Thought some of you guys/gals might want to check out this nifty tool. I like it so far.
WBLOGGAR.COM
Tuesday, April 27, 2004
Grace...
The concepts in the parable of The Forgiving Father are hard for me to grasp. I don't actually understand grace the way it is presented in this story.
About three weeks ago a friend of mine called my understanding of grace into question. Since that time I have been trying to find out if I even believe in grace. Of course I have the verbage to say things about grace but I sure don't live a life with evidence that I exhibit or experience grace.
I have allowed grace to be the ticket that earns us entry into salvation and the body of Christ. From there it seems to stop. I have lived my life as if the grace of God stops at the door...from that point on I have to earn my keep. How crazy is that? It must not be such a foreign idea because the younger soon tried to do the same. He didn't see himself worthy of ever being a son again. He wanted to earn back some honor, some respect.
The father would have none of it. He welcomed him in as a son. He welcomed him fully. He put sandals on his feet and a robe on his back. No matter what was lost, no matter what was done - he was a son. He would always be a son.
The next to last chapter in Blue Like Jazz is on love. It isn't about loving others...that is the chapter before. It is about loving self. Miller realized he was unwilling to love himself. His inability to love or even like himself had made it impossible for him to receive love from others, to receive love from God.
What is the difference between loving yourself and being an arrogant fool? How can one be humble and yet have respect for himself/herself? Both must be possible...but how.
Currently I swim in this world. I swim in the questions of grace. I desire to be a vessel of grace for others, but until I am capable of receiving the grace of God I can not reliably display it.
Today I talked with my friend who began me on this journey of grace. I shared with him the impact he had made and my fear of losing it as I leave this place. Somehow this led us to a conversation of emotion. I am not a very emotional person. I cry like a big fat baby in movies. I am however, not as likely to cry in life situations. I displace my hurt my, my fear, my sadness, my anger. I cover them up and move them away as a way to handle them. I was challenged to feel.
I want a step by step plan to figure out living in grace. I want it to be logical, intellectual. My friend has challenged me to allow this pursuit not to be intellectual but experiential. Continue to experience doubt, sadness, hurt, fear. Don't hid from it, don't ignore it.
My friend has helped me continue to journey of looking more like Christ. I don't always like his ideas. I am also scared I will stop trying once he is gone. I am moving soon...it's scary.
About three weeks ago a friend of mine called my understanding of grace into question. Since that time I have been trying to find out if I even believe in grace. Of course I have the verbage to say things about grace but I sure don't live a life with evidence that I exhibit or experience grace.
I have allowed grace to be the ticket that earns us entry into salvation and the body of Christ. From there it seems to stop. I have lived my life as if the grace of God stops at the door...from that point on I have to earn my keep. How crazy is that? It must not be such a foreign idea because the younger soon tried to do the same. He didn't see himself worthy of ever being a son again. He wanted to earn back some honor, some respect.
The father would have none of it. He welcomed him in as a son. He welcomed him fully. He put sandals on his feet and a robe on his back. No matter what was lost, no matter what was done - he was a son. He would always be a son.
The next to last chapter in Blue Like Jazz is on love. It isn't about loving others...that is the chapter before. It is about loving self. Miller realized he was unwilling to love himself. His inability to love or even like himself had made it impossible for him to receive love from others, to receive love from God.
What is the difference between loving yourself and being an arrogant fool? How can one be humble and yet have respect for himself/herself? Both must be possible...but how.
Currently I swim in this world. I swim in the questions of grace. I desire to be a vessel of grace for others, but until I am capable of receiving the grace of God I can not reliably display it.
Today I talked with my friend who began me on this journey of grace. I shared with him the impact he had made and my fear of losing it as I leave this place. Somehow this led us to a conversation of emotion. I am not a very emotional person. I cry like a big fat baby in movies. I am however, not as likely to cry in life situations. I displace my hurt my, my fear, my sadness, my anger. I cover them up and move them away as a way to handle them. I was challenged to feel.
I want a step by step plan to figure out living in grace. I want it to be logical, intellectual. My friend has challenged me to allow this pursuit not to be intellectual but experiential. Continue to experience doubt, sadness, hurt, fear. Don't hid from it, don't ignore it.
My friend has helped me continue to journey of looking more like Christ. I don't always like his ideas. I am also scared I will stop trying once he is gone. I am moving soon...it's scary.
Sunday, April 25, 2004
It's All About To Change...
For those who care I am still alive. Mark got on to me today and told me I had to right something.
Quick updates:
Graduation in about 3 weeks (assuming I get everything done).
Africa - Orientation in July, fly out in September. I'm pretty excited. And pretty nervous.
Dentist - I need lots-o-dental-work. Sucks!!
Now the rest:
I watched a movie tonight, 13 Going on 30. Good little flick. I sat and watched the credits at the end. I like to do that although others tend to laugh at me for it. I sat and watched and thought about my own childhood/teenage years. Who was I a jerk to? I know the list couldn't be summed up in one or two names.
