Friends...

I pulled it off once in college. My birthday came and went and the only people who knew were my family. Every year I do all that I can to not let anyone know that my birthday has come and gone. I try to hide it from everyone I know. I feel so selfish letting anybody know that I have a birthday. I don't like there to be events that are focused on me. I would much rather get together on behalf of others.


Last night my friends got together in my honor. It was tough. Christy continued to tell me that she wanted to throw me a goodbye party as I prepare to leave for Africa. I didn't want her to do it, until we were told at the hiring conference, "Let your friends have parties for you." I told Christy she could do it but I would prefer not help plan the thing. All I had to do was give her some names to add to the list she had made. Last night I got to see some of those show up.


An event like this doesn't say so much about those who couldn't make it, but it says some great things about those who do make it. As I was driving home I was thinking through the people who sacrificed to make it to this thing to say "goodbye" even though they aren't really saying goodbye yet. I was seeing faces and names of those who stopped by, those who brought cards, and those who were willing to pray for me publicly.


Several people came to mind, but one stuck out a bit. One friend who was there hasn't always been a friend. For some reason I still don't understand the two of us have never gotten along very well. We had some things happen as we got to know one another that kept us from connecting I guess. But the last year has been different. Over the last year we have gotten to know each other much better. And this individual means a lot to me. The person didn't have to come; they had no responsibility. They didn't have to make sure that they talked to me one on one, but they did. We have become friends and I am so thankful. We are very different people, but then again that is the case with me and a lot of my friends. I only regret that we waited so long to get to know one another.


Megan was there last night, her laugh is hilarious. As almost everyone had left, a few of us just sat in the living room and listened to her talk and tell jokes and especially laugh. Her laughter is contagious. I love it. She and I have only known each other for the last year, but I will miss her laugh. I told her last night that she is going to have to record it and send it to me. It will be a great heartwarmer on a lonely day.


I have yet to read through the cards I was given. Christy had them bring two types. One was for me to open last night. Christy made me open them in front of everyone. The other stack is not to be opened until I get to Africa. HOLY COW!! That is such a long time for me to hold on to a stack of cards. Sure, it will be a blessing to open them in Africa, but it will be hard to wait. Several included gift cards in their card last night. One of the many were Jason and Joslyn. It was great to have them there. They are engaged!! I couldn't believe people sacrificed what they did so that I might have gifts. The cards will be so valuable for me as I purchase supplies to carry over with me.


The most incredible thing that was done last night was the prayer. We all gathered in Dwight's living room as the group of people gathered around me, and prayed over me. What a blessing to hear friends that you love prayer to our heavenly father for wisdom, protection, guidance, courage, strength, transformation, and so many other prayers. It was powerful and very encouraging to receive their words. Over the next several months those prayers will help pull me through. Many of them signed up to commit to pray to me as I go. Many of those prayers will be my strength to continue to live among the people of Northeast Africa.


Thank you friends! I love you!


For my own sake I want a list of names (please forgive me if I forget you, this is completely from memory): Jason, Joslyn, Eric, Brian, Neil, Steven, Lisa, Julie, Jen, Myles, Ryan, Kristen, Pam, Cori, Anna, Liz, Claire, Kimberly, Murph, Lizzie, Megan, Coleman, Dana, Andrew, Potter, April, Bethany. I feel bad cause I know I have left people out, but I will add them as I remember (it's early dang it!).


And especially the gang (I didn't forget you guys): Mark, Jason, Christy, Dwight, Chris, Mikel. You guys mean more to me than I could ever put into words. I am fully aware that I would not be the person I am today not the person I hope to become if it were not for the inspiration that each of you have been in my life. I will miss you immensely!


Thank you friends! I love you!

Goodbyes...

This is a time of endings. This is a time of goodbyes. This year has been that way. Today has especially been that way.


This morning I woke up and watch the two hour series finale of Dawson's Creek. Yes, I know Dawson's Creek ended ages ago. But I didn't watch it ages ago. I only made fun of those who watched it back then. But this year I started watching the reruns on TBS and I sort of got hooked. Really after a while I just wanted to know how the show ended. So today I saw it. I cried.


I had lunch with the boys.


I got this phone call requesting I come to some banquet I had RSVP'ed not to go to. I heard several people speak about the end of the year. Dr. Eileen Hulme gave a report of what all had been done throughout the year. I began to tear up realizing my time at Baylor was nearly over. Sometimes I hate my job. I get so pissed at the way things are done sometimes. Often I love my job! I love that I get to work with incredible students. I love that "I knew them when..." Some of these men and women will eventually change the world and I will have the great privilege of knowing that in spite of all my deficiencies God ministered to them through me. I'm going to miss my students. I got some award which again made me want to cry. It again clarifies this is the end.


I had a dinner tonight with some of the people I started Truett with who are still here. There really aren't that many of us left. We talked about our time here and who we had lost track of and what our plans are. I am leaving. Going to Africa. Working with an organization many of them hate. But I am following God with both fear and excitement.

Sidenote - My friend Christy says that if there is anything in female fashion I don't like, it is probably in style. However I really like one style going on right now. I love the comeback of skirts. Granted they are often way to short and rather dangerous with a burst of wind, but when tasteful they are so stinkin' cute. I have two friends who pull it off very well. Watson and Hatfield are great skirt girls. They can pull of a skirt with a pair of old tennis shoes and a Tshirt. Cute girls. If I wasn't so scared of girls I might chase after one of those cute skirt girls and try to marry them.

