I really need to find. I feel like I've lost God. I'll admit Ive never been real good at this whole "quite time" thing. I tend to grow and nurture my relationship with God in community with other believers. However I don't have that community right now. Somewhere along the way I just stopped reading scripture. I stopped praying. I stopped being able to worship when we meet together to do so. I stopped having compassion towards others. I started being resentful and grudge bearing. I'm not sure I like me much right now.

I lost God somewhere and I need him back. I'm not sure where to find him. I'm not sure where to look to find the God that is too big to hide under rocks or behind trees; the God that is too loving to hide from me at all; the God that desires to be found even more than I desire to find him. How do I find God when I know he is right here? How do I honor a commitment I made long ago to forever seek after him?

I lost something and this time I don't think the "lost and found" box in the principal's office holds the treasure. I lost God and I miss him.

[Listening to: Deliver Me - David Crowder Band - Illuminate]

Jazz and Candlelight or People and Parties?

[Listening to: The Night We Called it a Day - Diana Krall - The Look of Love (5:42)]

All of my life the Myers Briggs test has told me I am an extrovert. In the last few years that began to change. I am not sure if that is common or not. Is it supposed to happen? I began to drift towards the introvert side. I am still an extrovert but with many more introvert tendencies than I once held.

How can I be an E and sometimes dislike people so very much?

My relationship with God has always required some form of community. Im not a good quiet time person. Im not good at being quite for that long. I grow with Christ when in community with others who help me strive to look more like him. I slip when I began to move away from community. In the same way as I drift from God my relationships with other people slip.

Today I am either caught in this reality or Ive become incredibly selfish. I think somewhere along the way people became work. I could handle them when it was work but on personal time I wanted to pick and choose who I would and wouldnt spend time with. That is so selfish; so not like Christ. How can I justify this rude behavior?

I am still a bit frustrated but much closer to peace. Im sitting in my living room. Only one roommate is here and he is in the back reading. I am sitting in the dark with only the flicker of a small candle. My JBL portable speakers sit on the coffee table. I put my iPod on the playlist I recently created when I want some good peaceful music. It is almost all jazz. Currently Norah is singing away.

I want to like people, but sometimes I want to be so far from them. What has happened to turn me into this type of person? Is it a slip in where I should be? Is it this place? Is it the people I am in the midst of? How can I begin to become less focused on them and more on the redemption needed inside me? How do I move my focus towards the God who loves me...and them?

Back to Diana Krall. So glad I was ever introduced to her music.

Hotel Church...

This morning in the shower I was thinking about marrying a friend of mine. Now I'm not actually going to marry this friend, I was just thinking about it because another friend thinks we should end up together. Now this isn't really what the story is about it just leads to the important part.

This friend I was thinking about marrying has considered spending some time in San Francisco. Now this is one thing that might interest both of us. I started thinking about what it would like to see church start there. (I didn''t leave out an article.)

Tangent: Speaking of church Im watching this movie I like. It is called Keeping the Faith. It isn't the best movie ever but they do some great things in recreating church. It is pretty cool.

I wonder if it would be possible to see church done in a hotel. The reason I was thinking about it is I started by thinking about partnering overseas. My dream is to see 5 or 10 or 20 churches in the states partnered with the work that will still be happening in the country I live in now. I would love it if the churches in the states had a yearly conference together in the states to pray and create strategy to work together.

So as I was thinking about this conference I was thinking about how great it would be to have a place for people to come and stay. Then it went on from there. I thought how cool would it be if the church lived there together. Then I thought how cool would it be if it was a business that allowed people to stay there. It would help with money and it would allow people to see what is happening. It would also be a place we could offer to help those in need. People could come in and stay and pay for their room by providing work for the facility.

I'm sure there would be difficulties but it would really do some cool things towards looking like the church. The church would be community. They would spend time together daily. They would share things and meet together in homes. There would be assistance if the people are low income or students, etc. who make little.

So this is all kind of random, but I just thought I would share what was going on in my mind. Let me remind you, I'm not gonna marry the friend.

Help Wanted...

I have begun to become frustrated with something. I think the problem is my own, but I'm not sure. Around many of my coworkers I continually hear the Bible refer to simply as "The Word." I've used the same descriptor. My problem is with giving the Bible more authority and/or power than it claims to have itself. I had never heard of the concept of Bibolitry (spelling?) until I was a senior in college. Now it scares me.

I have great faith in scripture. I believe it to have power and be from God. I believe God was brave enough (sometimes I think stupid enough) to used normal people to write the words that would become sacred.

In John 1 we see talk of "the Word" but it sure doesn't appear to be the Bible. Here is my question. Does the Bible ever claim itself to be the word of God or are the references to word of God in the Bible speaking of something quite different.