I sat pretty discouraged as I thought about people I probably don't remember. I forgot their names long ago. I wondered who they are now and if we would be friends if I hadn't been so up my own butt. I imagine I push these people away everyday. I sure haven't gotten better as I've aged, if anything I've gone downhill.
Soon I'm leaving. I'm leaving Waco. I'm leaving the States. I wonder how I'll change. I wonder if I will become more of a jerk or less of a jerk. Will I ever want to return home? How will God work in my life? Will I allow him to work at all? Will I stop worrying so much what people think about me and at the same time stop worrying so much about what I think about myself?
I'm so behind in the game. I should have learned so much by now that I have yet to figure out. I wish I knew what grace was. I wish I knew how to give it and how to receive it.
I feel as if my mind is running so crazy that I have tons to write and none to write.
I'm scared to go. I'm ready to go. I don't like myself sometimes. I like myself way to much most of the time. I'm way too arrogant. I deal with inferiority. I have a lot of friends. I love my friends. I want to spend more time with them. I'm lonely.
I'm a mess. God loves me. Who the heck knows why? That is not my question to ask.
The end of school is near. I want to quit. I never want to go again. I'm scared to not have classes. I’m so glad I’m single. I want to be married...now.
God loves me. God loves me. God loves me.
Quick updates:
Graduation in about 3 weeks (assuming I get everything done).
Africa - Orientation in July, fly out in September. I'm pretty excited. And pretty nervous.
Dentist - I need lots-o-dental-work. Sucks!!
Now the rest:
I watched a movie tonight, 13 Going on 30. Good little flick. I sat and watched the credits at the end. I like to do that although others tend to laugh at me for it. I sat and watched and thought about my own childhood/teenage years. Who was I a jerk to? I know the list couldn't be summed up in one or two names.
I sat pretty discouraged as I thought about people I probably don't remember. I forgot their names long ago. I wondered who they are now and if we would be friends if I hadn't been so up my own butt. I imagine I push these people away everyday. I sure haven't gotten better as I've aged, if anything I've gone downhill.
Soon I'm leaving. I'm leaving Waco. I'm leaving the States. I wonder how I'll change. I wonder if I will become more of a jerk or less of a jerk. Will I ever want to return home? How will God work in my life? Will I allow him to work at all? Will I stop worrying so much what people think about me and at the same time stop worrying so much about what I think about myself?
I'm so behind in the game. I should have learned so much by now that I have yet to figure out. I wish I knew what grace was. I wish I knew how to give it and how to receive it.
I feel as if my mind is running so crazy that I have tons to write and none to write.
I'm scared to go. I'm ready to go. I don't like myself sometimes. I like myself way to much most of the time. I'm way too arrogant. I deal with inferiority. I have a lot of friends. I love my friends. I want to spend more time with them. I'm lonely.
I'm a mess. God loves me. Who the heck knows why? That is not my question to ask.
The end of school is near. I want to quit. I never want to go again. I'm scared to not have classes. I’m so glad I’m single. I want to be married...now.
God loves me. God loves me. God loves me.
Monday, March 29, 2004
props
I love wireless internet. I am sitting in McAlister's blogging and checking email. How amazing is that? I am ready for the day that it is everywhere...free.
I need to tell a story.
Tonight I was studying at Barnes and Noble. Well, okay, so I wasn't getting much studying done. I am trying to get research done for a paper, but it is slow going. So I spent some time talking to my friend Pam and reading some other books. Then I decided I was falling asleep and it was time to go.
As I was leaving I saw this cool new magazine so stopped to glance at it. On the other side of the magazine rack is a chick. I didn't even notice her until I saw this guy walk up. Here are his words (as best I could hear):
"Hey I've never seen you around before, do you go to Baylor."
"Yes," she shyly responds.
"Me too, what are you studying?"
Small talk continues but who cares about that part. Here comes the best part:
"Well I've seen you around before and I think you're pretty cute."
She said something I couldn't hear.
He said, "Yeah, I think your pretty cute and I would like to know if I could take you out some time."
SUB preacher just preached at me in McAlister's. I have a hard time not being cynical of this.
I've kind of lost track of my story thinking about preaching boy. I can't figure out why this is the way he chooses to show Jesus to the world. I respect his passion and conviction. Maybe I criticize because my faith is too weak to do things like that. Maybe I criticize because I can't think of what passage in scripture would support what just happened.
Now that I have at least temporarily left the story let me talk about this event I sit in. Mark often blogs around people; I tend to do it in private. This being around people sure sparks thoughts. There are cute girls on the left of me that just got back from Six Flags. I am jealous of the trip. I want so badly to go play like that right now. I also wouldn't mind sitting with the girls instead of alone with only my large sweet tea and my chocolate chip cookie. There is a dad (Baylor Dad T-shirt confirmed) eating with his Zeta daughter. I can't really hear their conversation so I just imagine what might be being said. There are a few others scattered here and there. I am on the quiet side of the restaurant. I can't see those speaking on the other side of this curtain thing.
