Goodbyes...

This is a time of endings. This is a time of goodbyes. This year has been that way. Today has especially been that way.


This morning I woke up and watch the two hour series finale of Dawson's Creek. Yes, I know Dawson's Creek ended ages ago. But I didn't watch it ages ago. I only made fun of those who watched it back then. But this year I started watching the reruns on TBS and I sort of got hooked. Really after a while I just wanted to know how the show ended. So today I saw it. I cried.


I had lunch with the boys.


I got this phone call requesting I come to some banquet I had RSVP'ed not to go to. I heard several people speak about the end of the year. Dr. Eileen Hulme gave a report of what all had been done throughout the year. I began to tear up realizing my time at Baylor was nearly over. Sometimes I hate my job. I get so pissed at the way things are done sometimes. Often I love my job! I love that I get to work with incredible students. I love that "I knew them when..." Some of these men and women will eventually change the world and I will have the great privilege of knowing that in spite of all my deficiencies God ministered to them through me. I'm going to miss my students. I got some award which again made me want to cry. It again clarifies this is the end.


I had a dinner tonight with some of the people I started Truett with who are still here. There really aren't that many of us left. We talked about our time here and who we had lost track of and what our plans are. I am leaving. Going to Africa. Working with an organization many of them hate. But I am following God with both fear and excitement.

Sidenote - My friend Christy says that if there is anything in female fashion I don't like, it is probably in style. However I really like one style going on right now. I love the comeback of skirts. Granted they are often way to short and rather dangerous with a burst of wind, but when tasteful they are so stinkin' cute. I have two friends who pull it off very well. Watson and Hatfield are great skirt girls. They can pull of a skirt with a pair of old tennis shoes and a Tshirt. Cute girls. If I wasn't so scared of girls I might chase after one of those cute skirt girls and try to marry them.

Tonight I went to Jen's and watched the series finale of friends. I didn't cry this time but there were some moments of great laughter and excitement.


Momentarilly I will begin my last final. I will be finished with my formal education. Wow!


Saturday Christy is throwing me some party. Numbers of my friends have been invited to celebrate my going overseas (or my leaving one, I'm not real sure). I've never had friends really. I wonder if for the first time in my life I will keep up with these friends. Waco has changed me. It has made me into a different person than I was three and a half short years ago.


May 1, Mark and I decided to start our "lasts." "This is the last time will will be here or do this." Christy gets upset when we talk about it. I do too, but laughing about it keeps me from getting sad.


This is the end of so many great things. But endings always mean beginnings also. I wonder what is beginning. I know I am going overseas but what is beginning in this new stage of life. How will I change? How will I grow? Will I fall back to the person I used to be? Who will I love? Who will I play with, and laugh with, and cry with? Who's mom will I talk about? Who will I give a ride home?


I am heartbroken; but I am so excited! What is beginning? What is next?

New Tool

Thought some of you guys/gals might want to check out this nifty tool. I like it so far.

WBLOGGAR.COM

Grace...

The concepts in the parable of The Forgiving Father are hard for me to grasp. I don't actually understand grace the way it is presented in this story.


About three weeks ago a friend of mine called my understanding of grace into question. Since that time I have been trying to find out if I even believe in grace. Of course I have the verbage to say things about grace but I sure don't live a life with evidence that I exhibit or experience grace.


I have allowed grace to be the ticket that earns us entry into salvation and the body of Christ. From there it seems to stop. I have lived my life as if the grace of God stops at the door...from that point on I have to earn my keep. How crazy is that? It must not be such a foreign idea because the younger soon tried to do the same. He didn't see himself worthy of ever being a son again. He wanted to earn back some honor, some respect.


The father would have none of it. He welcomed him in as a son. He welcomed him fully. He put sandals on his feet and a robe on his back. No matter what was lost, no matter what was done - he was a son. He would always be a son.


The next to last chapter in Blue Like Jazz is on love. It isn't about loving others...that is the chapter before. It is about loving self. Miller realized he was unwilling to love himself. His inability to love or even like himself had made it impossible for him to receive love from others, to receive love from God.


What is the difference between loving yourself and being an arrogant fool? How can one be humble and yet have respect for himself/herself? Both must be possible...but how.


Currently I swim in this world. I swim in the questions of grace. I desire to be a vessel of grace for others, but until I am capable of receiving the grace of God I can not reliably display it.


Today I talked with my friend who began me on this journey of grace. I shared with him the impact he had made and my fear of losing it as I leave this place. Somehow this led us to a conversation of emotion. I am not a very emotional person. I cry like a big fat baby in movies. I am however, not as likely to cry in life situations. I displace my hurt my, my fear, my sadness, my anger. I cover them up and move them away as a way to handle them. I was challenged to feel.


I want a step by step plan to figure out living in grace. I want it to be logical, intellectual. My friend has challenged me to allow this pursuit not to be intellectual but experiential. Continue to experience doubt, sadness, hurt, fear. Don't hid from it, don't ignore it.