These types of questions make me miss school. At Truett I could have sat at Common Grounds with the fellas and gained some perspective. I could have asked some questions in class and not been blasted as a heretic. I'm not sure I have that ability anywhere here yet.

I sure would appreciate some feedback. Comment here or send an email.

Other Worlds and Authenticity...

I am sitting at a restaurant called Hamlet's waiting on others to show up and eat. It is just before 7 and night has almost fallen. The moon is a very thin crescent in the sky with the points facing up. The sky is beautiful.

I'm on a short four-legged stool covered with some animals hide. For the last hour I've pondered a few things.

1. While technology has made the world smaller, has it made us more complacent to what is going on elsewhere? We've begun to believe London looks the same as Dallas and China the same as Baltimore. We think Asia and Africa really aren't that different and they all look about the same as the states. I live in a city where cultures collide. The people here believe themselves to be very distinct and unique. They don't even see themselves to be the same as other Africans. Never make the mistake of calling them black; they will quickly clarify...they are chocolate.

My parents are coming to visit me soon. I talked to them recently online. With an instant messenger and a webcam we are able to see and talk to one another as if we were in the next room. Daylight issues throw off the illusion but in all other ways it is just as effective if not more so than my cell phone was in the states which allowed me free long distance.

I try to explain this world to friends and family and I can't find the words to make it come together. It is like explaining the color red to a blind man. I can't explain with clarity how the two worlds collide here. Sadly our culture has infected them. TV shows from the states corrupt them. They see Days of our Lives as a documentary about life in the states. Many of the young ladies have given up customarily appropriate dress for clothing that is very similar to that worn in the states. The style may not match exactly but they are getting down the show as much skin as possible thing. It is sometimes humorous to see how they've bonded their world and mine. And someimes it is sad to see they have lost the beauty of their culture to take on ours.

Our complacency has left us willing to just stay home. We will let others go and do things there. I'll stay home where it is safe and comfortable. It is that different there anyway right? We allow worlds to be devastated by poverty, war, torture, disaster. We stay home and watch it on TV as if it is another Monday night movie (They don't actually show those anymore do they?) I'm not sure what is and isn't our business. I do know that we have a chance to see and help the world as each of us struggle with the difficulties of life. Some struggles aren't that much different. Some are vastly different.

2. I have come to believe that the desire of the church today is authenticity. At the same time we hate honesty and humility which seem to be the keys to authenticity. An example: these blogs have become my rope from home to here. Blogs of those I love and respect allow me to see their life from the other side of the world. Somehow I was directed to the blog of a guy going by the name Real Live Preacher. I was intrigued; he is an interesting guy. In time I have learned he is a pastor in Texas. He is constantly pushing the envelope of a typical pastor. He is honest, real, authentic.

Recently he posted a story. It had some sexual innuendos and comments. It shared embarrassment and fear; it shared truth. He was blasted! He was too honest, too real for many. To be honest, some of the post disturbed me too, it was uncomfortable. Most of the story moved me though it was a different kind of uncomfortable. Derek Webb has a CD out that my friend Cori sent me. He talks too much on it. But he talks about the value of the world discovering our deepest, darkest sin. You know there is truth in his thoughts, but it is dangerous. The church is scared of flaws. I know because so am I. I'm scared of mine and I judge those of others. Acts and the New Testament don't seem to read as if Jesus or the early church had that same fear. They trusted Paul for some strange reason. I wonder what it looks like for us to love all in spite of sin. Is authentic church a real possibility or a farce? I'm not sure.

Just some thoughts.

A New Look...

I wondered if this would inspire me to write on here once in a while. I got a few things in the pot...give me some time to get them together.

What are your thoughts on the new look?

Sacrifice...

[Listening to: She Must and Shall Go Free - Derek Webb - The House Show (3:16)]

Tuesday I was with a national friend. He is an amazing man. He started his own business, led almost all his employees to the family. Now he has a piece of the body meeting each week in his house. He does incredible things.

They just finished Acts and John. Now he wants to lead them towards the OT. I have been pondering on his words since he mentioned them. I asked what books. He mentioned two different ones based on their call to sacrifice. He said that no believers here are willing to sacrifice anything. They are all taught that joining the family is about blessings you receive.

This land is desperate. I wonder if we (Westerners) did that blessing thing to them. I don't remember many sermons on sacrifice. I didn't preach any either, I don't think, it is a good way to not get invited back. All of our favorite books in the Bible and at the bookstore deal with all the great things we get by believing. Not many tell us that God might decide to kill off our family (Job). We aren't often told we might get so frustrated with how different God is than what we expect him to be we might kill ourselves (Judas). We aren't told that we have a good chance of being hated by everyone and eventually killed (most of the disciples). We aren't told God might ask us to kill our son, only to change his mind at the last minute (Abraham). We aren't told that we may get run out of our own home and have to live in the desert for a while (Moses). We aren't told that it may mean we have to wander in the wilderness our whole lives (Israelites).