Tonight I went to Jen's and watched the series finale of friends. I didn't cry this time but there were some moments of great laughter and excitement.


Momentarilly I will begin my last final. I will be finished with my formal education. Wow!


Saturday Christy is throwing me some party. Numbers of my friends have been invited to celebrate my going overseas (or my leaving one, I'm not real sure). I've never had friends really. I wonder if for the first time in my life I will keep up with these friends. Waco has changed me. It has made me into a different person than I was three and a half short years ago.


May 1, Mark and I decided to start our "lasts." "This is the last time will will be here or do this." Christy gets upset when we talk about it. I do too, but laughing about it keeps me from getting sad.


This is the end of so many great things. But endings always mean beginnings also. I wonder what is beginning. I know I am going overseas but what is beginning in this new stage of life. How will I change? How will I grow? Will I fall back to the person I used to be? Who will I love? Who will I play with, and laugh with, and cry with? Who's mom will I talk about? Who will I give a ride home?


I am heartbroken; but I am so excited! What is beginning? What is next?

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Grace...

The concepts in the parable of The Forgiving Father are hard for me to grasp. I don't actually understand grace the way it is presented in this story.


About three weeks ago a friend of mine called my understanding of grace into question. Since that time I have been trying to find out if I even believe in grace. Of course I have the verbage to say things about grace but I sure don't live a life with evidence that I exhibit or experience grace.


I have allowed grace to be the ticket that earns us entry into salvation and the body of Christ. From there it seems to stop. I have lived my life as if the grace of God stops at the door...from that point on I have to earn my keep. How crazy is that? It must not be such a foreign idea because the younger soon tried to do the same. He didn't see himself worthy of ever being a son again. He wanted to earn back some honor, some respect.


The father would have none of it. He welcomed him in as a son. He welcomed him fully. He put sandals on his feet and a robe on his back. No matter what was lost, no matter what was done - he was a son. He would always be a son.


The next to last chapter in Blue Like Jazz is on love. It isn't about loving others...that is the chapter before. It is about loving self. Miller realized he was unwilling to love himself. His inability to love or even like himself had made it impossible for him to receive love from others, to receive love from God.


What is the difference between loving yourself and being an arrogant fool? How can one be humble and yet have respect for himself/herself? Both must be possible...but how.


Currently I swim in this world. I swim in the questions of grace. I desire to be a vessel of grace for others, but until I am capable of receiving the grace of God I can not reliably display it.


Today I talked with my friend who began me on this journey of grace. I shared with him the impact he had made and my fear of losing it as I leave this place. Somehow this led us to a conversation of emotion. I am not a very emotional person. I cry like a big fat baby in movies. I am however, not as likely to cry in life situations. I displace my hurt my, my fear, my sadness, my anger. I cover them up and move them away as a way to handle them. I was challenged to feel.


I want a step by step plan to figure out living in grace. I want it to be logical, intellectual. My friend has challenged me to allow this pursuit not to be intellectual but experiential. Continue to experience doubt, sadness, hurt, fear. Don't hid from it, don't ignore it.


My friend has helped me continue to journey of looking more like Christ. I don't always like his ideas. I am also scared I will stop trying once he is gone. I am moving soon...it's scary.

It's All About To Change...

For those who care I am still alive. Mark got on to me today and told me I had to right something.


Quick updates:
Graduation in about 3 weeks (assuming I get everything done).
Africa - Orientation in July, fly out in September. I'm pretty excited. And pretty nervous.
Dentist - I need lots-o-dental-work. Sucks!!


Now the rest:
I watched a movie tonight, 13 Going on 30. Good little flick. I sat and watched the credits at the end. I like to do that although others tend to laugh at me for it. I sat and watched and thought about my own childhood/teenage years. Who was I a jerk to? I know the list couldn't be summed up in one or two names.


I sat pretty discouraged as I thought about people I probably don't remember. I forgot their names long ago. I wondered who they are now and if we would be friends if I hadn't been so up my own butt. I imagine I push these people away everyday. I sure haven't gotten better as I've aged, if anything I've gone downhill.


Soon I'm leaving. I'm leaving Waco. I'm leaving the States. I wonder how I'll change. I wonder if I will become more of a jerk or less of a jerk. Will I ever want to return home? How will God work in my life? Will I allow him to work at all? Will I stop worrying so much what people think about me and at the same time stop worrying so much about what I think about myself?


I'm so behind in the game. I should have learned so much by now that I have yet to figure out. I wish I knew what grace was. I wish I knew how to give it and how to receive it.


I feel as if my mind is running so crazy that I have tons to write and none to write.


I'm scared to go. I'm ready to go. I don't like myself sometimes. I like myself way to much most of the time. I'm way too arrogant. I deal with inferiority. I have a lot of friends. I love my friends. I want to spend more time with them. I'm lonely.


I'm a mess. God loves me. Who the heck knows why? That is not my question to ask.


The end of school is near. I want to quit. I never want to go again. I'm scared to not have classes. I’m so glad I’m single. I want to be married...now.


God loves me. God loves me. God loves me.