My friend has helped me continue to journey of looking more like Christ. I don't always like his ideas. I am also scared I will stop trying once he is gone. I am moving soon...it's scary.

It's All About To Change...

For those who care I am still alive. Mark got on to me today and told me I had to right something.


Quick updates:
Graduation in about 3 weeks (assuming I get everything done).
Africa - Orientation in July, fly out in September. I'm pretty excited. And pretty nervous.
Dentist - I need lots-o-dental-work. Sucks!!


Now the rest:
I watched a movie tonight, 13 Going on 30. Good little flick. I sat and watched the credits at the end. I like to do that although others tend to laugh at me for it. I sat and watched and thought about my own childhood/teenage years. Who was I a jerk to? I know the list couldn't be summed up in one or two names.


I sat pretty discouraged as I thought about people I probably don't remember. I forgot their names long ago. I wondered who they are now and if we would be friends if I hadn't been so up my own butt. I imagine I push these people away everyday. I sure haven't gotten better as I've aged, if anything I've gone downhill.


Soon I'm leaving. I'm leaving Waco. I'm leaving the States. I wonder how I'll change. I wonder if I will become more of a jerk or less of a jerk. Will I ever want to return home? How will God work in my life? Will I allow him to work at all? Will I stop worrying so much what people think about me and at the same time stop worrying so much about what I think about myself?


I'm so behind in the game. I should have learned so much by now that I have yet to figure out. I wish I knew what grace was. I wish I knew how to give it and how to receive it.


I feel as if my mind is running so crazy that I have tons to write and none to write.


I'm scared to go. I'm ready to go. I don't like myself sometimes. I like myself way to much most of the time. I'm way too arrogant. I deal with inferiority. I have a lot of friends. I love my friends. I want to spend more time with them. I'm lonely.


I'm a mess. God loves me. Who the heck knows why? That is not my question to ask.


The end of school is near. I want to quit. I never want to go again. I'm scared to not have classes. I’m so glad I’m single. I want to be married...now.


God loves me. God loves me. God loves me.

props

I love wireless internet. I am sitting in McAlister's blogging and checking email. How amazing is that? I am ready for the day that it is everywhere...free.


I need to tell a story.


Tonight I was studying at Barnes and Noble. Well, okay, so I wasn't getting much studying done. I am trying to get research done for a paper, but it is slow going. So I spent some time talking to my friend Pam and reading some other books. Then I decided I was falling asleep and it was time to go.


As I was leaving I saw this cool new magazine so stopped to glance at it. On the other side of the magazine rack is a chick. I didn't even notice her until I saw this guy walk up. Here are his words (as best I could hear):


"Hey I've never seen you around before, do you go to Baylor."
"Yes," she shyly responds.
"Me too, what are you studying?"
Small talk continues but who cares about that part. Here comes the best part:
"Well I've seen you around before and I think you're pretty cute."
She said something I couldn't hear.
He said, "Yeah, I think your pretty cute and I would like to know if I could take you out some time."


SUB preacher just preached at me in McAlister's. I have a hard time not being cynical of this.


I've kind of lost track of my story thinking about preaching boy. I can't figure out why this is the way he chooses to show Jesus to the world. I respect his passion and conviction. Maybe I criticize because my faith is too weak to do things like that. Maybe I criticize because I can't think of what passage in scripture would support what just happened.


Now that I have at least temporarily left the story let me talk about this event I sit in. Mark often blogs around people; I tend to do it in private. This being around people sure sparks thoughts. There are cute girls on the left of me that just got back from Six Flags. I am jealous of the trip. I want so badly to go play like that right now. I also wouldn't mind sitting with the girls instead of alone with only my large sweet tea and my chocolate chip cookie. There is a dad (Baylor Dad T-shirt confirmed) eating with his Zeta daughter. I can't really hear their conversation so I just imagine what might be being said. There are a few others scattered here and there. I am on the quiet side of the restaurant. I can't see those speaking on the other side of this curtain thing.


Back to the story:
I can't actually hear the response I just assume she says she is dating someone by the bummed out, "oh okay," I hear.
He casually walks away, sits at a table in the cafe with another girl he was studying with.
She turns back to the magazine. I wish I could have see her face.


I have to tell someone. I rush back to where I was sitting to share the story with Pam. All of the sudden he is back there too. He came to tell another female friend the story. She thought he was lying. He told her, she didn't believe him. But even if she did she told him that would never work the girl would just think he was a freak.


This is when I joined the conversation. "He's not lying." I heard the whole conversation.
"Did you really?" she responds. "Tell him that this will never work and is a dumb idea."
"actually I have to say I was pretty impressed. But did you ever think it would actually work?"
We carry on a short conversation and I left both thinking this guy was a little too arrogant, but also might ballsy. I was jealous of his courage and embarrassed by his mode of presentation.


Gotta go; late for a meeting.