Instead we read that we will have peace in all things. We read that our inheritance will be multiplied. We focus on jewels in crowns and blessings from above. Now I am not making the claim that there aren't wonderful blessings for us in the kingdom. My claim is that they don't look the way we expect them to. My claim is that it seems clear in the Bible that believers get more sacrifice than blessing. In the annals of our tradition it seems that a mark of faithfulness was persecution. Many of the great bearers of truth sacrificed their life, their family's lives, their freedom, their respect, their power, their authority, their wealth, etc. for the kingdom.

My friend is upset because no one here sacrifices anything to be called a child of God. It hurt me to think of how much more they sacrifice here than I ever sacrifice...here or at home.

After all of that, is it bad to say I got a new refrigerator this week? I was pretty excited about it. It has a freezer. I can actually fit Cokes and leftovers in it!

Missing the Point...

Today is the day to worship the saint Gabriel. I know this because there is a church built for Gabriel on the way to a restaurant I have become quite a regular at. Typically there are not many people at late at night (Note that late is not too long after dark.). On this night the street was packed. There was lots of traffic and numerous people just standing beside and in the roadway.


I asked the man in front of me on the taxi what was happening. He affirmed my guess. This place is so deceived. I believe fully that we can follow the same Master and do it in different ways. The problem is that the people here have completely abandoned the pursuit of following the Master. Instead they follow good deeds and saints and luck that can bless their lives. Their pursuit of religion is all about the benefits for self.


According to the book, Notes from the Hyena's Belly the orthodox here have, "263 saints' days, 52 Sundays, 9 other Christian holidays, 13 abdar days [They worship the traditional sacred tree of the family.], 36 Wukabi days [They worship spirits.], and 12 days to worship ancestor's spirits." On these days they are supposed to worship all day and do no work. Do the math! It comes up to about 368 days. Now they do use a different calendar here, but there are still 365 days in the year.


They spend all of their time earning the respect and "grace" of their God.




On another front. I hooked up with some old friends from last summer. I got to visit their university today and watch one of the guys play football (soccer). I was amazed; most of them were terrible. I guess I had some pretty high expectations. Perhaps if ever become able to make it up my 5 flights of stairs without sounding like I ran a marathon, I might try to play some ball. At the current rate, I will guess the possibility will never become reality…these stairs are gonna be the death of me.

Where to begin...

[Listening to: Jesus To These - Ryan Richardson - Delve]

Lord I want to be…
To be your hands and your feet.
To walk where you walk,
See what you see.
To feed a hungry soul,
To love a world so poor.
I want to be Jesus to these.
- Ryan Richardson - Jesus to These on Delve


I have never felt quite the way I do here. The pages of the gospel seem to come to life. I have greater mental images of what it looked like to walk out of the temple and be surrounded by beggars. I see them everyday…everywhere…but especially just outside the churches and mosques. Those who worship there move closer to God by giving to the poor.


I hurt for them (the poor and the deceived worshipers), but I also struggle with becoming cold. Poverty is so rampant; it is hard to know who is poor and who has found a good gig to cover for the lack of work in the city. Even the nationals distinguish between three kinds of beggars. Some are truly homeless and have no option, some are using it as a scheme, and some are merely troublemakers. This last group is looking for a quick way to get money. They aren't opposed to lying to you and/or stealing it from you.


Yesterday Daniel walked up to me on the road. He began to walk and talk English with me. (A travel guide about this country tells of the newest scam. Young people, apparently students, invite you to a "cultural event" that is only there on that day. Once they convince you to go with them, they take you somewhere to run up a very large bill and have you pay for it. It is no joke…happened to me last summer…before I read the book.) Daniel tried to pull the scam. I didn't bite. He then began to tell me numerous stories about not being able to work and having to pay for school and his family living in the country. All of his stories may have been true; I have no idea. I chose not to give him money or buy him lunch which he asked for several times.


I'm not sure how to deal with the poor. We are told to care for them; we are told they will always be with us. For that matter I don't know how to be Jesus to anyone. This week I have had a long talk with a national friend. There is a mistranslation in their Bible. It defines secular music (listening to, singing, creating) as removing one from God. It is in the same list with jealousy, envy, orgies, impurity.


I have my own thoughts on music, that isn't the important thing. What matters is how I be Jesus to him and how I encourage him to do the same with others here. Are his beliefs on music important? Do I just leave them be and worry about other things. Or is this a slippery slope down a dangerous hill. My fear is legalism. My desire is love and grace. I desire it for him; I desire it for me; I desire it for the church.


Ryan's song is my desire. Where do I even begin?