Back to the story:
I can't actually hear the response I just assume she says she is dating someone by the bummed out, "oh okay," I hear.
He casually walks away, sits at a table in the cafe with another girl he was studying with.
She turns back to the magazine. I wish I could have see her face.
I have to tell someone. I rush back to where I was sitting to share the story with Pam. All of the sudden he is back there too. He came to tell another female friend the story. She thought he was lying. He told her, she didn't believe him. But even if she did she told him that would never work the girl would just think he was a freak.
This is when I joined the conversation. "He's not lying." I heard the whole conversation.
"Did you really?" she responds. "Tell him that this will never work and is a dumb idea."
"actually I have to say I was pretty impressed. But did you ever think it would actually work?"
We carry on a short conversation and I left both thinking this guy was a little too arrogant, but also might ballsy. I was jealous of his courage and embarrassed by his mode of presentation.
Gotta go; late for a meeting.
I need to tell a story.
Tonight I was studying at Barnes and Noble. Well, okay, so I wasn't getting much studying done. I am trying to get research done for a paper, but it is slow going. So I spent some time talking to my friend Pam and reading some other books. Then I decided I was falling asleep and it was time to go.
As I was leaving I saw this cool new magazine so stopped to glance at it. On the other side of the magazine rack is a chick. I didn't even notice her until I saw this guy walk up. Here are his words (as best I could hear):
"Hey I've never seen you around before, do you go to Baylor."
"Yes," she shyly responds.
"Me too, what are you studying?"
Small talk continues but who cares about that part. Here comes the best part:
"Well I've seen you around before and I think you're pretty cute."
She said something I couldn't hear.
He said, "Yeah, I think your pretty cute and I would like to know if I could take you out some time."
SUB preacher just preached at me in McAlister's. I have a hard time not being cynical of this.
I've kind of lost track of my story thinking about preaching boy. I can't figure out why this is the way he chooses to show Jesus to the world. I respect his passion and conviction. Maybe I criticize because my faith is too weak to do things like that. Maybe I criticize because I can't think of what passage in scripture would support what just happened.
Now that I have at least temporarily left the story let me talk about this event I sit in. Mark often blogs around people; I tend to do it in private. This being around people sure sparks thoughts. There are cute girls on the left of me that just got back from Six Flags. I am jealous of the trip. I want so badly to go play like that right now. I also wouldn't mind sitting with the girls instead of alone with only my large sweet tea and my chocolate chip cookie. There is a dad (Baylor Dad T-shirt confirmed) eating with his Zeta daughter. I can't really hear their conversation so I just imagine what might be being said. There are a few others scattered here and there. I am on the quiet side of the restaurant. I can't see those speaking on the other side of this curtain thing.
Back to the story:
I can't actually hear the response I just assume she says she is dating someone by the bummed out, "oh okay," I hear.
He casually walks away, sits at a table in the cafe with another girl he was studying with.
She turns back to the magazine. I wish I could have see her face.
I have to tell someone. I rush back to where I was sitting to share the story with Pam. All of the sudden he is back there too. He came to tell another female friend the story. She thought he was lying. He told her, she didn't believe him. But even if she did she told him that would never work the girl would just think he was a freak.
This is when I joined the conversation. "He's not lying." I heard the whole conversation.
"Did you really?" she responds. "Tell him that this will never work and is a dumb idea."
"actually I have to say I was pretty impressed. But did you ever think it would actually work?"
We carry on a short conversation and I left both thinking this guy was a little too arrogant, but also might ballsy. I was jealous of his courage and embarrassed by his mode of presentation.
Gotta go; late for a meeting.
Wednesday, March 17, 2004
dinner guest
I had a rather amusing experience last night. It was 8:30 or 9 and I decided to go get dinner. I walked down the street to Chili's too. The place was empty. There was one big table there and all of the workers were off doing busy work trying to not get too bored.
I ordered and sat down to start reading a book and catching up on some phone calls. While I was on the phone with Opie I thought I saw something small run across the floor on the other side of the room. Surely it was just a shadow; I was imagining things as I sat alone in the empty restaurant.
Then suddenly there it went again. Holy cow! There was a mouse running around the floor at Chili's. I had never seen that happen and got a pretty good laugh out of it. I so wish the place had been full so that people would have started screaming and jumping on tables. That would have been great comic relief to my otherwise not so interesting day of playing catch-up.
I ordered and sat down to start reading a book and catching up on some phone calls. While I was on the phone with Opie I thought I saw something small run across the floor on the other side of the room. Surely it was just a shadow; I was imagining things as I sat alone in the empty restaurant.
Then suddenly there it went again. Holy cow! There was a mouse running around the floor at Chili's. I had never seen that happen and got a pretty good laugh out of it. I so wish the place had been full so that people would have started screaming and jumping on tables. That would have been great comic relief to my otherwise not so interesting day of playing catch-up.
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